To feel my daughter should be remembered??

[HulaMelody]

5 years today my daughter was stillborn. She'd be starting school this year.
Is it too much to ask for close friends to even send a text message to say they're thinking of us, or have they forgotten?
Of course I could always do a fb post but it's almost like wanting to remind people to care. And I'm not meaning I want lots of attention, just for close friends to acknowledge the pain I still feel every bloody day.

It is not a date that people would naturally mark in their calendar so if you want support, please ask

This OP, its bad enough a pain without being unnecessarily cross with people my dear.

I would appreciate people noting it on Facebook so I could send them a message and my love XXX

sweet read the thread properly. It's the op's daughter's birthday today.

OP I am so sorry to hear about your loss. As it was five years ago, I would expect by now that your friends would know that yes, you do want to talk about her and remember her.

My best friend's son was stillborn a few months back. His birthday (and the date of his funeral) have been put into an app on my phone that records all the birthdays of my friends/families little ones so that I can always see whose birthdays are coming up. Not that I'll need them in there as I'll never forget those two heartbreaking dates, but it's my insurance policy to be sure I NEVER forget.

I know that my friend wants to talk about her son, wants me to use his name, and wants to talk about what he would have been like if he'd had a chance to grow up. I know this because she is my friend and I have asked her. And if at some point over the years she changes her mind about talking about him, she will tell me. Until then I will keep on doing what I'm doing.

I really don't think it is too much to expect close friends and family members to remember this date and send a little message or card or phonecall to let you know they are thinking of you.

I'll be thinking of you and Liberty today x

Oops, sorry missed that.

So sorry OP. It is common for bereaved parents not to hear from people, even the closest people, at important times like birthdays. 5 years is a big deal and starting school. Of course it's something people close to you should acknowledge when you've made it clear you want to talk about Liberty. However, unless they've been through similar it's likely that they won't realise how to do this without upsetting you, or feel that they won't know what to say. of course all they need to say is that they're thinking of you, or have remembered - but so often at times like this that's not what happens. It's not because they're not thinking of you or wouldn't care, it's really usually a combination of trepidation about how to talk about it and what to say and their own discomfort with something so upsetting.

Sorry for you loss. Thinking of you today.

Happy birthday Liberty 💝

I am so sorry for your loss.

In the past people were discouraged from talking about and actively remembering their lost children. But personally I felt it was essential to talk about my son and keep him as a member of my family.

We 'celebrate' his birthday, it is near to Xmas so we put the tree up on that day and each of the children receive a new bauble each year, including Charlie.

Some might see it as a negative thing but he is always close to my thoughts even 17 years later, it gives me and the other children some comfort to have a day to focus on him. Other family members sometimes remember, my mum visited his grave this year in the day. Other family members and friends don't remember. I don't expect them to but feel remarkably touched when they do.

But then of all of my relatives that have passed I don't particularly note the date and commemorate it, except for my boy. But he was special just as your beautiful Liberty was x

OP I am very sorry about the loss of your dd 💐 I too have a stillborn dd and I know how it can hurt and the birthday is always tough

People should remember, I don't expect the whole world to remember but I do expect my parents, in laws and my best friend to not forget my dd, she was my baby and I'm her mum and she should not be forgotten.

I hope you manage today x

What a beautiful name. Thinking of you

I put it on Facebook to remind people because i don't expect them to remember, mainly because they don't remember the birthdays of my other kids either.

But I do understand my little girl was 5 years in April, she should have stared school last year. People don't realise the daily/weekly/monthly/yearly things we are missing out on. It's not just birthdays and anniversaries.

I'm so sorry for your loss of Liberty, it's cruel and unfair.

I hear you OP, and completely get what you say about the year that she would be starting schools being particularly difficult.

My first dd was stillborn just before Xmas 11 years ago. Other than my ds, no-one remembers or mentions it. If I mention it to friends/family, there's always a 'Esme who, who's Esme?' moment before the penny drops.

I find it really distressing. I've learnt over the years that I can't expect any support from anyone other than my dh and I can cope with that. The thing I find difficult is their assumption that it doesn't affect me eg if I'm late sending Xmas presents etc, my explaining that it's a difficult time of year isn't viewed to be sufficient reason.

Happy birthday to Liberty and best wishes to you.

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss, OP. And I do get that you don't want to have to ask people to care, though sadly, modern life being what it is, you might have to remind your friends.

I'm thinking of you and Liberty today.

All my love to you and Liberty (beautiful name) xxxx

Thanks all.
My family have remembered and I'm not expecting condolences from a cast of thousands, but the friends who have been with me throughout.

Our team at work was moved around a while back so I guess I'm also feeling lonely because they were so caring and thoughtful and because I'm not there every day it feels a bit out of sight, out of mind.

For people who say they wouldn't remember the exact date, or haven't acknowledged others losses as time goes on, I'd maybe think about how this may make the recipient feel. Maybe they would appreciate more.

I've lost loved ones and people I've been close to, but losing a child is a different kind of grief. There's a raw need to ensure their short life is not forgotten, and that they're considered a person in their own right.

I really don't expect even close friends to remember my son's birthday.
I don't think it's fair that you expect your friends to remember this date.

It's also fairly early in the day and some people may send you something later.

It looks like you have had a hard time over it and haven't really come to terms with her passing. Have you had counselling?

Thank you OP. You have expressed your feelings well and I have learnt from your posts.

My little boy was stillborn and his birthday is etched on my heart as the worst imaginable day of my life. But over the years, people forget or they don't like to remind you. Now it's me that remembers him, even DH tends to not recall it and I don't remind him or resent it.....I quietly remember holding my darling tiny little boy (he was only 26 weeks) as I do every single day.

It's a really weird occasion for other people to remember, being honest, and as time goes by and life moves on, people do forget....not intentionally, but because the impact it had on you is just a million times more than it had on them. Oddly enough, it was the year that would have been his 18th birthday that was a really really hard one for me and I felt very very alone that day.
Thinking of you and Liberty today xx

If you don't want to do it on social media, could you perhaps invite some family/friends for something like a picnic and let off balloons or lanterns in her memory? Ask them to donate to a relevant charity as a 'birthday present' to Liberty? So sorry for your loss.

Sending for you and your lovely Liberty.

Thank you for this post, it has reminded me to be mindful of others going through similar. Hope you are doing ok.

I'm so sorry for your loss

Happy birthday Liberty 💐 it must be really difficult for you. Don't worry if others don't mention it, whatever their reasons, you will always love and cherish her

Beautiful name.

For what it's worth, I'm genuinely sorry for your loss and can understand your pain today (and always).

I wonder if your friends worry it'll upset you to mark the day or make reference to it being her birthday?

Be kind to yourself today.

Liberty is a lovely name.

I don't think it's fair that you expect your friends to remember this date.

^This

It is hard enough remembering family's birthdays let alone birthdays of friends children. Also, people will forget. Your grief is not their grief and they don't have a constant reminder unlike you :-(

Sorry for your loss op.

I wouldn't expect people to remember the date though, I struggle to remember anyone's birthdays past the actual month mostly and I wouldn't want to say it on the wrong day so would say nothing at all.

As you've said your friends all have children the same age so starting school in a few months they also might be so wrapped up with that, that they don't want to mention it as to not cause more upset to you.

Firstly, of course Liberty should be remembered, today of all days. I'm so sorry for your loss.

But, I think if we're honest, very few of us remember friends' children's birthdays unless we're actually prompted by Facebook, a birthday party invite or suchlike.

If you want support from people outside your immediate circle, then don't be shy about letting them know this. I'm sure they don't intend to hurt you.