EX not coming because of me

[Contactexsituation]

Starting with background so I don't drip feed. Sorry its probably more of a WWYD

Ex was married and had DS1 and DD1, his wife then passed away. This all happened before I met him. So we met a couple of months afterwards. Lots of people warned me against him as he had a reputation for sleeping around. However at the time he was very nice to me and convinced me that he loved me and we married and I adopted his DCs and we had DS2 together .

Things got steadily worse after we got married he became more and more controlling and abusive towards me. This got worse after I had DS2. I then found out that he had cheated on me throughout our relationship and when I tried to confront him he was horrible to me in front of the DCs and I realised that I had to leave.

So I left him with all the DCs and got a job and a small place to live. Ex originally wanted full contact of DS1 and DD1 and EOW and 3 nights a week with DS2. However DS1 and DD1 were old enough to have a say and they didn't want to live with him all the time. So in the end he was granted EOW and two nights a week for all the DCs.

He kept this up for a couple of months and then gradually he had more and more excuses, gradually he stopped doing the weeknights and then he was only seeing them one weekend a month. CM also gradually reduced and he claimed he had lost his job or move house so he could avoid paying it.

In the last two years he has seen them 3 times last Christmas and the Christmas before and last fathers day. DS1 is friends with EX on facebook. Ex sometimes suggests plans between them but then he drops out. DS1 says they talk once every 2-3 months or so for about 15 minutes.Ex also emails me for a brief update once a month.

During this time I met DH and we married and I had DD2 3 months ago.
We have been having issues with DS1 not behaving or trying at school since he was in year 8. At the end of year 10 he failed all is mock GCSEs because he didn't even try. But he wants to do music in college, but assumed he wouldn't need any GCSEs to get onto a BETC course. Ex supported DS1 on this and encouraged him to mess around in school.

So I took him to the local college and they told him that he would need some GCSEs to get onto the BETC course. While we were there they gave us a tour and we saw some of the other course departments and DS1 realised that actually he would quite like to do A-levels in a couple of subjects. He realised that it was going to take a lot of work but he really tried hard throughout year 11. We got him tutors and when the teachers realised he was serious some of them helped him too. He is currently doing his GCSE's and so far he says they are going ok and he is trying his best.

DD2 was born prematurely and spent the first 2 and a half months of life in the hospital . It's been really tough and between visiting her and making sure DS1 was supported I am tired and stressed and admittedly wile all this was going I forgot to check the email account I use for EX's updates and therefore I missed 1 updating emails.

So on friday night it suddenly occurred to me to check them. I did and ex has sent me loads of emails telling me how awful I am for not emailing him back. I messaged him straight away apologising for the delay and explaining what happened. He emailed me back a load of abuse and threats about going to court.

He then messaged DS1 on facebook telling him that I had been deliberately not messaging him and that I had caused EX so much stress and worry. So DS1 was then upset with me for not updating his dad.

Then yesterday EX emailed me saying that he wants to take me to court for failing to provide him updates on his kids. I messaged back pointing out that he has broken the initial court agreed visitation and he doesn't pay CM therefore if we went to court he would be much more worse off than me.

He then messaged DS1 and told him that until I make it up to him he will not be coming to see them on fathers day. DS1 is devastated because it is very likely that we won't see him till Christmas now. DS1 is very angry and upset with me and he wants to know why I am not bending over backwards for his dad.

I'm not sure what to do, I don't really want to beg EX to come. But at the same time I was in the wrong for not updating and DS1 loves EX and I know I should put it aside and just do whatever it takes for him. I'm worried that if we don't sort this soon DS1 will go back to not caring about school.

So AIBU to not beg EX to come and visit the DCs or should I just suck it up for DS1?

If the older teens are to email him, consider getting them to do it from your account so that he can't do a number on them instead of you... Or even the old-fashioned way - letters!

I would keep him updated but make it clear you are doing it for the children's benefit and will not tollerate abuse so have enlisted someone who can pass on messages.

Do the update through someone. A friend or relative. He can respond to the emails. The friend/relative will only pass on non abusive messages.

DS1 and DD1 are old enough to update by themselves but DS2 isn't and DD1 doesn't want to.
I'm also not sure I would be comfortable letting him had unrestricted contact with the younger two. I only let DS1 because DS1 wanted it.

