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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To refuse to work with this man again

78 replies

MaidenMotherCrone · 29/05/2017 08:54

For background...,,

Each shift requires 2 people in my dept. At the moment there is just me so I do the work of 2 people. My manager asked me to train a new guy up who would then be with me. Yay I thought, brilliant, no more running myself ragged.

He was ok, he listened and as he had past experience picked things up quickly.

However, he was an absolute creep. In the first hour ( of a bloody 12 hour shift) he mentioned getting naked 3 times. As the day went on he told me he was a Casanova (who fucking says that?) repeatedly stood so close to me I had to ask ( and then tell) him to move away from me. He was telling me some bullshit tale and used the expression ' I can give a hard ride or a smooth ride, it's the ladies choice' WTF! ( just a few examples to give you an idea).

The highlight of the day was when he ran his hand down my arm in such a suggestive way I wanted to punch him. I pushed his hand away and told him to never touch me lagain.

He made my skin crawl.

I changed the conversation at every unacceptable point, I changed from being friendly to cold civil and remained professional. I'm assertive and not one to accept poor behaviour from anyone.

Now my natural reaction would be to deal with this myself and put him in his place in no uncertain terms but this would not protect all the other women at work from him.

I'm going to speak to my manager tomorrow and I will refuse to work with him again. I don't want him in the building never mind near me. 85% of the staff are men and it's bloody hard enough dealing with the sexist shit/abusive comments day in day out without adding this creep.

So, AIBU ?

OP posts:

amybear100 · 29/05/2017 11:52

op I was with you until the 'Big Dave revelation '.You are muddying the waters asto what is appropriate and what isn't.Why did you not go to the manager about the guy who said you liked 'bum fun'? Instead you engaged in what could be deemed sexual harassment yourself

Original poster

MaidenMotherCrone · 29/05/2017 12:03

Yes Big Dave ,if they wouldn't say it to Dave then they cannot say it to a women, that's the whole point.

Shame them by one of their own.

I don't join in, I don't think it's acceptable, I do change some of the words they've used when I pass comments on to Dave i.e., bum fun- anal sex, cock- penis, pussy-vagina.

OP posts:

loveka · 29/05/2017 12:05

I work in the area of workplace behaviour.

Yes you need to report him. The ideal would be that you talk to him and explain why his behaviour is wrong, however not everyone would feel comfortable doing that. The thinking behind that is he should be given the chance to change.

The banter culture doesn't sound good. You are doing the classic woman in a man's world thing of 'giving as good as you get. Sadly, this just reinforces the culture. People don't know where the line is, so cross it and offend people. It's confusing.

I suggest your workplace really needs some Inclusion training, and the training provider needs to focus on banter. Could you suggest this to your manager?

The cost will be more than offset by avoiding an expensive employment tribunal claim. You might want to talk to your union rep about that.

Original poster

MaidenMotherCrone · 29/05/2017 12:12

Loveka that is excellent advice and I see how it could look like I'm giving as good as I get.

It really doesn't feel like that.

OP posts:

FuckYouLinda · 29/05/2017 12:30

If you frame it in terms of how bad this bloke is from a management point of view you might get quicker or better results.

If Management feel that this guy will give them an inevitable sexual harassment problem or lead to women refusing to work with him therefore buggering up their rosters and staffing they might listen better than them fobbing it off as you not being able for banter.

loveka · 29/05/2017 12:34

No, that's not the intention, you are trying to protect yourself, which is what women are forced to do in these situation!

I guess that's how it comes across to them though.

In an employment tribunal a judge always looks at the impact of a behaviour, not the intention behind it. Which is why it's always seen as a good idea to explain the impact someone's behaviour is having. Some, once they understand the impact, will stop.

Original poster

MaidenMotherCrone · 30/05/2017 13:20

For anyone interested in the outcome.....

He was given his marching orders.

One less idiot to worry about and yay for my manager

Huge thanks for everyone's advice.

OP posts:

Puzzledandpissedoff · 30/05/2017 13:23

So glad to hear that, Maiden ... let's just hope he doesn't ask you for a reference

user1483387154 · 30/05/2017 13:30

So pleased that he was sacked, his behaviour was disgusting!

