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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel like I've done rubbish in life whilst others are living it up

43 replies

SighMoanEyeroll · 31/05/2017 02:01

yes I KNOW I KNOW - grass being greener and all that. I've just spent the last few hours looking up old school friends to see what they're getting up to (not on FB etc. so don't keep in touch).

I found an old friend who I used to be very close with. She's now some high falutin' manager at a big company earning around 50k. This is around half of what I earn. Well I actually earn about a fifth of her salary as I'm studying at the moment and working a few days only. When I finish my degree, it will only enable me to get up to 30k for a while. My friend never went to uni.

Part of me is chuffed for her - I always knew she would do well and I'm pleased to see her succeed - but the other part of me, the low self esteem kicks in and I just think of my DC, my house full of clutter and all the problems I'm going through -too many for this thread and I think a lot are probably linked to how I feel about myself.

AIBU to think that whilst I haven't wound up in a crack den or anything, in comparison to my peers I'm plodding along in the slow and food covered lane?

OP posts:

FreeNiki · 31/05/2017 02:02

I feel like that in comparison to everyone. Wish I knew how to stop.

Original poster

SighMoanEyeroll · 31/05/2017 02:05

Free I'm sure it's all bollocks as well - we must be doing okay but I can't seem to see it right now and feel really low.
I think there's a lot I'm unhappy with at the moment and not in my power to change for various reasons, this is probably making it worse. A 50k job would help I'm sure (envy not vom face)

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/05/2017 02:07

I was the 'poor' friend for a long time after my divorce. I had a job I loved, though and I knew I was happier in many ways than either my friends, or my previous self.

You're moving in the right direction.

FreeNiki · 31/05/2017 02:09

I had a 45k salary before I got made redundant. Cant say it made me feel blessed.

I put myself down constantly throughout life never feel good enough

Yellowaardvark · 31/05/2017 02:16

I know some pretty unhappy people who are conventionally successful. Just saying

3luckystars · 31/05/2017 02:16

Try not to compare yourself to others. You are unique and one of a kind.
Just be yourself, everyone else is taken.

There are a lot of people on this earth who would love your life!

Money des not mean happiness!!

(I'm trying to list every saying I know! Is any of this making you feel better? )

cloudchasing · 31/05/2017 02:18

I can be a terribly envious person. I have a couple of school friends that have what appears to be a charmed life - their husbands are rich, they're always on holiday somewhere exotic, they always look amazing etc. I actually have them hidden on fb because of my envy, but I look them up regularly to torture myself...

However. NOBODY'S life is perfect. They will have their problems and issues like everyone else. I suspect I would probably choose my own problems if I had to, other than someone else's.

And if they don't? Well then they really are charmed. But fuck it, we all have our own paths to follow and my logical head tells me that envy is a stupid waste of time. I'm rich in other ways.

Original poster

SighMoanEyeroll · 31/05/2017 02:29

Breathing a sigh of relief at some of the responses here.

3lucky Just be yourself, everyone else is taken.

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/05/2017 02:29

@3luckystars Don't compare the inside of your life with the outside of someone else's.

JoJoSM2 · 31/05/2017 02:29

Comparing yourself only makes you feel down as you'll always feel me someone earning more, more popular, better looking etc... However, I do get a slightly similar feeling whenever I foot a building bill; builders always seems to earn loads more despite me being the educated, experienced professional. If that happens, I do remind myself how much I'd hate to have their dirty, dusty job and snap out of it.

sobeyondthehills · 31/05/2017 02:30

I have gone from being a high earner to relying on PIP

I have learnt some amazing lessons:
Your true friends stick by you
You really dont need money to make you happy
And i have a whole new set of problems

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/05/2017 02:30

I was SOOOO relieved when my marriage ended. Give it all you've got, then if it ends you really tried. Mine was over way before it was actually over, which really helped.

Original poster

SighMoanEyeroll · 31/05/2017 02:35

I should be completing my degree assignment now, I'm up at 8am to go to work as well. Thank you everyone for your responses - it's good to talk to human beings with experiences and insight - not shiny exteriors of people presented on social media. that might not make much sense as I'm half asleep now as judged by my typos but I know what I mean!!

Night night awesome folk

OP posts:

cloudchasing · 31/05/2017 02:35

Look, if you are loved, if you aren't hungry, if you're not cold - that's what makes you rich. Nonetheless, it does make me question where I went 'wrong'. Where did my path become this endless cycle of drudgery and bloody hard work? I'm 47, I should be a bit more relaxed these days, but I'm not! If anything, it's harder than before. I really get where you're coming from.

But I have a partner and children that love me to bits, and I'll take that.

SarahOoo · 31/05/2017 02:37

Comparison is the thief of joy....

user1491572121 · 31/05/2017 02:45

Thank you for using "High falutin' OP. Cheered me up no end!

Practice a bit of Hygge and you'll be fine.

