6 year old can't/won't get to sleep... hysterical...WWYD?

[witsender]

Our 6 yr old is going through a spate of struggling at bedtime. Perfectly happy until the moment of separation and then tearful, says she is lonely etc. This quickly reaches hysteria if no-one stays, and she is as stubborn as they come so will continue if left.

I don't know what route to take... accept that this a phase, only made into a big deal if we make it one (thereby leading to anxiety around bedtime) or go harder line and leave her to it.

Dh favours the latter route, and has been firm with her and insists that if I stay downstairs she will get past it. So we are trying it, and tonight has been half an hour of sobbing and crying my name. He has been going up every 10 mins or so to reassure her etc.

I am at a bit of a loss tbh!

I know this sounds a bit weird but is it worth trying some kind of meditation before bed? You could do it together even to start with and it might give her some self soothing skills and ways of dealing with her feeling and whatever is bothering her just now. I imagine there is stuff aimed at kids

Have a 4 year old who won't go to sleep alone. Have just discovered guided meditation online. Really works well to help him calm down and switch off. We also sometimes do a timer thing if it's getting late. 'You've got 30 mins with Mummy or Daddy to help you get to sleep. You can use the time as you like. After that we are going.' I explain we have boring grownup things to get on with. Then set timer for 10 mins. Then say ok, we can do this twice more. Let's spend the first 10 mins reading. Alarm goes, we do another 10 mins reading. Then I say, enough stories, let's snuggle and do your best to go to sleep. Lie still etc. If they're not making an effort to go to sleep I say I will leave if not calm by the time I've got to 3.

Do you know how much sleep she needs? I'm aware that my son needs less than he did in Sept. Looked at the NHS page on this. They do drop amount of sleep needed per night by about 30 mins a year at this stage. So, later bedtime? Earlier bedtime?

You need to work out what is causing the anxiety. Sorting that out alone might help.

What works for me with DS2 5 is the Sleepy Sounds app and/or falling asleep in our bed, then I move him when he's properly asleep.

You guys are awesome, thanks for not telling me to get a grip and let her get on with it.

As it turns out, both kids appeared with us at some point last night. 😂 I had the 5 yr old on my side and DH had the 6 year old on his. When he snuck out for work this morning I ended up with both which was nice!

We have always been very relaxed about sleeping arrangements in our house.

Sometimes if a child has a need for comfort then it's better to fulfil that need.
Withdrawing doesn't stop the need- it simply intensifies it.

We have had a family bed for years, then became bed hoppers.. In that time:

1. No one has ever been deprived of sleep.
2. We have never had any tantrums or tears at bedtime
3. Transitioning to their own beds was gradual but very easy.
4. My ( now teenage ) kids will go to bed when tired and have healthy sleep patterns.

I was given plenty warnings about " making a rod for my own back", but honestly that advice was a heap of shit.

Do what feels right and you win't go wrong.

My bedroom is like a hippycommune. Even dd15 comes up with her mattress if she's feeling anxious.

Could you do the gradual withdrawal thing, @witsender?

Start by sitting by the bed, facing slightly away from her, not talking, just being there with her then, over successive nights, move gradually further away - so she knows you are there, but she is getting used to settling down without actually being in contact with you. Take it at a pace which suits you both, and sooner or later you will end up being able to be outside the bedroom door, and even further away.

I think this is a more gentle alternative to letting her cry it out.

Whatever you do decide to do, like everything, this too will pass. Even if, like @Ledkr's dd, she comes in sometimes, when she needs it, by the time she's a teenager, she will be settling herself to sleep in her own room.

Ledkr- I love it.

Sometimes if the boys are away DD (17) and I will have a movie night in her big bed, with popcorn, and sleep snuggled up.

I would echo the others, do what makes her feel happy and secure and Im sure that will help more in the long term than a shorter painful 'training' experience.

DS2 is 7 and has always had trouble sleeping, he is a secure happy child by day but by night it's a different story! He feels lonely, anxious, misses me etc It's not manipulative or naughty, I can tell he really means it. He has always had a good bedtime routine, my elder child sleeps like a dream and has for years so it's a personality thing.