Maudlinmaud · 30/05/2017 13:32

Did they give him feedback? I hope so. He needs to learn.

BandeauSally · 30/05/2017 13:41

Oh god if I didn't know where my ex colleague was working now I would have suspected you were talking about him! Or maybe it is him and he has been moved on already! He was very like the guy you describe and he creeped me out so much, I always worked with him alone and other colleagues thought I was exaggerating and that he was harmless, then he let slip to me that he had left his last job because he was reported for sexual harassment and he knew the investigation was just a plot to get rid of him so he left before it could happen. He told me the list of jobs he has had and the time frames: he never kept a job for more than a few months and at age 26 was on job 16. He has had 3 more jobs in the 9 months since he was let go from my company.

ohfourfoxache · 30/05/2017 14:04

That's absolutely brilliant news.

I'm so glad that the manager has taken action

Original poster

MaidenMotherCrone · 30/05/2017 14:06

Maudlin The only information I was given was that his agency had been informed of his behaviour and he was no longer required at the company. Apparently his agency were shocked and somewhat embarrassed.

Surely his agency now have to address the issue. I would hope they wouldn't put him forward for another position without dealing with it.

OP posts:

Original poster

MaidenMotherCrone · 30/05/2017 14:09

Bandeau this creep was much older. I'm glad you don't have to suffer that vile creep any more.

OP posts:

WellThatSucks · 30/05/2017 14:15

Another whom you lost at Big Dave. The creepy new guy needed reporting but, by the same token, so do all the others you generally have BIg Dave deal with. You say you want to protect all women from this kind of sexist harassment but by doing so unofficially joining in with the 'banter' so as to invite an intervention by Big Dave you're actually enlisting him to do the protecting for you and also sending the message that management/HR don't have to do their job re enforcing rules against workplace harassment.

Maudlinmaud · 30/05/2017 14:17

Don't know much about agency work. But yes I would hope they would address the issue. The agencies responsibility probably just lies in getting him into work and not provide basic training in what is or isn't acceptable. Basically he should know these things already.

BandeauSally · 30/05/2017 14:18

Bandeau this creep was much older.

Ugh that means there are more than one of them.

Catam · 30/05/2017 14:25

Glad you got a result. As a freelancer I complained (long after I should have at first) about a venue that was allowing a client to behave appallingly in sessions.

Unfortunately despite numerous complaints (up to board level and letting them know they were failing to provide a safe work environment) they still let him back.

He was banned later.....

When a man complained.

Once.

We all try to get along as best we can with life but it is fucking infuriating when, simply by born female, we are expected to put up with this crap.

Liiinoo · 30/05/2017 14:28

Excellent result. Well done OP

Puzzledandpissedoff · 30/05/2017 14:33

So glad the agency were told, Maiden - I have experience in this field and know what it's like to be told about something you couldn't possibly have foreseen

If they've got any sense at all they'll take him straight off their books and tell him why. They'll also probably spread the word, as IME agencies - at least those within the same industry - do talk to each other quite a lot

hmcAsWas · 30/05/2017 14:37

Excellent outcome MaidenMother

...and Big Dave is a legend

polkadotsrock · 30/05/2017 14:49

Possibly being naive but have also worked mostly in male dominated arenas and can't see the issue with Big Dave. It sends a clear message that OP is not happy with the comment and that their peers don't find it acceptable either. Sort of goes with the 'best to try and sort it yourself' comment the PP in this field mentioned earlier.

Dumdedumdedum · 30/05/2017 14:50

Great result, MaidenMotherCrone!
I get what you're doing with Big Dave, I don't think you're expecting him to protect you, I think you've found a way to show the sexist men who are harrassing you with their banter how unacceptable their comments are in a work situation. That's how I read it, anyway.

Dumdedumdedum · 30/05/2017 14:50

Sorry, unaccepatable comments in any situation, of course!

Original poster

MaidenMotherCrone · 30/05/2017 15:42

Thanks Polka and Dumde. You've hit the nail on the head.

OP posts:

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