Confused about boyfriend

[Sobloodyunsure]

I split up with my boyfriend six months ago after he decided our relationship wasn't what he wanted. I was devastated at the time, missed him dreadfully for the entire six months and would have given anything to sort things out. Fast forward to now and after being in contact again, we decided to retry.

This was all I'd wanted yet now we're back together I'm having doubts. I feel that i've changed during those six months without realising it. Sex is amazing as ever but Im finding him stuck in a rut in comparison with before. I don't want to hurt him, this was all I'd wanted for months. I'm struggling to trust him fully because of the issues he gave as his reason for breaking up.

Im not sure if I'm just panicking over nothing or if my gut instinct is right to say that it isn't right for me. So worried about making the wrong decision.

Well done, OP!

A relationship should be fun , should make you happy , should be equal , should make you feel good , should be easy .

A relationship should not make you question yourself , should not make you feel anxious, should not be controlling , should not be this difficult.

You have done the right thing . Keep busy , take your children out, see who you want to see, do things that make you happy.

Thank you for the lovely messages. I'm feeling so anxious, nauseous and panicky today. It feels just how I felt after I lost my husband yet he isn't deserving of making me feel like this. He's left me feeling a bit like damaged goods, as if I didn't trust him enough by bringing up the subject he has dumped me over. Yet I know logically a week ago I had reservations about the issues I tried to discuss. This seems to have been the pattern - he love bombs me followed by dumping, I chase, get back but am unsure because of the way he treated me, he love bombs me again to make me fall back in love, he dumps me, I chase. And repeat. Not a good role model for my children and nor am I allowing this to go on.

I still feel anxious that I need him to think good of me, to want me, and am struggling big time that he doesn't. Surely though if you genuinely loved someone you'd talk things through and try to resolve , not get angry and blame the other person entirely.

He is an abusive , control freak . Please don't fall for his bullshit, you will end up ill . Maybe see a counsellor to work through your feelings and to help you build up your self esteem.

Well done on getting rid. Please get some counselling before dating again. You compromised your family life and your children for a boyfriend. That's never on and it sounds like you need some help with boundaries.

'I want my life to be fun and to feel secure and cared for/appreciated. I cared for my late husband for six years after he was diagnosed with heart failure before he died three years ago and feel that I deserve a little tlc myself now.'

That comes from within, not from someone else. You make that for yourself and your family and you'll be a lot happier.

It sounds like you're "in love with the idea of being in love" rather than actually in love with him. Or rather, you're in love with "the idea of him" rather than the real person. Which given what you've been through OP is completely understandable!! So please don't beat yourself up. It's a perfectly natural response to want someone to love and care for you. But he isn't the guy. You need to keep reminding yourself of that.

You deserve far better. To be honest, he sounds awful! Telling him not to see your male friends and preferring that you sit home instead. That's not a man who cares about you and wants the best for you. That's a man who just cares about himself! It sounds like the start of an abusive relationship to be frank. Rather than wanting him to think well of you, stuff what he thinks and be relieved you're rid of him. Being single is tough I know but not as tough as being in a miserable relationship. You need to put a higher value on yourself. You deserve much better. It will be hard at first but take it one day at a time and keep yourself distracted. Then one day you will suddenly realise you haven't thought about him at all. And then a week will go. And then a month, and suddenly you will be over him and feel nothing. Until then, you have everyone on MN to support you!!

Hundred, you're right. It's the idealised intense version of him that I sometimes saw that I'm in love with, I can see the fairly major shortcomings in the 'real life' version. Things like a negative mindset, workaholic, short temper, money obsessive (saving not spending), secretive, manipulative at times, unreliable changing plans last minute. I'm going to ring on Monday and sort out a private counsellor a sap, I need to work out how I allowed myself to be so hung up on the opinions of someone who blows hot and cold.

I've always felt responsible for keeping him happy - he always says he is lonely, doesn't see anyone, has few real life friends but a lot of online friends, hates his job, is exhausted by work, has no hobbies, lives too far away to see me in an evening. He's even made comments about suicide before and then said he's joking but it worries me. Despite everything, I still have caring feelings for him even though I won't be acting on them. I'd feel better knowing that he was really happy and with someone new. It feels horrible knowing that we are both alone despite that being necessary now.

Condensed milk, thank you. It seems obvious when someone else points out that he's a control freak but he has done such a good job of making me feel that it is me at fault that it is hard to accept. I must though.

I've realised today I've always been trying to get him to show his 'love' for me unsuccessfully. Ive never had a compliment from him that wasn't linked to sex - never been told I look nice, my hair looks good etc but would be told how much he wanted to see my bum in a certain pair of knickers for example. Other women he is friends with on social media would be told they look "stunning" or "I love this photo of you Hun, so gorgeous". I rarely got a like on anything I posted. Sounds petty but I was always trying to get a genuine compliment out of him.

he always says he is lonely, doesn't see anyone, has few real life friends but a lot of online friends, hates his job, is exhausted by work, has no hobbies

He is a single man who is choosing to life what frankly sounds like an unpleasant life. Did you think you were going to save him from himself?

Well done on ridding yourself of this jerk OP. Think of him as a bad habit that you've quit. Onwards and upwards

After caring for your late husband, you DO deserve happiness, and as you said, you are only too aware of how short and precious life is. So why give this man any more headspace? We are all strangers on the internet, so we can see from a distance more clearly what sort of a jerk he sounds like. Don't waste any more of your precious time on him. Start living again - and go out with those platonic male friends to tea or to the cinema. Have some carefree fun!

Thank you. Day one done, keep moving forward. I'm surprised at how hard I'm finding it though, I need to keep reminding myself that a nice side doesn't make up for everything else. Relationships should be relatively straightforward and arguments should be discussed without instantly dumping someone.