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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

6 year old can't/won't get to sleep... hysterical...WWYD?

75 replies

witsender · 29/05/2017 20:39

Our 6 yr old is going through a spate of struggling at bedtime. Perfectly happy until the moment of separation and then tearful, says she is lonely etc. This quickly reaches hysteria if no-one stays, and she is as stubborn as they come so will continue if left.

I don't know what route to take... accept that this a phase, only made into a big deal if we make it one (thereby leading to anxiety around bedtime) or go harder line and leave her to it.

Dh favours the latter route, and has been firm with her and insists that if I stay downstairs she will get past it. So we are trying it, and tonight has been half an hour of sobbing and crying my name. He has been going up every 10 mins or so to reassure her etc.

I am at a bit of a loss tbh!

OP posts:
MapMyMum · 29/05/2017 21:05

Just had this with my nearly 6 year old. We made a dreamcatcher to hang in the window. She asked everyday if one of would lie with her but we told her she was safe and we were close by if needed. I gave her 2 of my teddies that I had as a child so I knew they would keep her safe becasue they worked for me. After about a week or 10 days of her asking and being clingy at bedtime, things seem to have eased off the last few weeks.
Personally I wouldnt leave a child that was very upset

Mrsbclinton · 29/05/2017 21:05

My DD was like this around 5 years of age.

She is an anxious child and there was a lot going on in her life around that time. I used to sit in her room till she fell asleep.
Gradually, I was able to leave her to fall asleep by herself by checking on her every ten minutes.
I think if your child is that upset then she needs you there with her to re assure her. It will pass in time and its nicer than having her really upset before going to sleep.

fruitpastille · 29/05/2017 21:06

My nine year old is having a long phase of this. He really is terrified of something dreadful happening so is scared of any noises (or perceived noises). We have been working through a book called 'What to do when you dread your bed' - from Amazon - which has really helped but might be a little bit old for your DD. Also distraction techniques such as thinking of an A-Z of animal names etc have helped.

rainbowpie · 29/05/2017 21:06

WWID? Sit with her! Cuddle her. She clearly needs extra reassurance atm. I sit with my 3yo until she falls asleep every night. My life would be easier if I could put her in her bed and walk away but that isn't where we're at right now.

Colacolaaddict · 29/05/2017 21:09

I remember being terrified of burglars breaking in, and sobbing my heart out outside my parents' door because I was banned from going in. I have no inclination to go hard line.

One of ours doesn't fall asleep easily but is very comforted by being allowed to fall asleep in our bed if she is struggling, and I think knowing she will be treated kindly reduces her anxiety substantially.

We also have various sleep aids - hot or cold water bottle, magic muslin, giant soft toy, all placebos that we have built up over time. A teacher once recommended a white noise app too. Lots of options for props.

happylittlevegemites · 29/05/2017 21:12

When our four year old is "scared" we just tell him to go to bed in our bed. We can usually move him back to his room once he's asleep. We go through a phase of having to do this lots every couple of months.

Dunno if it's the "right" thing to do, but neither of us want to hear him cry nor do we want to sit in his room until he falls asleep! It's our easiest solution.

Dragongirl10 · 29/05/2017 21:15

As she has always been a good sleeper, l would take the time to sit quietly in her room with the light low..... no talking....until she is either very sleepy and calm or asleep.

My DD has always slept very well and gone to bed easily, but there have been a couple of times since she started school (11 now) when she has inexplicably wanted to be close to me for a few days...l sit in her room as above to reassure....after a few nights she has been fine and not needed me.

Sometimes they have worries which are hard to articulate and just need to feel supported..however l would not do it indefinately and with minimal fuss.

Original poster
witsender · 29/05/2017 21:15

She's an odd one, it is hard to tell if it is genuine upset or or stubbornness. Either way, it is an odd one for us as the idea of leaving her is an anethma to us, neither of them have ever been left or sleep trained or whatever.

OP posts:
thunderyclouds · 29/05/2017 21:18

Have you tried a radio in her room? When either of mine are fearful I put some classical music on low and it settles them. I think it distracts from other worries.

Westray · 29/05/2017 21:19

I'd let her sleep in my bed for a while.

No big deal in our house.

Teardropexplodes · 29/05/2017 21:19

I still remember going to sleep in my mum's bed when I was little and upset. It was a nice comforting feeling, even though she wasn't there.