We've just got him a new 'grownup' bedside light and some new books and letting him read in bed which he is really loving. We go up after 15 mins or so and he tells us about his book then we agree 10 mins trying to sleep and we'll check on him. 9/10 he has fallen asleep by then. I think the reading in bed really helps to calm him down and stops those worrying thoughts. If he gets worried during those 10 minutes he's allowed to come down to us or go in our bed. Again taking away the pressure has helped a lot too.

My dd who is neerly 6 can be like this. We just sit by her room and put music on for her. I tend to be upset when kids are going to sleep as we do bath, reading then bed. Dd does not like going to sleep with complete silence. She also has to have particular toy. The way I see it they are still young and just need comforting. I wouldent make it into an issue by not going up. She will soon settle back into routine. I would go out and pick some story cds for her and a cuddly toy

We have a family bed and I'm frequently deprived of sleep. Dd1 was persuaded into her own bed aged 5.5 as she would not stop sleeping on my head - and as I'm also constantly breastfeeding D's (9 months) every bloody hour at night, plus dd2 (who thankfully self Weaned during my last pregnancy) still wakes at night. So I had ds in one side, dd2 on the other, and dd1 on my head! Hence her now in her own room. She still gets loads of cuddles whenever she wants and can get in with dh, but we now prefer the waiting on the landing wherever possible. She still has her own single bed alongside mine if she wants it - but she's not allowed to sleep on my head!

agree, talk to see if there are particular issues which have come up this week (maybe someone saying something at school?). Plenty of reassurance that everything's OK. Story CDs if they help - it helped a lot with my undefined anxiety when I was little (tapes though of course in those days!). Agree a "hard line" isn't the approach.

My parents used to enforce a strict bed time, we used to read for a little while and have dolls and teddies in bed to talk to , although I can recall not being sleepy as it was so early we soon used to nod off - does she like to read?

Is there anything significant which has made this happen in the last week? My 3 went through similar things at different ages (as did I as a child - I can still remember it).
A night light helped one - a dream catcher another, the radio/ gentle music playing low for the other.
My experience, on the other hand, was to be left to get on with it - I am 53 now and still remember it all vividly.

I am reading this as I am sitting in my 6 year olds room while she goes to sleep. I am sure she will grow out of it at some point. Story cds seem to help settle her down when I need to put the littler one to bed.

Could you try some audio books? Something she can snuggle down to listen to? X

With my dd what has worked is making the room as dark as possible and then getting 5 night lights. One plug in that stays on all night, the rest paw patrol battery ones. We do story, cuddle and then put all of the lights on. Then we leave. 10 minutes later we return and give a quick kiss and turn off a pupil. Repeat until all pups are off. Room slowly gets darker and darker until there is just the plug in light. Over a couple of weeks we reduced the number of night lights turned on to begin with. Now it's just one, turned off ten minutes later and no more returns to her bedroom.

Tunes for the bedroom? I play wave sounds on my phone via an ap means I'm without my phone at night but when she wakes up she finds the sounds comforting and goes to sleep.

I sat on her bottom bunk for a bit while she fell asleep today which helped.

We spent today debating whether to re-jig the bedrooms... Turn the biggest room into a sleeping room for all of us, then have one as a wardrobe and one as a playroom. Very tempting. At the very least we will get a single bed to go alongside our king so there is a permanent space for both of them in there.

We have a cosleeper cot, then a king size, then a single bed. There is plenty of room for ds(9 mon), me, dd2, Dh, and then dd1 in the single. However dd1 is now mostly in her own room and Dh often fecks off to the spare room.

Still waiting for dd1 (5) to go to sleep now ds has finally given in, so I'm off to do cuddles :)

Yes, we will have a co-sleeper in there too come October hopefully!

When I was her age, I used to suffer terribly from nightmares. Could this be the case? I.e she is reluctant to be left alone to drop off...

I am just about to have my second, and my daughter is being very clingy, especially at bed-time (she is 5). We have a few books (from the magic faraway series) on Audible which she listens to as she settles which has helped a bit.

Well, after commenting on this last night, DS has been lonely and homesick in the night (we're on holiday) Last night, and tonight, he's been in my big bed with me.
I'd rather he has a nice holiday than is overtired and stressed.