AIBU regarding this money?

[AlaskanSnow]

Background - when DH and I first moved in together 12 years ago as boyfriend and girlfriend we had separate money, each paying the same amount into the joint account for household expenses.
Our earnings were uneven, I earned about £12kpa, he was over £30kpa. I also had a small loan of about £5k which I paid off out of income.

3 years later, he was made redundant. Our money then became joint as he went self employed and it was easier to manage that way as the income was erratic. My money went straight to the bills account to cover everything there, his money became food/petrol/spending money. Any spare we have goes into savings.

Our incomes have now switched. He earns just under £20kpa, I earn double that. Doesn't matter - everything is joint.

He received a PPI refund last year of about £2k. We put half away in a specific saving account (to pay for work needed to be done on his classic car) and spent the rest on a holiday. So we had joint enjoyment of the money.
The car is one he has had since before we got together. It was bought with money his Mum gave him before she died, and so is very important to him. Unfortunately it needed a costly repair about 5 years ago which we couldn't afford, so the car went into our garage and has remained there until we can afford to spend the money on it. Since then I have been squirrelling odd bits away for it. I put the cashback we receive from quidco each year into that account, and set up a "save the pennies" scheme which also goes into that account.

So here is the Issue.
Yesterday, DH's Dad gave him a gift of £2,000. As were driving home, I suggested he had half to the car account, and half went into our savings (as we are having building work done at the end of the year, all budgeted for, but these things often go over budget)
He disagreed and said that he wanted it all in the car account.

I said I would prefer it to be split, as we are using almost all our savings on the work, and would feel more comfortable knowing there was a cushion.
He said I could do that, as long as the £1000 I took for the savings was repaid back to the car account as a priority. I said I couldn't guarantee that, if we needed to spend it then I would be working on building the savings back up a bit before putting money back in the car account.
I suggested that it all go in the car account, but if we did need it, we could dip in.

By this point he was quite angry, saying we hadn't accounted for that money, so what did it matter of it all went in the car account. My reply was that I would feel more secure knowing we had the extra £1000 buffer towards the work, and if it wasn't needed, it could go in the car account. It was quite heated by this time, so I left it.

This morning he was still noticeably cool with me.
I said I didn't understand what I had done that was so bad, and he said it was my presumption that I could decide what happened to the money. I said it wasn't presumption, it was a suggestion to then discuss, as adults with joint finances. I was stunned when he said
"He didn't consider this joint money". It was his. I asked wasn't it the same as the PPI, as that was a loan from before we were together, and he said yes, that was also his money, but he chose to spend it on a holiday for us both.

I'm stunned. And a little sad.

During our marriage I have received money - compensation from a car accident, and also I sold the car my Dad bought me when I got a company car. In both instances the money was spent together (on our wedding, actually). I did not consider this MY money, it was ours.
Also, the money that I have out earned him by each year - if we had stuck to our original way of managing finances I would have lived luxuriously whilst he struggled, but thats not marriage. Or so I though

So, given that money was a gift from his Father, WIBU to think we would discuss together how it was spent? Was I (as DH put it) graspy?

OP YANBU. You share your finances regardless of disparity in income. Things like this should also be shared. Not each of you gets £1000 to do with as you wish, but each of you gets a say in how it's spent. You're not asking for half of it to buy a handbag or whatever - you want half of it as a contingency for the building work!

As a compromise in this instance, could you maybe agree that it's kept as a contingency for the building work and then whatever's left over goes into the car account?

But I agree it's symptomatic of a wider problem that you need to address.

And yes, I agree you need to do some serious talking about whether future money is joint, esp with children coming along (what happens if there are heath issues and you cant work?) and the differences in your potential inheritances.

maintaining an old car isn't an investment, it's an expense. however his dad did give him the gift, so really if he wants to fritter it away, that's his prerogative. the car clearly means a lot to him.

otoh, you have been generous with your windfalls. he hasn't actually spent it all on the car yet, and i'd not push any further. he may still put any money not spent into the savings account.

not earning as much money as your partner is a difficult thing. you always feel subsidised, and occasionally it's lovely to be able to spend money without that background guilt. i'd be inclined to let this go.

It was a gift, if I give to my children I don't expect them to share it as it was meant for them no one else. If his dad wanted half of it to be yours he would have gifted it to you directly.

