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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want an apology?

44 replies

winenotdine · 31/05/2017 01:21

me and a close friend recently had an argument in which i told her she was manipulative (she is- something our mutual friends & my therapist have agreed on) after i told her that all she said was "sorry" and blocked my number. today she posted an apology on fb basically saying she's sorry just in general and that she's trying to be a better person. yet i haven't received a personal apology? she put me through months of emotional abuse and has seriously damaged my mental health (i was in therapy before all this happened, my therapist was the one to tell me that i had to make her aware she was manipulating me & others) AIBU to want a sincere, personal apology?

OP posts:
PeaFaceMcgee · 31/05/2017 01:26

YABU. You can't make her do anything. She's said sorry on the phone. You want her to grovel and cry?

Just be proud of yourself for confronting her and move on from the friendship now.

BeachyKeen · 31/05/2017 01:28

You may not be wrong to want it, but you'd be foolish to wait for it.

kissmethere · 31/05/2017 01:35

Yabu, how much does she have to apologise to make it valid.
Either accept the apology or don't. It sounds like you want her to grovel.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 31/05/2017 01:48

Um, why would you want an apology or more contact? Months of emotional abuse? Damaged your mental health? Grow up and get rid of her. It's not school and you don't have to see her every day. Stop bitching about her to your friends and therapist and get in with your life.

Chloe84 · 31/05/2017 03:38

Agree, time to get rid. Manipulative people don't change.

And the FB apology could be another attempt at manipulation (with you and mutual friends).

araiwa · 31/05/2017 03:44

all she said was "sorry"

you have had your apology

get over yourself- now decide what you will do next-id bin her

callmehannahbaker · 31/05/2017 04:05

I'm sorry but yabu, if everyone wanted a personal apology from everyone to blame for everything the only thing anyone would say would be sorry.

My therapist advises me that if they acknowledge their wrongs that is more than you should expect. I go along with that, hard as it is

PurpleDaisies · 31/05/2017 04:09

The fact that you've had any sort of apology is unusual. Most people who behave badly won't acknowledge it at all.

You need to decide if you want to give her a chance to show whether she's changed or not. If she's blocked your number, isn't that a fairly clear signal she doesn't want to be in contact with you anyway?

Hisnamesblaine · 31/05/2017 04:11

What did she do to you personally?

WhereYouLeftIt · 31/05/2017 04:12

YANBU to want a sincere personal apology, you're only human. You want her to acknowledge that she was in the wrong, so that you can move on from it all. But - since she is manipulative, I would be wary of that close a contact! Indeed, her FB apology could be seen as an attempt to manipulate you - she's saying sorry publicly to force you to accept it. (Thinking she can make you look bad if you don't.)

Accept that she's not capable of offering a sincere apology. Remember that "she put me through months of emotional abuse and has seriously damaged my mental health" and steer well clear of her. Don't let her FB apology suck you back in.

AngeloMysterioso · 31/05/2017 04:41

Cut her loose OP. Snip snip ✂️

You don't need people like that in your life

hollowstone · 31/05/2017 05:19

YABU
You obviously feel she has behaved very badly indeed to cause you such grief. Why continue to engage with this person? What are you expecting the apology to give you/do for you? It won't make everything all right will it? The best you could hope for would be a glimpse into why she did what she did but it's unlikely to be forthcoming. You need to chalk this up to a horrible learning experience and move on and as far away from this person as possible

daisychain01 · 31/05/2017 05:47

she put me through months of emotional abuse

In what way did she put you through months of abuse? Unless you and she were living in the same household or she was permanently camped outside your house, you must have given her access to allow that. please don't say it was on Facebook

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 31/05/2017 07:04

i told her she was manipulative (she is- something our mutual friends & my therapist have agreed on)

So you talk about her behind her back? your therapist will only get your version of what she's like - but your other friends, well that's a right old gossip fest going on isn't it. Have managed to completely marginalise and ostracise her yet? Just putting it out there.

UserThenLotsOfNumbers · 31/05/2017 07:12

Yanbu BUT I think you know that you won't get a genuine apology from this person.

She sounds like she has a lot of issues. If she's working on herself then great. You have to decide whether the friendship is worth it or not. People can and do change, but sometimes it's better to distance yourself for a while.

LavenderDoll · 31/05/2017 07:12

Why are you gossiping behind her back
Why isn't sorry good enough

UserThenLotsOfNumbers · 31/05/2017 07:14

As a side note I'm concerned about your therapist telling you these things. Of course I don't know the full details however this doesn't sound right. I'm a qualified therapist myself (not practising at the moment) and I wouldn't put ideas into people's heads like that.

LedaP · 31/05/2017 07:16

A therapist shouldnt tell you someone us manipulative. They only have your side of a story. They can tell you they sound manipulative or that its clear you feel they are.

You have also admitted to talking about her behind her back with another friend. One of her friends.

She apologised and blocked you. Thats ger choice.

From what you have written in the Op i can't see what see has done wrong tbh.

I cant see the emotional abuse either unless you have missed massive parts of this out.

UserThenLotsOfNumbers · 31/05/2017 07:19

"A therapist shouldnt tell you someone us manipulative. They only have your side of a story. They can tell you they sound manipulative or that its clear you feel they are."

Completely agree with this. It's the persons perception of the other person and how it's affecting them that is key, not the therapist's judgement. It's about learning to deal with the person causing the issues, maybe that means continuing the friendship with different boundaries or cutting them off. Only the OP can make this decision for herself.

Kokusai · 31/05/2017 07:31

Wow if a friendship is causing you issues you need to talk about in therapy, that isn't a friendship worth keeping!

NellieBuff · 31/05/2017 07:33

I agree that I find it strange that a therapist should inform you that another person is manipulative. Perhaps this is a case of hearing what you want to. As you feel so strongly about this cut all ties and move on as perhaps you will never receive the apology you are seeking. Good luck moving forward

neonrainbow · 31/05/2017 07:35

She's not responsible for your mental health.

lizzyj4 · 31/05/2017 07:37

A therapist shouldnt tell you someone is manipulative. They only have your side of a story. They can tell you they sound manipulative or that it's clear you feel they are.

Totally agree with this. YABU - Get over yourself and move on. Gossiping about her behind her back is really not on. You are not a friend to her any more than she has been to you. If you don't like the way she behaves just stop engaging with her. It seems as if she has already taken that decision by blocking you anyway.

Hereward1332 · 31/05/2017 07:50

Her FB status is manipulative in itself. She wants the attention of hordes of huns, all telling her what a wonderful friend she is.

That said, you do sound like you are putting an awful lot of blame at her door.

BillSykesDog · 31/05/2017 07:53

If someone is being a poor friend you can either cut them out or discuss problems with them in a way which is constructive and assertive way which doesn't involve attacking them or assassinating their character. A good way of doing this is to concentrate on the things they've done and how they have made you feel rather than criticising their essential character.

You didn't do this, you said something a bit nasty and personal and she has every right to feel hurt. You handled it badly. I think it's you who should be apologising in this case if you genuinely want to stay friends. If you also feel aggrieved yourself a good way of handling this might be: 'I'm sorry you feel hurt and what I said was misjudged. But you have also hurt me very much on xyz occasions and the upset I felt about that did colour my judgement on this occasion'.

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