AIBU to wish my birthday would just disappear?

[Handmethegin]

I know I'm lucky to be having a birthday, graveyard's full of people who would love a birthday blablabla and also this is a total first world problem BUT I am dreading my birthday.

I have a history of Very Bad Things happening on or very close to my birthday and pretty much stopped celebrating it about 15 years ago.

My family and some friends usually remember and it's nice to be remembered and thought of but I don't celebrate.

I am turning 40 soon and because it's a milestone everyone keeps asking me what I'm going to do and there are rumours of surprise parties going around but the thought of a birthday party for me makes me feel a bit sick.

We've had an awful year full of death, illness and trauma and it's not making me feel very party-ish.

My DH has chronic mental health problems and I am basically his career, I work freelance (main bread winner) while juggling DH, my mum has terminal cancer and I look after my son pretty much alone.

The thought of managing DH through a party makes me wants to vom, there's no question of leaving DS with DH while I go out alone. Leaving DH at home while I go out with DS for longer than a couple of hours also causes problems as DH needs me to look after him.

Even if there's no party (which I bet there will be, one of the mums at school is apparently organising some sort of group present which sounds nice but it will most likely be a voucher which I will be unable to use if I can't leave the house.

I'm grateful for my life and my family, I enjoy my job and am overall happy with my lot. But I wish it could be the day after my birthday already!!

No one understands when I say I don't want to do anything I just keep hearing "but it's your 40th!" I'm thankful for the good wishes but I really want it to not be my birthday!!

I have literally never known a depressed person who would need to be "managed" actively because of a party in the household, or who couldn't figure out some way to handle themselves for a few hours.

Well, aren't you lucky, WombOf, that you've not experienced this. I think the family member I have with severe depression, and friends I have supported or seen from a distance, have sadly and certainly had these sorts of experiences. Just because you haven't seen it, doesn't make it not so. Even fairly average social anxiety can get people to the point of needing intensive handholding to get thru a party.

OP could you tell the friends making noises about surprise parties that you already have plans - doesn't matter too much what you say it is but you could throw in "since I hate parties, and especially surprises, I've planned....".
As for DH's health - while you are encouraging him back to the Dr's , have a look round the adverts/ poß in the waiting room for a carers' group. Most areas will have one, usually mixed ages and conditions. I think it would help you feel less horribly alone in your situation.

WombOfOnesOwn

Your posts have made me upset me very upset and angry. It's no wonder that OP is struggling to get support when attitudes like yours towards Mental Illness still exist.

Thank fuck my family don't feel like you do. I think I am selfish, feckless and a horrible person and my family reassure me that, no, what I have is a life-threatening illness.

Op, I feel so sorry for you. Can your DH change GPs or access some support somewhere else?

And yeah, fuck your birthday, if that's what you want. And, personally, I think fuck surprise parties whatever the circumstances.

But I hope you can do something nice for yourself sometimes. Not because it's a "big birthday" but because life sounds really not much fun at all at the moment.

Op- I think you need to give yourself a birthday gift. Is your son at school? If he is could you go for a massage for an hour or so? If ever there was a time for this type of thing, it's now.

You sound like a fab daughter, wife and mum.

I'm sorry you are going through this.
Have you asked for a referral to a psychiatrist. In my experience with my ex partner the GPS are not expert enough to prescribed accurately. Agree re support group also. Very important for you. Reach out and I hope you will find there is support there. The NHS provision can be very patchy for the reasons we all know about, but often there are voluntary groups who have stepped up, often they are to be found on the internet and possibly through facebook groups. Hope things improve for you xx

My concern is that you are under huge amounts of pressure here which isn't sustainable in the long term. The birthday is a red herring but it's just highlighting how stretched you are. You not being able to go out or leave your son in your DHs care is not normal, it has become your normal though.

I think you need to speak to the Drs and get DH a referral to the community mental health team. We went through similar with a family member so I know how hard it is and that you need to push.

Oh, this is awful. Your husband sounds very ill indeed, and I think there is a lot more you're not saying, if you can't leave him for more than an hour, can't go and spend vouchers and know you'd have to manage him through a party and the thought of how he'd behave makes you feel sick.

I too can't understand why the gp just told him to stop the meds and left it there when it's this bad.