So ds1 and dd1 can keep up contact alone. Dd1 needs to at least text him to say she's not interested. Could ds1 put ds 2 on the phone/FaceTime? You should not be updating him, he's just being a controlling prick.

The thing is OP - I've never heard of anyone doing this email "update" thing before - it's not usual. Fathers either make the effort to see their children or they don't, or there is some court order for communication but again it's usually between parent and child.

So ds1 and dd1 can keep up contact alone. Dd1 needs to at least text him to say she's not interested. Could ds1 put ds 2 on the phone/FaceTime? You should not be updating him, he's just being a controlling prick.

He definitely sounds like a controlling prick, and it's sadly inevitable that the one child he communicates with is picking up his behaviour. Personally I'd cut all contact, except with the oldest one who wants it, and let him go to court if he wants to. I'd prioritize protecting the children. They can make their own minds up when they they are older.

Update him about what? Their schooling? Their activities? Bullshit. If he's interested he can find out those things for himself.

"Dear Arsehole

Due to the tone of your recent emails I have decided to no longer provide email reports as you do not seem to understand that it has been a courtesy that I have extended to you and not something you have a right to demand or expect.

In future, it will be up to DS1 and DD1 to maintain contact with you as they are now old enough to control that aspect of their lives and to decide for themselves what they wish you to know. As far as DS2, in future it will be up to you to keep yourself informed.

If you wish to be informed of DS2's academic progress here is the school information:

If you wish to know about DS2's here is a link/address to that activity;

If you wish to ask for contact per our previously established court order, you may email me your request."

Hi there. I’m really sorry you have to deal with such a horrible person!
I wonder if you or any other person could have an advice for me,please?
In a very short story..My ex is seeing our children (7 and 9) every other weekend and we do share holidays equally.Last week before they went away to see him my daughter complained about her dad not spending time with them both,not being nice,not letting them voice their opinion etc (he was always very controling and manipulative). I’ve sent him an email voicing my concerns and asking him to make it better. He stacked (verbally) my daughter and told her that IF SHE TELLS ME ABOUT WHAT IS HAPPENING IN HIS HOUSE,COMPLAINS ABOUT HIM to me then THEY WILL NOT BE ALLOWED TO COME TO HIS HOUSE and HE WILL NEVER AGAIN COME TO SEE THEM!!!! He not only wants them to keep secrets from me ( how dangerous and wrong is that???) but also he is blackmailing/manipulating them! I have been dealing with him for years but i didn’t expect him to be such an asshole to his own children.
What do I do?? Any advice ,please??

Nomatterwhat84 you have commented on an old thread. You need to start a new one if you want some good answers. I'm sorry I have no advice, but im sure if you start your own thread someone better will be along soon.

Thanks. I just joined netmums and have no idea how to start a new thread. Little help please? Thank you!

You have joined Mumsnet. Netmums is a different site. Unreasonablereasinable has given you advise and it is considered polite to thank them for that.

www.mumsnet.com/info/getting-started
This will explain how to post.

Writing in capitals is akin to shouting at people so it is not the done thing.

Don't worry nomatterwhat you'll soon get the hang of it.

Stop updating him OP, email him only if it is deemed necessary.
DS1 is old enough to face the truth of the matter.
What a fantastic Mum you are ! 💐

What does he expect you to do to 'make it up to him'?

Prat!

DS1 will come around, he knows what you've been going through and if ex was that bothered he would have FB Ds ages ago.

I think you need to send you ex a very strongly worded email.

Tell him is father to 3 children and yet he seems disinterested in how these children go on day to day.
He is content to simply receive an email every month on what they are doing and ignore them for the rest of the time, feels he doesn't have to contribute to their financial needs, and now he is going to punish them by not even bothering to visit for 50% of the time he sees them in 365 days, and he has decided to call you out on not emailing you because you had a sick child, who needed your care everyday.

Tell him that there was nothing stopping him contacting his children to check they had not vanished of the face of the earth in the 75 odd days that he had not heard from you, and that he is a very poor excuse for a parent.

I would simple send an email after this each month saying your children are alive and eating.. and nothing else.

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