AIBU to wish my birthday would just disappear?

[Handmethegin]

I know I'm lucky to be having a birthday, graveyard's full of people who would love a birthday blablabla and also this is a total first world problem BUT I am dreading my birthday.

I have a history of Very Bad Things happening on or very close to my birthday and pretty much stopped celebrating it about 15 years ago.

My family and some friends usually remember and it's nice to be remembered and thought of but I don't celebrate.

I am turning 40 soon and because it's a milestone everyone keeps asking me what I'm going to do and there are rumours of surprise parties going around but the thought of a birthday party for me makes me feel a bit sick.

We've had an awful year full of death, illness and trauma and it's not making me feel very party-ish.

My DH has chronic mental health problems and I am basically his career, I work freelance (main bread winner) while juggling DH, my mum has terminal cancer and I look after my son pretty much alone.

The thought of managing DH through a party makes me wants to vom, there's no question of leaving DS with DH while I go out alone. Leaving DH at home while I go out with DS for longer than a couple of hours also causes problems as DH needs me to look after him.

Even if there's no party (which I bet there will be, one of the mums at school is apparently organising some sort of group present which sounds nice but it will most likely be a voucher which I will be unable to use if I can't leave the house.

I'm grateful for my life and my family, I enjoy my job and am overall happy with my lot. But I wish it could be the day after my birthday already!!

No one understands when I say I don't want to do anything I just keep hearing "but it's your 40th!" I'm thankful for the good wishes but I really want it to not be my birthday!!

Fully agree with you OP. I could have written your post! Like you I just wish people would give it a rest, but they seem to think than rather it be my Bday to do as they wish they need to make it about themselves.

I sympathise. All I can advise is to make it very clear that you do not want any form of surprise party at ALL no matter how small or intimate it is and say that it will be a complete waste of money, time and effort as you can guarantee you can promise you would not attend.

Is there some sort of support group with people with the same illness as your partner that you could turn to for help? It doesn't sound unhealthy that you are unable to leave the house.

I sympathise. I would practise a set phrase to use, like "I plan to celebrate by having a quiet evening on the sofa, as I really hate parties and celebrating my birthday - it's my idea of hell", and just keep saying it to everyone. Hopefully if you say it enough, it will sink in. Also it goes without saying you don't accept any invites form anyone on the day, in case it's to a surprise party

Missionitspossible - I do feel trapped in the house. DH basically has awful depression with a couple of other issues (anxiety etc) but reacts awfully to meds so can't take them 😔 He barely eats, sleeps for hours and hours, has mood swings and stuff. I can still see my lovely fun caring husband in there but it's hard going trying to get him to even take some vitamins and fluids most days. I can go out for a bit, if he's asleep I sometimes take the opportunity but I can't plan anything really. I certainly don't want to leave him with DS for an evening as he can't handle any kind of emergency without a full on panic.
There's no support it seems, I just suck it up and get on with it. Try to focus on our fabulous DS while juggling work and looking after hubby.

Jampasty - I can hardly accept any invitations anyway! Unless I can take DS and it's only for an hour or so it's a no from me 😔

Handmethegin Sounds like a dangerous and potentially scary situation. I would urge him to book an appointment with his GP ASAP.

He's been to the GP, he needs to go back to a different one imo but I can't physically make him.

Be more forceful. It sounds dangerous. If you are able, do a house call.

I don't have your difficulties OP and I'm sorry to hear about them. I just wanted to share that I will be 40 soon and I don't want a fuss either. People keep on and on about a party. I don't want a party, I wouldn't mind a nice dinner with my family and some time to myself but I absolutely don't want a big celebration. My Mum especially is acting as though my husband is mean for not organising a big bash. I've always hated parties, I'm not sure why she thinks that just because I will be forty that I will change my mind. I'm also cross as DH is lovely and only the only one listening to me!

Also, I'm not sure what I am meant to be celebrating. I'm happy enough but life in many ways didn't turn out as I had hoped, I'm not widly successful . Forty is just a number.

You're not alone OP.

Colours - exactly! I've not held a party for my birthday since I turned 18 and I'm not going to change a 22 year habit just because I'm 40!!

Your husband sounds very ill OP. If you can't even leave him for an hour then you have serious issues.

Why can't he take medication? Why won't he go back to the Dr? It all sounds very draining and you have a dc who is witnessing this????? Very damaging for the child.

Sorry to be so negative

Sorry I misread... thought that you can't leave DH for an hour.

