to expect my 2 small DS's to respond to my parenting!?

[Jamhandprints]

Please help! I am at my wits end! DS5 and DS3 are happy, lively boys but they are naughty ALL the time! DS3 takes delight in breaking things, flushing things down the toilet, stepping onto the road, running away from me...anything he knows he's not allowed to do. He often hits other children but only if i'm there, never at nursery. And DS5 used to be like this but has calmed down a lot but still wont be quiet at bedtime, helps himself to snacks I've said no to, shouts out words he thinks are bad, hits me if I say he can't have something and won't sit and listen to his teacher at school. So I feel like I'm constantly battling them and I hate it. Our discipline methods are "sitting on the stairs" or if that doesn't work/ they refuse it's a toy "on the shelf" for the rest of the day. And if they still carry on, I do shout. Which I hate. But nothing stops them anyway. The HV said Time Out and Toy on the Shelf shouldn't be used, we should use a sticker chart instead. But OH thinks we should be stricter as they're running wild. I feel like a terrible parent and failing them badly. What am I supposed to do? I just want to love and guide them to socially acceptable behaviour but they just don't respond to me. I have honestly considered adoption would be better for mg 3 year old. :-(

Trust me, I did not have run of the mill, compliant children - far from it!
You have to make the environment as safe as you possibly can and supervise constantly. Redirect and distract rather than tell off.
Keep positive saying what you DO want, not what you don't want. 'Walk next to me', as opposed to 'don't run off'
If they sit in puddles a lot, let them play in water in the garden - try not to get too stressed about the small stuff. Take spare clothes with you if it's raining.

Voice, thanks, I am probably guilty of saying 'don't run off' so will try the 'walk next to me' idea.

I read 1 2 3 Magic by Thomas Phelan which I found really useful and also How to talk so little kids will listen by Joanna Faber and Julie King (I hated the style of the second but it do have some great advice so I gritted my teeth and read it.

I agree with telling them the behaviour you want, marble jars to earn rewards etc. It's a hard few years but having 4 or 5 tools to use really helps minimise bad days.

With so many other things which could be influencing their behaviour, it might be worth asking for advice from someone who knows the boys and your family really well. Is there a trusted grandparent or other adult you could ask for advice?

We do a kind of fusion of positive parenting with a pat on the backside (not to hurt, just to reinforce the message) when they do something way over the boundary. It's been effective.

Have you read raising your spirited child (or something like that)? This helped me understand that being stricter just wouldn't work. Now I set the bar quite low, have some non-negotiables about safety and very basic manners, but let a lot of stuff go. My DD eats like a caveman for example - fingers and all - but I just haven't got the energy to focus on everything. I never realised what hard work consistent discipline is; i really have to limit the rules for my own sanity.

I love teapotters suggestion to focus on one thing at a time.

Your children sound very bright and you sound like a lovely parent, please don't despair !

For punishments, how about choosing one that is an actual benefit for you e.g. Not doing something for them that takes an effort (reading story, cooking food - they can have a sandwich instead). Perhaps this is bad parenting? But at least you'd get a reward for the hard work of disciplining :) enforcing time out sounds like another chore.