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AIBU?

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Original poster

Please help me plot revenge on my exH (lighthearted)

53 replies

Mapoftheworlddoorknob · 30/05/2017 21:39

He's being a twunt - the usual, quibbling over maintenance, not seeing DCs when he should. I won't go into the details because I want this thread to cheer me up please.

So, what I would LIKE to do, yes, really LIKE to do, because he makes me cry, is to sew prawns into his curtains.

So, what would you do? How can I get my own back on him and have a laugh at the same time - legally.... I don't want to break the law.

I don't know if he has a dash cam in his car. How can I tell if he's got one when I smear rotten eggs on his windscreen ?

Are glitterbombs completely anonymous? If i send him one, will it be traced back to me?

Can we have some fun please?

OP posts:
HerOtherHalf · 30/05/2017 22:58

When I was a kid i did a really nasty thing to a neighbour who complained about my brother and I pinching apples from their garden. We put 2 tubs of fishing maggots through their letter box when they were away on holiday. They came back to a plague of bluebottles of biblical proportions.

Original poster
Mapoftheworlddoorknob · 30/05/2017 22:58

I want to hide a rotten egg somewhere! In the wardrobe? Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
Mapoftheworlddoorknob · 30/05/2017 23:01

herotherhalf genius!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OP posts:
velvetcandy · 30/05/2017 23:04

Someone I went to college with bought a car on eBay really cheap that had the word cu@t spray painted down the side of it. I often wonder if that person who did it was a poor fed up exdw HmmWink

velvetcandy · 30/05/2017 23:12

I also read somwhere pretty sure it wasn't MN but some stepkids hated their stepmum so much they sent a funeral director or whoever it is round to her house to collect her body. This made me howl when I read it as I also hated my stepmum. We were all very mean to my exstepmum think poo inside jewelry boxes that kinda thing and buying all the pay per view things on their sky. In defence we were 13ish.

KakunaRattata · 30/05/2017 23:19

If you do cress in the carpet, please make it spell "wanker". Personally I would spill fish juice on a carpet, I once had prawns leak in the car... the smell after a week or so was hideous despite there being no evidence.

FlaviaAlbia · 30/05/2017 23:20

Hammer frozen sausages into his garden. Wildlife will come from miles around for the undectable until then feast.

Of course, it's obligatory to do this at night dressed as a ninja.

Teutonic · 30/05/2017 23:27

You need to do it without leaving any trace.
Take as many prawns as you can, place into blender and blend until liquid.
Strain into a jar.
Lift any carpets at a corner, just a little.
Pour liquid.
Replace carpet.
Do the same with car.

Better still, if you can get hold of a syringe, then syringe the liquid into mattress, sofas and car seats too.

After a week or so, his place and car will stink like a fish dock on a hot day. Forever.

I may or may not be able to vouch for this method of revenge

filthosaurus · 30/05/2017 23:36

My act of revenge would be to sign him up for every one of those adverts you get in the back of magazines. Stannary stair lifts, ready meals delivery, free tena samples........ the more the better.

abbey44 · 30/05/2017 23:40

If you can get access, I've heard that chilli powder in the underwear drawers can be VERY uncomfortable. Especially if OW's G strings can be treated as well.

Not that I'd know, of course.... Wink

lalalalyra · 30/05/2017 23:41

My act of revenge would be to sign him up for every one of those adverts you get in the back of magazines. Stannary stair lifts, ready meals delivery, free tena samples........ the more the better.

This.

Also if he has any particular hatreds doubly so. I once knew a disgustingly racist man who was getting absolutely enraged because he kept getting junk mail/sign ups for "Equal Rights For All", invitations to events supporting refugees and asylum seekrs and, most enraging for him, application forms for community support and integration workers.

Butteredparsnip1ps · 31/05/2017 00:02

You lot are evil Grin

And I'm definitely not place-marking so that I can find the thread again should the need arise. Oh no.

mogloveseggs · 31/05/2017 00:11

My advice would have been prawns in the curtains. Potato up the exhaust pipe?

SparklyUnicornPoo · 31/05/2017 00:21

I have a lot of glitter, we can make the glitter bomb anonymous...

Do a few online surveys using his mobile number, sign him up for every free newsletter and advert you can find.

RedDogsBeg · 31/05/2017 00:24

If you could get access to his clothes sew up all the arms of his suits, shirts, jumpers and the legs of his trousers.

I have always had an admiration for the Lady who emptied her husband's wine cellar and delivered the contents of it around the village, the villagers woke up to find an expensive bottle of wine or two alongside their pint of milk!

Maltie · 31/05/2017 00:39

Paint his wall with milk

LoupGarou · 31/05/2017 01:46

Get some roundup and spray a cock into his front lawn so that the grass all dies off.

Wait for a warm sunny day, mash up Weetabix, milk and brown sugar and apply mixture to his car windscreen. A utter sod to get off after it has dried

Put poo into the water tank bit of the toilet

Write his phone number and a disgusting message in random places, something like "Suffering with cottage cheese discharge? That gets me hot baby, call Oswold on for some smokin' curdled action - let me put pleasure into scratching that itch". Hopefully this will lead to him being nicknamed "Cottage Cheese Weirdo" in your neck of the woods.

I'll try to think of more as more wine kicks in Grin

KC225 · 31/05/2017 02:09

Friend's sister swears she rubbed half a red hot chilli into the crutch of every pair of pants he owned.

Original poster
Mapoftheworlddoorknob · 31/05/2017 07:17

I LOVE these! Teutonic is my favourite at the moment. I'm going to name change to NoTraceNinja 😀Grin

OP posts:
StormTreader · 31/05/2017 12:53

Glitter in the washing machine should do it.

EsAreGood · 31/05/2017 13:01

If you could get access to his clothes sew up all the arms of his suits, shirts, jumpers and the legs of his trousers

My friend (who was a costume maker) did this to her exH's very very very expensive "best" suit and all of his jeans.

She also sewed "wanker" on to the back of one of his black "going out clubbing/pulling" T-shirts but it was like invisible thread that only glowed under club lights. Amazing.

Idrinkandiknowstuff · 31/05/2017 21:07

3am every morning for a month

www.ukwakeup.co.uk

Veronicat · 31/05/2017 22:09

Brake fluid in a coke can. Put a bit of cardboard over it and turn it upside down on the car roof they carefully slide the cardboard away. In the morning he'll think it's kids leaving rubbish and pick it up. The fluid will take the paint off. Disclaimer: Ive not done this. This was told to me by a QC Shock

Original poster
Mapoftheworlddoorknob · 31/05/2017 22:43

Shock But isn't that criminal damage? I'm worried that the f*ker would call the police on me if he found out it was me.

Ok, I have prepared the prawn juice. Am just working up the balls to spread it over the front door Confused

OP posts:
QueenofEsgaroth · 31/05/2017 23:24

save some to put in his shoes OP