Can you go to the gp and discuss with him/her personally and privately how to help your husband? As others said, this can't continue and it's no way to live for any of the three of you , at some point something's got to give.

Your birthday is I agree a red herring here.

You sound as though you are under a tremendous amount of pressure. Your husband is evidently extremely ill, and with the best will in the world and all the love you have for him, you can't be responsible for his mental health. He needs professional care, just as your mother is receiving. You certainly wouldn't expect to be the one treating your mother for cancer. And the same has to be true for your husband's illness.

He simply must receive care and treatment from trained professionals. I can imagine how difficult it would be if he refuses to seek help. But the situation you are in now is not sustainable.

Womb , thankfully attitudes like yours are not common. Awful comments.

I understand your feelings about your birthday OP. There are other medications that could be prescribed. Is your husband saying he won't try anything else? What does the GP say about a psychiatric referral (this is what's needed!). It's okay for posters to be jumping up and down about the GP. Is your husband activity seeking treatment? I don't think private counselling/therapy is the right option, but hopefully the counsellor will just tell your husband that he needs a psychiatric assessment. I think there are some strange views on this thread. Of course serious mental illness can be debilitating and require full-time care/hospitalization. However this comes when all treatments and medications have been fully explored. Which sounds absolutely nothing like OP's husband's situation.

Thank you all for understanding I don't feel like celebrating! Feel much less odd now 😄

DH had a very scary serious reaction to the last meds and I think he is frightened that a new gp will prescribe something else that doesn't agree with him.

His therapist told him last week to go back to the dr but he hasn't. I've offered to make him an appointment with my dr who is absolutely lovely but he won't. He says he 'doesn't feel depressed' yet I've seen him crying and he tells me he is miserable. sigh I'm no expert in what to do, wish I had a magic wand 😔

I know he needs help. I know I can't sustain this. But I can't manhandle a big bloke into the car and force him to see a dr.

Something may give eventually but I don't want that. He's a loving husband and father inside and we want him to be well again.

Please go back to the Dr with her husband and see what else is available re treatment. Also can you enquire about respite where you can get even a few hours off. I am not talking about for your birthday necessarily but for ANY day, at least a few hours. There may be a centre where you can drop your husband off (sounds awful but might be what you need for at least a few hours respite).

I think this is the problem. He is not taking any responsibility for his own mental health and the weight of living with him sounds horrendous for you. If he had that kind of reaction to an anti depressant he needs to have a mental health assessment to understand what's going on. I think you are going to have to get really tough on him because living with this isn't okay for any of you. I would start by writing to the GP and summarise what is going on. E.g. how much your partner sleeps, how often he cries and for how long, that he is making no contribution to daily life. Tough love sometimes means saying enough is enough and we cannot live like this any more. You are not doing him any favours by allowing him to exist like this. I hope you can find a way to push things forward.

I agree with kittybiscuits. My mum was a single parent after my parents divorce when i was 3, and suffered with depression her whole life. She did a fab job raising me but I always felt like we didn't have a "normal" life - no birthday parties with family and friends, no friends over at our house ever, etc. Your kid would love to see you socialise and that would teach him important lessons for his social life in the future. It is important that your husband gets help ASAP as none of you are living your lives to the fullest.

A few weeks on and DH is much improved (new meds hurrah!) although it's not an overnight cure, we have our lives back to an extent.

Knowing I didn't want a party, a few weeks ago my sister suggested a quiet bbq at theirs the day after my birthday, just her little family and my little family. I said yes because for most of our adult birthdays that's pretty much what we do. I've just discovered that she and DH have been in cahoots and there's a guest list. And my parents aren't even on the list (my mum probably wouldn't be up to it but my dad and step-mum are around and I'd like to see them more than anyone non-family!). Honestly I could cry. She even just said to me "well the guest list was longer but then you had a massive rant about not wanting to do anything so I trimmed the guest list a bit". Now I feel guilty for not wanting a party as my sister has put loads of effort in and I really love her, but I feel very conflicted 😢

Also feel guilty for suggesting my parents come as she's clearly planned something without them.
Having spoken to DH again he says he didn't know and has just been arranging presents with her. He also said I've been very hard to arrange for and they can't work out what it is I want 🙄