Gifts are very different to other money.

Alaskan I agree you do need a serous talk about finances and where things are going.
Its not about that £1000. Its about how you manage things in general.

Of course it should be considered jointly. Your OP makes it crystal clear that when you've had a windfall, it's been shared. Therefore the same should be true for him, gift or not.

I think he's being extraordinarily selfish and petty to get into a mood about this.

What Chloe 84 said. That definitely is it.

Fwiw, ive seen my parents always fully sharing what they had. Wages, inheritance etc...
But they have a very secure relationship.

When my own marriage was struggling, I would have hated to 'share' any inheritance, esp in case of a divorce.
For me, this is a sign that things arent going well (appreciate this might not be the case for others. I think it depends on your financial organisation)

Oh i see - so whats yours is his, but what's his is his?! Nice.

Sorry OP - YANBU - he is being quite mean and seems to have forgotten the money you put in towards the car etc etc. This would be a massive problem (for me) if my husband was like this, it shows me a total disregard of the meaning of 'our' - looks like he's only looking out for his own interests.

I would have a talk to him - tell him how you feel. Whats your marriage like? Is he usually this selfish?

Currently, without any of this gift money the repair account stands at just under £2.5k. So this money wont get the car repaired immediately. In excellent condition (which it will be after the work) it is valued at £20,000 which is absolutely his. He came to the relationship with it, I have no claim on that. If he sells it, its his money

In a pp you said that YOU also saved towards the repair of the car. I don't completely understand the logic of you saving up for the repairs to HIS car, yet say that ALL profit is his.

Frankly, he needs to grow up... If my husband wanted to spend 000's on an expensive hobby, I'd knock the idea out of his head until the priorities are taken care of (house repairs, rainy day money, pensions etc). Especially given that your DH doesn't earn that much and hasn't built up his business yet.

I think he sounds grabby and selfish and you need to re-assess how you budget for stuff.

In our case, smaller cash presents, e.g. £100 are personal money but any downfalls going into 000's go straight into the shared account.
We also put our incomes into the shared account and have the same 'pocket money' going into our personal accounts to cover hobbies/personal items. If the amount isn't enough to maintain a fancy classic car or get a boob job and an Hermes bag, then people just need a reality check...
The only allowance we've ever made was when we got burgled. The burglars made away with DH's garage-worth of gadgets and the insurance covered less than 50% of it. He was very upset and as it wasn't his fault + it'd have taken a couple of years to save up again so we spend a few k of shared money to replace it.

I can see why he was a bit miffed if he sees the car as some sort of link to his late mother and therefore the money from his dad as his-side-of-the-family money, but his reaction was unnecessarily hurtful.
If you do end up needing a buffer for the building work I would quite matter-of-factly take it out of the money you've kindly been squirrelling away for his car fund. A home for your family is more important than his weekend car project.

It sounds as though you've evolved into a household with joint finances, but now suddenly he wants to change the rules for this one payout from his father.

I assume he'll still want to keep to the current arrangements (joint finances) afterwards though because it suits HIS pocket a lot more than yours.

Why do I have the sneaky suspicion though that if the roles had been reversed in previous years and HE was in YOUR financial position (financially better off) then you would have had separate finances all these years??

I don't think you sound grabby in the least, otherwise you would have kept your compensation to yourself; and it's not as if you are asking for any of this money for yourself, you want it for a financial buffer that protects both of you. I think you probably need another conversation with your DH where you point that out.

Sorry, to confirm - when I say "I've saved/squirrelled" it's because I manage the finances. My job is connected to money so that was a natural step. His job is manual, so he does household maintenance stuff.
So whenever I do things such as household admin that result in cashback, I put the cashback money aside as we wouldn't have had it anyway if I hadn't gone through the cashback site.
Does that make sense.

We can't do exactly split 50/50 for household. Firstly he doesn't earn enough - he'd literally have nothing left. I put £2500 in the joint account each month.
Secondly, because of the way he earns. Some months he gets loads, other months little. It just averages out to just under £20k on the tax return. So it means I'd have to be constantly checking the acocunt which is a headache. Thats why my income goes into bills as its regular, and his goes into our spending account.