Op it sounds dreadful with your DH. He sounds extremely ill and the pressure on you must be immense. All you can do re birthday is reiterate that you sincerely do not wish for celebrations at the moment, perhaps mention that it would be nice in the future- that way may emphasise that it's really not something you want at this time. Re DH. If it is difficult to get fluids into him it sounds like he may have reached the point or be close to having his choice taken away from him. He sounds extremely sick and I would urge you to talk to your GP yourself and explain exactly what is happening. It would be unlikely that he reacts badly to every medication and it can often take a long time to prescribe an effective treatment in mental health issues. You sound completely alone with your child but there is support- you've been let down

Crunchy - yes he is very ill. The meds gave him horrific psychotic episodes so he was told to stop taking them. He feels the dr not only didn't help but gave him a dangerous drug that had major side effects.
Yes I am painfully aware we have a DS who I try to shield from it as much as possible and I've tried to explain that daddy is ill. I feel like a completely shit mum as it is that he has seen any of it at all to be honest. Pretty much deserve the crap mum of the year award 😢 I don't want to walk out on my husband/DS's father after 14 happy years together either just because he is very ill. This is all not helped by my own mum being in the late stages of cancer. I'm just muddling along trying to stay afloat and do my best. Evidently failing my precious sweet boy by the situation existing in the first place. Hence I don't want a bloody birthday!

Bettyspants - love the name :)
I give him fluids every day and often some fruit too, vitamin supplements as well. It needs a bit of persuasion sometimes though. The gp won't do a house call or discuss his case with me unless he stops eating and drinking completely. I do feel alone, no one understands 😔 and the pressure can be suffocating

That's appalling. Please contact another GP. From the little info you've given it sounds like your DH needs intensive psychiatric help and is at risk of needing to be sectioned. It's completely disgusting that your GP is doing nothing! Have you not had any contact from a community mental health team?

No Bettyspants nothing. DH started seeing a therapist privately last week but we arranged that ourselves.

You are absolutely not a crap Mum. I seem to remember vowing something regarding sickness and health. I struggled immensely with my mental health some years ago and my DH certainly stood by me. Would people be saying your child should not be witnessing these things if your DH was physically very Ill?

It sounds to me that you are doing a great job, it's a great example to our DC that we don't just walk away when things get bad.

I would reiterate what a PP said about talking to your own GP though. Perhaps some support could be found for you.

Sorry OP - cross post. Don't be afraid to push for help though, Sadly, he who shouts loudest..

Colours, agreed. Op you sound amazing but your husband desperately needs help and you need support. Keep badgering another GP , you are being let down.

Color me skeptical. I have seen a number of men who mysteriously end up too ill to do any caring labor for their children or their wife -- who magically make a recovery when life is a bit sunnier.

When you said you were your husband's carer, I assumed you meant he had a physical illness. Did you actually discuss medications with his doctor at any point, or were you just told second-hand that "nope, no medicine will work, and the doctor's an incompetent for trying to give me the meds that gave me a side effect"?

I ask because it's highly unusual for doctors to find out a medication has caused these kinds of side effects, then to not try some other medication or therapy. I am wondering if perhaps he is misinterpreting or misrepresenting his doctor's recommendations. If he is so depressed and anxious and mentally ill that he can't work, can't take care of a child for a couple of hours ... no doctor would shrug and say "well, I guess that's it, then, the med I tried didn't work."

The real red flag for me is the part where you said you'd have to attend to your husband all through a party thrown in your honor: "The thought of managing DH through a party makes me wants to vom, there's no question of leaving DS with DH while I go out alone."

Does he have problems any time there's an event that centers you? Does he make your life extra hard with more caring responsibilities when your friends or family come around to visit? I have literally never known a depressed person who would need to be "managed" actively because of a party in the household, or who couldn't figure out some way to handle themselves for a few hours.

You may say you are "happy with your lot," but this is unacceptable behavior on his part. He needs to do some of the work toward making himself better. If you told me he was spending hours every day working on his mental health and trying to find resources, fine. But it sounds like that's "your job" -- just like everything else in the house, with your child, with your finances, with your emotions.

Perhaps the reason you are so unsettled by the idea of a birthday party is that he has you wrapped in knots and feeling like you should never center yourself in anything. This man does not sound "depressed." A man you get nauseated thinking about "managing" for the duration of your own birthday party is not trying to get well. He is an abuser using a mental illness as an excuse to get you right where he wants you.

If someone throws you a surprise party- turn around and leave.

By the way, isn't it lovely that your child will get to see this model of behavior? I bet he can't wait to find a slave excuse me, a wife of his very own, so he can be waited on and told when to drink water.

In my experience, when these "depressed" men who cannot do anything for themselves are kicked out, they mysteriously find energy reserves they never before displayed, get jobs, and have a fairly normal life.

Wombofonesown I've been to the dr with him sometimes so I know that yes he's been properly diagnosed and the meds actually prescribed. I have seen him take the meds, seen the effects and heard the dr tell him to stop taking them. He does work, we are both freelance and he works daily in between his sleeps. We have been married for 14 years, I have had plenty of time to get to know him before mental illness came calling. He has not shown the controlling behaviours that you list. He is not abusive he is sick.

Is he receiving PIP or ESA?
You may be eligible for a carers assessment from your local council, which can signpost you to organisations who can help. Some offer a small discretionary grant which can help pay towards something to assist you in your caring role.