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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is bad hosting?

78 replies

hibbledobble · 30/05/2017 11:42

Is this off? I think it is but wondered general mn opinion. Another thread reminded me of this.

We went to an engagement party where we didn't know any other guests as a family (2 adults and 2 children ). It was a picnic in the park. I cooked a big dish and planned to share it.

We offered to share with other guests, this was turned down by them. Tried to socialise but other guests were rather icy. Host did not introduce us to anyone, nor offer us any food or drink. Our offer to share food was turned down. There was not one bit of food or drink on offer for guests.

We just ate our own food, and wondered why we didn't go to our local park to do it, rather than travel for a complete lack of hosting.

Our eldest daughter wanted to play with a balloon that was out and was told not to by the host too.

Overall we felt very unwelcome.

Aibu to think that if you host a party then you should at least provide some food or drink, and introduce guests?

OP posts:
Original poster
hibbledobble · 30/05/2017 13:48

The food was vegetarian and gluten free, but yes not vegan ami

I don't think it's because loads of the guests were vegan, as they didn't even seem interested what the food was before declining it. It was very much a case of 'I don't know you and don't want to interact '.

It's interesting to hear your experience of weddings.

OP posts:
Original poster
hibbledobble · 30/05/2017 13:51

I am vegetarian and always ask if food is veggie. It isn't possible to tell with a passing glance usually, especially with hlthw wide use of Quorn etc. I wouldn't be dismissive of anyone offering food.

OP posts:
DorotheaBeale · 30/05/2017 14:01

If I didn't want the food someone was offering, because I didn't like whatever it was, I'd probably say 'No thanks, but would you like to try some of my (whatever)', to show I wasn't being unfriendly. And then have a bit of a chat. It's just manners, isn't it? If you're part of a social occasion, even if you're not the host, you have some responsibility for making it go well, by joining in and being sociable.

Fidoandacupoftea · 30/05/2017 14:34

Really strange and awkward for you. What was the point of it if there was no food or socialisation.

user1491572121 · 30/05/2017 14:44

Every communal picnic gathering I've been to has involved sharing food! I wonder if you were invited by mistake...not that this excuses the behaviour!

Original poster
hibbledobble · 30/05/2017 15:35

It didn't even occur to me previously that we could have been invited by accident.

It is unusual to invite someone to an emgagement party, then not to the wedding, isn't it?

OP posts:
peachgreen · 30/05/2017 15:39

@hibbledobble It is VERY unusual. Still no excuse for the hosts to be rude unless they somehow thought you had gatecrashed? But given you didn't know anyone else that doesn't make much sense...

But it's very easy to accidentally add someone to a Facebook invite!

GotToGetMyFingerOut · 30/05/2017 15:50

Even if gou were invited by accident the other guests wont of known that unless she sneaked round telling them all as soon as you arrived. However im a bit of a weirdo and can't eat food from someone's house i dont know. Id of declined and had a chat though.

indigox · 30/05/2017 15:56

Even if you were invited by mistake you'd expect them to at least make you feel welcome. Odd behaviour.

witsender · 30/05/2017 16:02

I don't know really, you might have loads of people to a party then a small wedding.

It sounds just like a group picnic as against a communal food deal, you just got the wrong end of the stick which is easily done.

Her friends sound pretty rude though.

SheSaidHeSaid · 30/05/2017 16:04

That isn't a party, it's just a gathering of strangers in a park. Weird.

Deathraystare · 30/05/2017 16:16

Wait until they invite you to the wedding and send back a reply "No thanks". That is all you need to say until they ask you why not then let rip with the bullet points about the awful atmosphere, not shared food etc etc and your little girl not allowed to play with the ballon. Well I certainly would anyway!!! And don't feel you have to send a card or present.

Some people!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 30/05/2017 16:18

Yes, that sounds pretty dreadful - I think you've probably had a lucky escape, not being invited to the wedding!

I've got no time for these cliquey sorts who won't speak to anyone they don't already know - how limiting! And they can't all be introverts, some of them are just bloody rude, like the ones that Crunchy came up against.

I'm not very good at making small talk, but I do make an effort to talk to new people, you never know when you might meet a new friend.

TheMysteriousJackelope · 30/05/2017 16:25

That is really bad hosting.

The point of an engagement party is to introduce friends and relatives from both sides to each other. It sounds like the people who invited you didn't even bother to do this. So what was the point of the party except to aggravate their nearest and dearest?