Floppypotato · 31/05/2017 03:54

JoJo what makes you think builders are uneducated/unprofessional? Sure you don't need a degree to be a builder but have you tried building a house of late? You wouldn't know where to start. Hence the fees builders can command...

A high wage isn't commensurate with having a degree/professional qualification. Having a skill that is difficult to acquire/maintain means builders/tradesmen and indeed "professionals" can charge the prices they do!

That said and back to the original topic - OP - echo what others have said. Money and status don't equal happiness. Some of the most miserable people I know are loaded! But it's easy to say that. It's often so hard to separate what someone's life is actually like than what their Facebook life is like!!

There was a thread the other day about how some people seem to maintain a lifestyle far better than your own and yet technically have a low income.. i.e. luxury holidays/cars etc. It was the general consensus that it was either credit (and we know where that often ends up) or inheritance! Easy to feel inferior but when you get down to the nitty gritty would you really want their life over your own?!

Excuse rambling nature - late pregnancy insomniac here...

BarbaraofSeville · 31/05/2017 04:00

A 50k high faluting managers job at a big company is likely to require her to work long hours, she will be really stressed a lot of the time and her work life balance will be poor. It's not always a great life if you don't get time to enjoy the money you earn.

hellokittymania · 31/05/2017 04:15

Try not to compare yourself and know that even though things might look really good, there is usually a downside as well. I started my own organization when I was 23 since I have a disability and I not only wanted to change things for others, but I really wanted a particular job and nobody would hire me. So I did things from scratch, on my own, in a foreign country where I didn't speak the language and didn't know anybody.

I have been robbed more times than I care to think about, including I had my bag stolen from a taxi and then the taxi driver disappeared. I have also been hit, sworn that, not believed and not being allowed into hotels, restaurants, etc. because people thought I was a beggar. I have also been knocked down by a car, hit by if you motorbikes and a girl call me by accident with her elbow on the bridge of my nose while riding her bicycle to school. I had to fly to Singapore the next day so that the retina specialist could check to see if my retina was still intact. I had two black eyes. So as you can see, there are many downsides. Not to mention the many times even family have said to my mother, how can you let her do blah blah blah? Nobody from my family except for my mother has ever come to visit me. Yet they talk plenty of BS about me.

A lot of my close friends don't work, some can't even if they wanted to, and others can't work because they've tried, and nobody will hire them. I always tell them that working is not the be all and end all. Many of them volunteer, read a lot, are very good friends. And can do so much. Plus, they are happy. To me, that is much more important.

Some people tell me that my organization could be a huge organization, but if it would be that way, it wouldn't be the special organization that it is. Plus, I wouldn't be able to cope. , Plus, just watch that documentary on kids company, I would never be able to cope if I were ever in Camillus shoes.

callmehannahbaker · 31/05/2017 04:33

I'm from an over achieving family. The least clever of us earns the most (and one is a gp). I had a breakdown instead and I'm now on benefits as the cleverest and most likely to succeed.

chestylarue52 · 31/05/2017 05:22

I have a great job and earn a lot of money.

It's very stressful and sometimes I wonder why the hell im wasting my life lending so much energy to it.

I don't have children of my own and no plans to have any but I feel sad sometimes when I see my friends and their happy families.

WaitrosePigeon · 31/05/2017 05:26

However, I do get a slightly similar feeling whenever I foot a building bill; builders always seems to earn loads more despite me being the educated, experienced professional. If that happens, I do remind myself how much I'd hate to have their dirty, dusty job and snap out of it

daisychain01 · 31/05/2017 05:40

There is a price to be paid for everything. Inheritance comes at a price, because someone has died. I'd far rather the person were alive and well, than '6ft under' and I have their money in my bank account, so to speak.

"Be careful what you wish for". £50K + can very often equate to very long hours, limited peace of mind or switch-off time and invariable being under the cosh for such a large proportion of your life that you feel a prisoner. It's about gaining balance - having money to pay the bills but freedom of thought and action, plus choice and autonomy. Anyone who has that is very rich.

Henrysmycat · 31/05/2017 05:40

Let me tell you the story from "the other side".
I'm the one that nobody believed would amount to much but I ended up getting scholarships at a UK top uni (I'm from overseas) and things slowly fell into place. I left one of the highest paid jobs around because I was stressed so badly that I developed a life threatening illness. From the outside, it looked perfect. Handsome clever husband who treated my like gold, lovely child, big house, cars, holidays, etc but when you end up in hospital on the ICU, most of these are meaningless. So, I kept the family, got myself healthy and got a less stressful job.
It's not all what it seems. Keep on doing what you do.
"The race is long and in the end it's only with yourself."

FreeNiki · 31/05/2017 13:43

I feel like I'm struggling in many areas of life, very working class and it would just be nice to on that kind of income so money and budgeting was not yet another thing to worry about.

I can totally relate to that. We were very poor growing up.

Money is good in that it puts a roof over your head and food on the table, permits you to have holidays and morw experiences in life

BUT in order to earn such high salaries you are a slave to your job and have a demanding job that takes all your time and in my case made me ill with stress.

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