To feel my daughter should be remembered??

[HulaMelody]

5 years today my daughter was stillborn. She'd be starting school this year.
Is it too much to ask for close friends to even send a text message to say they're thinking of us, or have they forgotten?
Of course I could always do a fb post but it's almost like wanting to remind people to care. And I'm not meaning I want lots of attention, just for close friends to acknowledge the pain I still feel every bloody day.

I think if you put something on FB you'll soon see that people do care, but I wouldn't expect people to remember dates that aren't as personal and precious to them as they are to myself. I had a pretty horrendous late miscarriage and the date is one that I'd find easy to remember, but I still don't expect others to (and I'd put diamonds on my DH pulling a panicked awkward face if I asked him when it is!). Unless it's written on my calendar I don't remember many people's birthdays outside my family and closest friends, my DS goes to his friends parties every year and, if it's not on the actual date, I usually don't have a clue when their real birthday is.

So, very sorry for your loss OP, be kind to yourself today x

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I'm sure they haven't completely forgotten, but maybe they don't realise the date. Unfortunately people lead busy lives and things slip sometimes, it doesn't mean they don't care however.

Happy Birthday Liberty x

Happy Birthday Liberty

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Thinking of Liberty and you xx

I don't think remember a birthday is the same as a birthday that coincides with the day that they were born sleeping. I am crap with birthdays but that really is something that I would remember.

OP for you and happy 5th birthday to Liberty.

So sorry it is five years since your dear daughter was stillborn.

My experience is that close friends and family do remember, but they don't remember at certain dates or anniversaries like us mothers do.

If it was me I wouldn't put it on facebook, maybe just mention to a few close friends or family - don't fuss if they remember the date or not, just tell them how you feel.

For me the saddest times were seeing others with similar age kids. So I would have had three kids growing up not two, with a four year gap after my two. Most friends just have two older kids, but one friend has a little girl bang on the age my third child (only daughter) should have been now. I find seeing that family hard now, it makes me sad. Which is awful as the reason she is so much younger is due to their fertility issues.

Sorry for your loss.
Please remember that people do react differently though.
Two people close to me who had stillbirths or baby died shortly afterwards, one really didn't like anyone who wasn't really close mentioning him, and the other didn't talk about her even to the subsequent children until nearly 10 years has passed.

But people may remember. I was on a newsgroup with a lady whose dd had died due to an infection at birth and I remember her several times a year, but especially near her birthday.
I've lost contact with the mum, but I hope one day to come across her again. Her DD would have been 16yo.

Ps just remembering her has made me cry. I'm not a usual crier, but her story touched me si much.

Happy birthday Liberty

In my opinion YANBU. I would expect old/ close friends to remember her birthday. It's not difficult to put the date in a diary and send a text. I did forget my friend's son's birthday last year. First time in 10 years and I felt absolutely dreadful that I'd not acknowledged it.

Here's a very UMnetty hug for you. And for little Liberty too.

Am so sorry for your loss. I have friends who have lost babies one through a horrible cot death I havent "marked" that date for me, my friends can hardly remember my Birthday., so its not deliberate. i is possible they may not want to be reminding you of this horrible day.

I'm so sorry so very sorry.
My guess is people don't know what to say.
Maybe they think if they mention Liberty will it upset you ? Of course friends don't want to upset each other.
My nephew died at 7 months, one year I asked my sil if I could take flowers to the grave and she went crazy. Cried and became angry because she didn't want to deal it, that's her way.
If you talk about Liberty maybe they will acknowledge that you are ok with talking about her. Xx

I honestly couldn't tell you the date my twin sister died although I know it was early June. My mum always had flowers in the house that week as her way of marking the anniversary. I think of her often but am not a date person. I hate the idea of having a set day I feel obliged to feel sad. It comes in waves at the most bizarre times.
If you need support then please ask but ime you need to find a way for you to mark the anniversary without expectations on others. I've sadly lost a number of young family members pretty tragically but I don't expect dh to remember I'll just say I'm feeling sad as I miss Elizabeth or Katy would have loved that etc. Take care of yourself.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I think friends do remember these things, but they might not remember the date. Most people are quite bad about remembering things like birthdays of non-family members without the help of Facebook. It is only really an exceptionally thoughtful person who remembers the days when people pass. It doesn't mean that they don't care for you. I think it would be a good thing to share the memory if you feel their support would be helpful: it can be done in a classy, non-attention seeking way.