Ledkr · 29/05/2017 21:20

Do what you have to do.
My 6 year old went through this and after a few days of "trying to solve it" I just went with it. I put a littke bed on the floor in my room and she just slept there for a few weeks and then stopped.
They aren't little for long and I'd hate to feel scared and have someone force me to stay on my own.
She sleeps fine now.

Ledkr · 29/05/2017 21:21

Oh and I'm really pleased to see lots of people do the same.

DJBaggySmalls · 29/05/2017 21:22

She was me at that age. I was ok when the dog was in my room, but my parents disapproved.
I'd also give her transition objects including something that smells distinctively of you (start to wear perfume), something to cuddle, and some photos.

hottotrotsky · 29/05/2017 21:30

Our 6 yo Ds never drops off alone. He reads aloud then his dad reads to him til he falls asleep while I sort LO. Wouldn't dream of leaving him alone to enter the land of nod.

Toysaurus · 29/05/2017 21:32

My 6yo dd is very much the same ATM. Bit of careful questioning and she's going through a worrying about people dying phase which gets worse at bedtime when she has that quiet time to reflect and think.

Original poster
witsender · 29/05/2017 21:41

We are totally happy to roll with it, I just second guess myself constantly as to whether doing so actually makes it worse. I mean, are we 'empowering' her to be able to work through this? But equally, she is only 6. If she came in in the night, as she often does she would be welcomed in to bed with open arms...and if there was no room (because her brother, 5, was in there as well starfishing 😂) then one of us will go back and get into her bed with her. So why do we see bedtime as different? We wouldn't let her be like this any other time of day, so why bedtime? So I think we will just keep on doing what we do and roll with it.

OP posts:
Original poster
witsender · 29/05/2017 21:42

Thanks for the responses everyone.

OP posts:
Ledkr · 29/05/2017 21:52

Dd and I have had a movie night and she's coming up with me after.
I'm like you and used to worry about habits and stuff but I've 4 others who all sleep on their own now so it's no biggie.

Trb17 · 29/05/2017 22:13

DD has tried this in various guises since she was about 6 so I feel your pain.

In end the only thing that worked (after trying the usual of an extra cuddle etc) was explaining that, for every night where she had a hissy fit at bedtime, she would then have to go to bed 30 mins earlier the next night.

Since her ambition was to put off bed time as long as possible this became a good deterrent, especially since I stuck to my word every time. Even if bedtime got stupidly early.

I wasn't shouty or anything, just explained to her that if she couldn't go to bed nicely then she clearly needed more sleep to make up for the delay the hissy fit caused so would go earlier the next night.

Usually only ever took a couple of nights applying this rule for her to realise she was doing herself no favours. She would try it on again every few months but then if so the same and it would work again for a while.

Good luck.

VanellopeVonSchweetz99 · 29/05/2017 22:24

Very similar here, DD is also 6. We have gone soft, she now co-sleeps most nights. I think there's just a lot going on with her personal development, thinking about death etc + in school, being a v responsible 'big girl', learning to read and juggling friendships right now.

Enidblyton1 · 29/05/2017 22:33

My DD is really settled by listening to a story CD while she goes to sleep.

She was also given some little worry dolls to put under her pillow by a friend. If she has any worries, she can tell them to the dolls!

I definitely agree with you and would take the gentle approach. Most likely just a phase and she'll be fine soon.

NotSoSkinnyNow · 29/05/2017 22:39

Dd is 7 and has trouble switching off at night. Currently she listens to a children's meditation on YouTube (Cory''s conscious living is quite good ) whilst cuddling in with my pyjama top.

smallfishlargepond · 29/05/2017 23:37

My parents took the "hardline" approach with my little sister when she was 7. We're in our thirties now and she still talks (to me, not them) about how sad and abandoned she felt left to cry in her bed on her own and I don't think she's really forgiven them. I think you're exactly right to take the gentle approach, particularly if she's an anxious soul, as my sister was. Hope she feels happier soon.

AcrossthePond55 · 29/05/2017 23:47

If you think it might work, go to the store with her and have her pick out two identical stuffed toys, one for you and one for her. When you tuck her up at night give her 'hers', tell her to cuddle it and tell her that you are taking 'yours' downstairs with you and that you will be cuddling yours at the same time so it will be like you are cuddling each other. If her bedroom's not too far you can tie a ribbon to each of them and stretch it to the living room so they are 'connected'.

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