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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want an apology?

44 replies

winenotdine · 31/05/2017 01:21

me and a close friend recently had an argument in which i told her she was manipulative (she is- something our mutual friends & my therapist have agreed on) after i told her that all she said was "sorry" and blocked my number. today she posted an apology on fb basically saying she's sorry just in general and that she's trying to be a better person. yet i haven't received a personal apology? she put me through months of emotional abuse and has seriously damaged my mental health (i was in therapy before all this happened, my therapist was the one to tell me that i had to make her aware she was manipulating me & others) AIBU to want a sincere, personal apology?

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 31/05/2017 07:54

You need to get over yourself and move on. She blocked you and you're still going on about it. If you have friends you need to gossip about behind their backs and post threads on huge internet forums grousing that you want them to grovel to you personally, you need to cut those people loose because they're not true friends.

Penfold007 · 31/05/2017 07:57

YABU your therapist gave you poor advice. It would be interesting to hear your ex-friend's side of things. She apologised and blocked you so has ended the friendship. Time for you to move on, perhaps something to to take to your therapy sessions.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 31/05/2017 08:05

You sound totally OTT here. Either she manipulative and you need to stop being friends. Or she isn't but you've ruined your friendship by your attack on her. Either way I don't think you are friends anymore Sad

theaveragewife · 31/05/2017 08:09

This is odd, are you 12?

RhiWrites · 31/05/2017 08:09

I disagree with most of the posts here.

While it would have been better to focus on her actions rather than accuse her of a negative character trait, you did tell her to her face that you thought she was manipulative.

A generic internet apology is not an apology. It's narcissist attention seeking.

BillSykesDog · 31/05/2017 08:14

A generic internet apology is not an apology. It's narcissist attention seeking.

Not necessarily. If you've been told 'everybody says you're manipulative' you might feel the need to make a general apology. Particularly if you're not sure who 'everybody' is.

expatinscotland · 31/05/2017 08:14

What's it matter, Rhi? The OP is not going to get this personal, 'Oh, let me grovel at your feet moment' and besides, the OP told the friend to her face that she thought she was manipulative, perhaps the friend doesn't agree. OP needs to move on.

PoorYorick · 31/05/2017 08:27

Your therapist sounds weird (are you sure that's exactly what they said or meant?) and I think you need to take a bit more initiative in looking after yourself. If she really is so abusive and manipulative, you should be glad she's removed herself from your life and move on rather than hanging around waiting for her to grovel.

nannybeach · 31/05/2017 08:45

Agree a therapist should not be telling you that a third party is manipulative, thats very strange, I used to work on an NHS mental health unit have never heard anything like this being said, the therpay is about YOU not her.Agree with neonrainbow, no-one else is responsible for your mental health. But lots of harsh words on here. You said she was a close friend, but put you through months of mental abuse. I would move on now, and good luck for the future.

neonrainbow · 31/05/2017 09:10

Bloody hell is everything to be described as narcissistic these days?

Wibblywobblyfoo · 31/05/2017 09:13

if she blocked you how do you know about her fb post? are you still talking about her with other people?

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 31/05/2017 09:21

But she's apologized twice by phone and by text book. How many more sorrys do you want.

PeanutButterJellyTimeforTea · 31/05/2017 10:14

She can't have seriously damaged your mental health without a lot of help from you. She's just a friend, if she wasn't being a very good one you didn't have to see her at all, you chose to.
You sound seriously OTT.

Original poster
winenotdine · 31/05/2017 11:27

what i failed to explain in the original post is that she would get extremely angry if something good happened in my life (i recently got a new job and she said i was trying to forget about her and leave her behind and didn't talk to me for several days,) it got to a point where i was scared to tell her how my day went etc because she would just explode on me then act like she hadn't five minutes later etc. she would also guilt trip me into buying/giving her things and i know that's partly my fault for listening but she would always say "oh but you already have a jacket like this, give it to me instead" and i would because i was scared of her getting angry. another thing she would do is whenever i tried to tell her that i wanted to end the friendship she'd be like "but i'm suicidal.. how could you leave a suicidal person? you're heartless" etc. she was also extremely possessive about who i could talk to/interact with, even going onto my facebook one day when she was at my house and deleting two of my close friends as she didn't like them.

i know a lot of people are going to be like "oh but you didn't have to listen" please keep in mind i was terrified of upsetting her/angering her- to the point where i'd have panic attacks when i mentioned something about myself.

i feel like it's also important to mention that whilst the majority of this happened in person, some of it happened via text so i showed my therapist some of our conversations so she could really see for herself and that's how she came to the conclusion.

OP posts:
PeanutButterJellyTimeforTea · 31/05/2017 11:32

it got to a point where i was scared to tell her how my day went etc because she would just explode on me then act like she hadn't five minutes later

Then the very simple answer was to stop telling her how your day went. You sought out contact and company from her. I hope your therapist is helping you to take responsibiity for your own actions and decisions? And not just reading private communications and labelling your friends,w hich is unproffesional.

NellieBuff · 31/05/2017 11:49

We cannot know the full circumstances of the situation on here but is your therapist private or on the NHS. I know a lot of therapists through the type of work I do and it strikes me as odd that she would comment on a third party and their behaviour. They cannot know the full story only what you are telling her so she would be concentrating on your issues only and letting you explore ways to handle/manage your issues that would allow you to go forward in life.

Bombardier25966 · 31/05/2017 12:04

You were feeding off each other, you both got something from the mutual attention, albeit in an unhealthy way.

Move on and only expect an apology if you're willing to give one yourself.

PoorYorick · 31/05/2017 12:14

Agree with Bombardier. You had some sort of symbiotic crapness going on and you obviously miss it because you're not happy with a basic apology and having her gone.

She's out of your life now and if she's as awful as you say, that should be enough. I can't think why you want to carry on engaging and dragging out the drama (well, I can but I don't want to be unkind). You already got an apology, she's gone like you want, now let it go.

hmcAsWas · 31/05/2017 12:32

Given your second post and the detail that you have provided, stop worrying about an apology - just have no further contact with this toxic friend

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