Background - when DH and I first moved in together 12 years ago as boyfriend and girlfriend we had separate money, each paying the same amount into the joint account for household expenses.
Our earnings were uneven, I earned about £12kpa, he was over £30kpa. I also had a small loan of about £5k which I paid off out of income.
3 years later, he was made redundant. Our money then became joint as he went self employed and it was easier to manage that way as the income was erratic. My money went straight to the bills account to cover everything there, his money became food/petrol/spending money. Any spare we have goes into savings.
Our incomes have now switched. He earns just under £20kpa, I earn double that. Doesn't matter - everything is joint.
He received a PPI refund last year of about £2k. We put half away in a specific saving account (to pay for work needed to be done on his classic car) and spent the rest on a holiday. So we had joint enjoyment of the money.
The car is one he has had since before we got together. It was bought with money his Mum gave him before she died, and so is very important to him. Unfortunately it needed a costly repair about 5 years ago which we couldn't afford, so the car went into our garage and has remained there until we can afford to spend the money on it. Since then I have been squirrelling odd bits away for it. I put the cashback we receive from quidco each year into that account, and set up a "save the pennies" scheme which also goes into that account.
So here is the Issue.
Yesterday, DH's Dad gave him a gift of £2,000. As were driving home, I suggested he had half to the car account, and half went into our savings (as we are having building work done at the end of the year, all budgeted for, but these things often go over budget)
He disagreed and said that he wanted it all in the car account.
I said I would prefer it to be split, as we are using almost all our savings on the work, and would feel more comfortable knowing there was a cushion.
He said I could do that, as long as the £1000 I took for the savings was repaid back to the car account as a priority. I said I couldn't guarantee that, if we needed to spend it then I would be working on building the savings back up a bit before putting money back in the car account.
I suggested that it all go in the car account, but if we did need it, we could dip in.
By this point he was quite angry, saying we hadn't accounted for that money, so what did it matter of it all went in the car account. My reply was that I would feel more secure knowing we had the extra £1000 buffer towards the work, and if it wasn't needed, it could go in the car account. It was quite heated by this time, so I left it.
This morning he was still noticeably cool with me.
I said I didn't understand what I had done that was so bad, and he said it was my presumption that I could decide what happened to the money. I said it wasn't presumption, it was a suggestion to then discuss, as adults with joint finances. I was stunned when he said
"He didn't consider this joint money". It was his. I asked wasn't it the same as the PPI, as that was a loan from before we were together, and he said yes, that was also his money, but he chose to spend it on a holiday for us both.
I'm stunned. And a little sad.
During our marriage I have received money - compensation from a car accident, and also I sold the car my Dad bought me when I got a company car. In both instances the money was spent together (on our wedding, actually). I did not consider this MY money, it was ours.
Also, the money that I have out earned him by each year - if we had stuck to our original way of managing finances I would have lived luxuriously whilst he struggled, but thats not marriage. Or so I though
So, given that money was a gift from his Father, WIBU to think we would discuss together how it was spent? Was I (as DH put it) graspy?