Any suggestions as to how to bring it up without it turning into an argument? I feel like when I get home, he might be ok or he might be a bit sulky still so I need to pick my time.
But I don't know how to raise it to have a sensible calm discussion, given that he feels so strongly.

TBH, he doesn't know exactly how much is in the account. I don't think he even knows which bank it is with. I could just let it go for now and dip in to the account if I needed to. Which I probably wont, I'm probably just being stressy about money. After all, if this gift hadn't been given, I would have been fine with the amount of money I've put aside.

This is probably something you both need to talk through. If you are already spending any inheritance (...pay down the mortgage, maybe move, maybe treat ourselves to something we wouldn't have bought usually as a remembrance) they you need to get on the same page now.

I think there is a huge difference between gifts and other money. My Dad has supported my DP and I in a recent country move but that was to aid cash flow so was never reserved for anything. But a recent gift from him to me was for me alone.

There needs to be better communication on the entire money situation. I am not a fan of the 100% of money is family money thing. It leads to this situation where two people make automatic assumptions on how to spend the money without communicating or considering other people might see it as an opportunity to achieve a long time goal. But both sides need to contribute fair amounts to family pots.

Tbh I would start by havig a proper joint account.
By having two different account, its giving the signal that there is such a thing as your and his money (used for different things)
.
Re how to bring it?
I would say that as you are going too have a baby, things are changing again finances wise (how you are going to earn, taking care of the cost of having a baby etc...) so you want to review with him how finances are managed.
So no comment about the 'gift' but also a way to ensure you are not taken for a ride and the system is fair.
Eg If 'his' money us spending money, who is going to pay for what the baby needs? You, from 'your' account?
Can you see how this is only a joint finances on paper but that in reality its you paying for the bills and him paying for whatever?

Fwiw i am big fan of having only family money.
Because if you were to get divorced, all the money would be seen as yours together, not his and hers.
Also if you have his money to do as you like, then nothing i stopping him to spend it as he wishes with little care for the family wellbeing.

Being a family requires negociations and trust. Agreement on what money is going to be spent wo feeling that you have to give some account of what you spend or justify yourself.

1. You either give in to him and completely let him have his way, and then continue as you have been to have joint finances. Win for him
2. Continue as you are now and class ALL money as joint money, including £2000 from his father. Maintains the status quo
3. Do separate finances where each pays equal share of mortgage, utilities, other household expenses, spending, savings etc and each then keep the rest of their earnings for themselves. Win for him short term as he gets to keep his £2000, but lose long term as you earn more than him.

I think he needs to probably pick from 2 and 3, because chopping and changing when it suits him isn't fair.

Actually you can do
4 accept thats ome stuff is family money and some is his/her money.
Would be interesting to see what he thought about you making the best of Quidco and then saying its your money and not to be put in the common pot (after all this is coming from a big effort on your side that you didn't have to do)
.and be very clear about inheritance etc.. (knowing this would have no value at all if you were to get separated)

I think you both need to sit down and discuss the ground rules for your finances again. Ask him and listen to how he thinks it should be. Don't go into the history of what has been spent by whom in the past, talk about how you both want it to be in the future. As the bigger earner, the bigger heir and being generous of spirit, you will not lose out. If he would prefer a greater separation of your finances, good. If he wants every shared, that's what you want anyway. So can afford to listen and virtually go along with whatever he prefers.

Otherwise it sounds like you have a good marriage

YANBU. Family money is family money. It's not like you're suggesting you spend it all on Manolos FFS.

If I get a bit of cash for Christmas I might buy some makeup for myself or something. If someone gives me over, say, £100 then that would be too much for me to splurge and we'd probably have a conversation on the best way to spend it.

Your husband is taking the piss. I'd tell him to keep the money and then tell him that obviously all the inheritance you get will obviously be yours to spend how you want. See how he likes them apples.

I think that there is a difference between a gift and obtaining money in other ways Eg compensation, winnings etc

In this case it is his money

You're making excuses for his appalling behaviour.

He has a VERY selfish 'What's mine is mine & what's yours is mine' attitude. It stinks.

Why was he earning £30k when you met but only £20k now?

You're being naive supporting him in this way when he's clearly of a different attitude to money.

Think HARD about thus relationship & financial set up now. You've got a child on the way and you need to provide/protect your income for them, apart from the fact you should be doing it for yourself.