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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Confused about boyfriend

39 replies

Sobloodyunsure · 31/05/2017 15:30

I split up with my boyfriend six months ago after he decided our relationship wasn't what he wanted. I was devastated at the time, missed him dreadfully for the entire six months and would have given anything to sort things out. Fast forward to now and after being in contact again, we decided to retry.

This was all I'd wanted yet now we're back together I'm having doubts. I feel that i've changed during those six months without realising it. Sex is amazing as ever but Im finding him stuck in a rut in comparison with before. I don't want to hurt him, this was all I'd wanted for months. I'm struggling to trust him fully because of the issues he gave as his reason for breaking up.

Im not sure if I'm just panicking over nothing or if my gut instinct is right to say that it isn't right for me. So worried about making the wrong decision.

OP posts:
Pinkheart5917 · 31/05/2017 15:32

I'm think sometimes we want that shiny fruit at the top of the tree only trouble is when we get it, it's not that tasty!

If your not feeling, plenty more men out there....

Shoxfordian · 31/05/2017 15:47

Follow your instincts

Anothernewnn · 31/05/2017 15:49

You've outgrown him meanwhile. Things have come full circle and now you have resolved the relationship. Sounds like you're better off going your separate ways.

Zaphodsotherhead · 31/05/2017 16:07

Did you resolve anything as a result of that 6 months apart? Did he come to any realisations about himself? Or did he just discover that the grass wasn't greener and decide that he might as well go back to what he knew?

Because if nobody changed or grew as a result, then you are still the same people and the same problems will recur. You held on to the version of 'him' you first fell in love with, but that's not who came back to you, is it?

Original poster
Sobloodyunsure · 31/05/2017 16:21

I do wonder if I've outgrown him. He lives three hours away so we don't get much quality time. I knew this would still be an issue and thought I loved him enough for it not to matter. I find myself and my children are sitting in a lot at weekends and evenings despite being invited out because he isn't comfortable with me seeing male platonic friends when I'd like to say to them that yes we'd love to go for tea/to the cinema etc.

I will be honest and say I was completely obsessed during our break up. But the man I had in my head isn't what I've now got. I'm worried I'll get back in that obsessive state if I end things and immediately want him, I'd hope I have more insight now but it scares me not to have that contact. He seems sure things will work, I don't want to hurt him or leave him lonely.

OP posts:
minionsrule · 31/05/2017 16:32

As i say to my friends, you are not responsible for other people's happiness, only your own (obviously mean be nice to people but you have to be happy yourself first). Please do not stay with him if you are not sure and the longer you leave it the harder it will be.

TheNaze73 · 31/05/2017 16:49

This is never going to work. Men frequently split up with holding girlfriends, which it sounds like you were. He's back as the grass wasn't greener, you're resenting him for what he did. It's all a recipe for disaster

hellsbellsmelons · 31/05/2017 16:49

because he isn't comfortable with me seeing male platonic friends
WTF?
You don't go out because he 'isn't comfortable'
Fuck that.
You know what to do.
Get out and enjoy yourself.

And please please do the Freedom Programme.
The fact you are paying any attention to his 'being uncomfortable' even if he's not with you speaks volumes about you and what you put up with.
Dump him and move on with someone more local.
But look at yourself first.
You put a mans feelings in front of your DC going out of the house!
WOW!!!!

bigtapdancingpimp · 31/05/2017 16:56

Listen to The Beautiful South song 'A Little Time'. Then dump him.

myusernameisgeneric · 31/05/2017 17:51

It's long distance so you rarely get time together.
He stops you going out and enjoying your life when he isn't there because he gets jealous.
You are stuck in a rut already and it's only been a few months.
You can't trust him.
Your instinct says no.

All these are great reasons to let go. Hopefully this will have been your wake up call that he isn't all you had in your head these last few months. He's not worth it.

Original poster
Sobloodyunsure · 31/05/2017 20:29

I feel incredibly guilty because I was the one pushing for us to get back together.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sobloodyunsure · 31/05/2017 20:32

He's a good man, it just doesn't feel enough anymore if I listen to my instincts. But I listened to my instincts when it ended but then ignored them and tied myself up in knots trying to get us back together. I'm worried to trust myself.

OP posts:
Anothernewnn · 31/05/2017 20:38

Sounds like you may have had a touch of limerence there op. And that can leave as suddenly as it comes on.

user1471456357 · 31/05/2017 20:45

Start pushing the things you want, ie, going out with male friends and see what happens.