OP this helpline is staffed by trained volunteers who are all bereaved parents childdeathhelpline.org.uk if you want to call and talk about Liberty or how you're feeling about people not remembering or not getting in touch to say hey, must be a difficult time, etc. I personally probably wouldnt remember the date, but I understand it from both sides and have felt hurt and angry and sad when nobody sends a text or just some acknowledgement.

'And there's the whole 'everyone is so busy' argument but really it's 10 seconds to send a message, '

Yes its a very lame excuse isn't it, everyone's busy on social media more like, but can't quite manage an email or text.

Op I have a friend whose baby died 7 years ago. I always remember the date, not because I'm very organised or efficient but just simply because seeing people go through something like that really is seared in my memory. Of course I don't remember all friends dcs birthdays, but one who lost a dc so tragically I certainly do.

I'm sorry your friends are thoughtless and clueless. People often are until something terrible happens in their lives too and they realise how important empathy is and marking dates/anniversaries .

Birthdays and anniversaries are very hard, and all the more so at milestones such as 5, 10, 18 I think. Lots of people find it helpful to have something they do on or close to the day to mark it - go to a particular place, light a candle, take flowers somewhere, take a trip, take a day off work, whatever it might be.

I'm so sorry for your loss and happy birthday Liberty

My brother died over twenty years ago, not at birth but at 14. My mum, understandably, still finds anything associated with him really hard. Every birthday, Christmas, Mother's Day, anniversary of his death and just because she misses him is never mentioned not because we don't remember but because for my mum it's too painful.

Me, on the other hand, always mention it on social media. I only have family and (real life) friends on my profile, people do 'like' my post or make comments. I'm not mentioning him for any of that but it's my release. And honestly I would rather pictures of him only pop up when I'm prepared for them. My two best friends always message me first thing in the morning, they have been in my life for nearly 30yrs and were friends with my brother too, if they weren't I'm sure they wouldn't remember.

My dad always marks the anniversary, and up until he moved away would always put flowers where my brother died but again never said anything to me.

Each and every person feels grief in their own way and no way is right or wrong.

Sorry for your loss, OP
Beautiful name you gave her, too.

Happy birthday Liberty

Could people maybe feel awkward? As a society, we're so rubbish at handling grief. I'd like to think it's because your friends don't know what to say, rather than not being interested.

Lots of love to you at what must be an especially painful time.

I'm sorry for your loss. People are all different: in truth I would be very unlikely to remember an exact date and if I did, I would probably not send a message. That doesn't mean that I wouldn't feel for you.

Obviously you and your immediate family will remember and want to mark the exact date but perhaps you are expecting a little bit much of your friends...I am sure they will react sympathetically if you mention it.

OP,

My thoughts are with you today. Liberty is being remembered here.

IMO, you AdefinitelyNBU to want loved ones to acknowledge her birthday.
Whilst I can totally understand hesitancy as to whether mentioning a child's anniversary/ birthday might be unwelcome or upset a bereaved parent, and erring on the side of not, your posts clearly state they have been there all along and are fully aware as to your wants and feelings about significant dates/ milestones.

Unless informed otherwise by you, why should that change after 5yrs, 6yrs, 7yrs...
(I agree: it's sad that some people interpret grief lasting any longer than some arbitrary period of time they judge appropriate as not having moved on/ not worked through feelings etc.).

As to forgetting the actual dates, it's hardly taxing to stick 2 reminders on a flipping phone or calendar, is it?

I have no personal experience of the utter devastation that the death of a child brings...heartbreaking even to imagine, but to experience it must be pain of the cruellest kind.

But in case (God forbid) someone close to me were ever in a similar position, may I ask bereaved parent MNers here if lighting a candle and/ or making a small donation to one of the Stillbirth charities, (SANDS/ Tommy's/ ISA) in honour of the child's birthday, would be seen as an appropriate gesture from a close friend? Or too intrusive and OTT?

Im so sorry for your loss, Liberty is such a beautiful name, do you have a special way to remember your little girl?

In a close circle of friends I think they probably do remember the date but are not sure what to do or say, people grieve in different ways, many worry about causing more pain.

I read an article recently by a mother who lost a child, in it she said she wanted to people to talk about her child to ask about her child because that kept their memory alive, but all to often people shy away from doing this because they are so worried about upsetting her, she said the worst had happened to her nothing can hurt of upset her more than the pain of loosing her child

Happy Birthday Liberty 🌟