It sounds like a really badly organized pot luck with you thinking you had to bring food to share and other people thinking they had to bring their own picnic. A pot luck would be perfectly fine if their friends had organized it with them as the guests of honor. Everyone could have brought a dish and shared it as you attempted to do. That is acceptable hosting - where there isn't really a host, just an organizer. Throwing your own pot luck for a shower, wedding, or birthday where presents are traditionally given is tacky.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 30/05/2017 16:39

That's not a party, that's

"Meet me in the park where I'll be showing off my engagement ring and then updating my facebook to brag about what a great party I had, loads of people showed up #I'm so popular.... Grin

honeyroar · 30/05/2017 16:43

It's very rude to leave one or two guests isolated and feeling awkward. And who says no to a child touching a balloon!!

When they get married you can always send a FB message saying,..

"Wishing you a wonderful wedding day. Hope it's not as boring as your engagement party!xx" (joke!)

tigerskinrug · 30/05/2017 16:47

I really wouldn't consider that a party, so the 'hosting' doesn't even come into it.
I was once invited to a picnic, everyone told to bring lunch. Got there and everyone is sitting with a lunchbox, ie only food for themselves. I had brought food to share, people looked quite shocked when I put my offerings down and despite me forcing offering numerous times no one took anything. I think they were embarrassed more than anything.

SuperFlyHigh · 30/05/2017 16:51

Very bad hosting!

I recall a few years ago I was invited as were a few other single people to a work colleague and friend's picnic party for her DD in a local park and we both lived near each other. I expected to feel really left out but the mums and dads and kids all spoke to the single people, even though we didn't really have much in common as most of the singles weren't parents.

I do think sometimes people feel awkward, been invited to neighbours DC birthday parties and had the parent friends be a bit unfriendly eg only speak to people you know. In that case I speak to the odd parent who sometimes mistakes me for a mum and the other parents in the street whom I know in passing.

This was downright rude OP though.

SuperFlyHigh · 30/05/2017 16:53

tiger but it's no skin off the hosts' noses to introduce any people who don't know their friends to the OP and her DH and DC. In fact it's the polite thing to do!

The food maybe I'd skip that... But the balloon comment is mean and rude!

ArgyMargy · 30/05/2017 17:08

I've noticed that people are a bit rubbish about mingling at parties nowadays. Totally puts me off going to things on my own, if no-one can be arsed to mix. What's the worst that could happen if you chat to people you haven't met before? OMG you might just have a good time.

YANBU and definitely no wedding present or even a card for this crap couple. Mark my words your DH will be asked to chip in for an office pressie - don't!!.

ArgyMargy · 30/05/2017 17:09

Oops I thought bride & DH work together but apparently not. Well anyway you know what I mean. De-friend now!

Original poster
hibbledobble · 30/05/2017 18:51

wits there are going to be over 200 guests at the wedding, so not exactly small. Bride to be told dh this.

I only realised how odd the balloon comment was when I told a friend about how awkward it all was, and she was shocked that anyone would have balloons out and not expect children to play with them. Friend is childless too.

OP posts:
CatsRidingRollercoasters · 30/05/2017 19:17

How mean of her to stop a child playing with a balloon! It sounds like you've had a lucky escape from being invited to the dullest wedding of the year.

My dc are invited to lots of children's parties and they are young enough that I stay with them. One stands out in my memory as being really crap. It was a soft play. I arrived with 2yo dd who excitedly presented her wee pal with the present. The girl's mother swiped it out of dd's hands without a word of thanks and muttered something about presents going in the bag for life Hmm

Then she walked off and completely ignored me for the rest of the party. Dd didn't care but I felt really awkward. Luckily there were others in a similar position so I had people to chat to.

Lots of the guests were the same though - standing at the sides looking miserable and staring grumpily around. So rude.

She's continued to blank me ever since.

I reckon you were invited by mistake or they weren't expecting your dc or something. No excuse of course!

Butterymuffin · 30/05/2017 19:22

That's the worst party ever. Don't bother with these people again.

changingmylifecompletely28489 · 30/05/2017 19:24

Call me old fashioned, but to begin with, DON'T FREAKING INVITE ME ON FB!!! It's rude & I won't show up.

How long did you stay? Did the bride to be acknowledge you?