PeaFaceMcgee · 31/05/2017 20:52

He's a good man

Is the below your example of a 'good man'?!

he isn't comfortable with me seeing male platonic friends

Jesus OP. You know that's controlling and abusive?

Original poster
Sobloodyunsure · 01/06/2017 09:12

I've read up just now on Limerence, makes a lot of sense.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sobloodyunsure · 01/06/2017 14:17

Thank you for the replies, still giving it a lot of thought. I want my life to be fun and to feel secure and cared for/appreciated. I cared for my late husband for six years after he was diagnosed with heart failure before he died three years ago and feel that I deserve a little tlc myself now. I am aware of how precious life is and don't want to waste it but also know how much I feel for this man. I don't know if this is a situation where love isn't enough.

OP posts:
Gottagetmoving · 01/06/2017 14:29

Many years ago, my bf dumped me saying he didn't really want to be committed. I was heartbroken but got out and about again and tried to move on. After a few weeks he contacted me saying he missed me and wanted to get back. I was so relieved and happy but after a few weeks I felt the way you do now.
I made the mistake of sticking with it. I tried hard to make it work but I should have finished the relationship. I was too scared to be alone again and worried about letting him go because I was in love with him.
I would say that you should listen to ANY hesitation you feel about staying with him and cool it off. Have a more casual relationship but pursue other interests.

Atenco · 01/06/2017 15:06

I am aware of how precious life is and don't want to waste it

But you are making your children stay in at weekends because of your jealous bf.

QuintessentialShadow · 01/06/2017 15:14

So, at weekends, he does not come to see you, yet he dictates how you spend your time???

He is a good man??

Nah. Doubt it.

Original poster
Sobloodyunsure · 03/06/2017 13:31

UPDATE. It's finished. I brought up something with him that I was concerned about hoping to discuss this and was accused of being controlling, putting pressure on him, expecting everything my own way, told that I didn't listen, just told rather than discussed blah blah. He told me to never get in touch again. I defriended him on Facebook, not to be awkward but to avoid seeing painful updates on his life. He messaged this morning annoyed that I'd defriended him yet not wanting to discuss anything on the phone to clear the air and of the firm opinion that he'd ended it due to my unacceptable behaviour. He says he's hurt that I think badly of him and that he ended it due to the way I responded to his messages (ie I stood up to him).

Everyone who has seen me on this roller coaster has told me to now leave it and walk away quickly , that he is not right for me or my children. I know that there would be no secure future if he can end it over something so trivial yet again days after spending a weekend together. I know I'd have always been doubtful that he'd cope with any major problem due to him repeatedly ending things with me whenever he feels things aren't quite how he likes. I've always been stupid enough to chase.

I won't be going back this time. But I could do with advice on how to get him out of my head, I'm so used to constant messaging, phone calls and I really miss the nice version of him that I fell in love with. Im trying hard not to doubt myself and want to avoid feeling that I messed the relationship up as he made me feel it was all down to me that he ended it. I'm struggling to distract myself and feel quite lost without him in my life. I've gone through so much after losing both parents at a young age and then my husband. It seems to have triggered a real grief reaction for my wonderful husband who'd be furious that I've allowed myself to be treated like this. I need to move forward and I'm crippled with worry about him being OK, lonely etc which is ridiculous.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sobloodyunsure · 03/06/2017 13:46

I've deleted his mobile, work and home phone numbers. Hurt like hell to do.

OP posts:
Arsenicinthesugarbowl · 03/06/2017 14:05

You've done the right thing. It will get easier. Trust your instincts. This man wasn't right for you. Get some family and friends activities in your diary so you're not stuck in feeling sad.
I wish you lots of luck and sending BrewCake

Atenco · 03/06/2017 14:06

Well done, OP.

Now get out and do those things that you couldn't do because of his jealousy.

For the moment, if it is possible, I recommend you up your physical activity as that is a great help in these situations.

KC225 · 03/06/2017 14:09

Sometmes you have to rip the plaster off and it's an ouch. You know it's the right thing to do. It wasn't going to work. Any chance if setting up some new dates. Invites the girls round to set you up a profile and choose some dates etc.

Busy yourself, set up all those cinema trips, tea invites etc. That you had been putting off. Set up a what's app group with mates doing a name a break up song, name a film set on the sea etc. I am on a Facebook page which does this its great fun and can replace that phone action. Post more on mumsnet.

Be strong OP.

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