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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

EX not coming because of me

68 replies

Contactexsituation · 28/05/2017 18:48

Starting with background so I don't drip feed. Sorry its probably more of a WWYD

Ex was married and had DS1 and DD1, his wife then passed away. This all happened before I met him. So we met a couple of months afterwards. Lots of people warned me against him as he had a reputation for sleeping around. However at the time he was very nice to me and convinced me that he loved me and we married and I adopted his DCs and we had DS2 together .

Things got steadily worse after we got married he became more and more controlling and abusive towards me. This got worse after I had DS2. I then found out that he had cheated on me throughout our relationship and when I tried to confront him he was horrible to me in front of the DCs and I realised that I had to leave.

So I left him with all the DCs and got a job and a small place to live. Ex originally wanted full contact of DS1 and DD1 and EOW and 3 nights a week with DS2. However DS1 and DD1 were old enough to have a say and they didn't want to live with him all the time. So in the end he was granted EOW and two nights a week for all the DCs.

He kept this up for a couple of months and then gradually he had more and more excuses, gradually he stopped doing the weeknights and then he was only seeing them one weekend a month. CM also gradually reduced and he claimed he had lost his job or move house so he could avoid paying it.

In the last two years he has seen them 3 times last Christmas and the Christmas before and last fathers day. DS1 is friends with EX on facebook. Ex sometimes suggests plans between them but then he drops out. DS1 says they talk once every 2-3 months or so for about 15 minutes.Ex also emails me for a brief update once a month.

During this time I met DH and we married and I had DD2 3 months ago.
We have been having issues with DS1 not behaving or trying at school since he was in year 8. At the end of year 10 he failed all is mock GCSEs because he didn't even try. But he wants to do music in college, but assumed he wouldn't need any GCSEs to get onto a BETC course. Ex supported DS1 on this and encouraged him to mess around in school.

So I took him to the local college and they told him that he would need some GCSEs to get onto the BETC course. While we were there they gave us a tour and we saw some of the other course departments and DS1 realised that actually he would quite like to do A-levels in a couple of subjects. He realised that it was going to take a lot of work but he really tried hard throughout year 11. We got him tutors and when the teachers realised he was serious some of them helped him too. He is currently doing his GCSE's and so far he says they are going ok and he is trying his best.

DD2 was born prematurely and spent the first 2 and a half months of life in the hospital . It's been really tough and between visiting her and making sure DS1 was supported I am tired and stressed and admittedly wile all this was going I forgot to check the email account I use for EX's updates and therefore I missed 1 updating emails.

So on friday night it suddenly occurred to me to check them. I did and ex has sent me loads of emails telling me how awful I am for not emailing him back. I messaged him straight away apologising for the delay and explaining what happened. He emailed me back a load of abuse and threats about going to court.

He then messaged DS1 on facebook telling him that I had been deliberately not messaging him and that I had caused EX so much stress and worry. So DS1 was then upset with me for not updating his dad.

Then yesterday EX emailed me saying that he wants to take me to court for failing to provide him updates on his kids. I messaged back pointing out that he has broken the initial court agreed visitation and he doesn't pay CM therefore if we went to court he would be much more worse off than me.

He then messaged DS1 and told him that until I make it up to him he will not be coming to see them on fathers day. DS1 is devastated because it is very likely that we won't see him till Christmas now. DS1 is very angry and upset with me and he wants to know why I am not bending over backwards for his dad.

I'm not sure what to do, I don't really want to beg EX to come. But at the same time I was in the wrong for not updating and DS1 loves EX and I know I should put it aside and just do whatever it takes for him. I'm worried that if we don't sort this soon DS1 will go back to not caring about school.

So AIBU to not beg EX to come and visit the DCs or should I just suck it up for DS1?

OP posts:

Isetan · 28/05/2017 20:00

Hold your horses there OP, you aren't obligated to update him, it's something you do out of kindness (can't understand why give that your Ex is an arsehole).

Explain to your son that his father is using you to explain away his twattery. If it wasn't this, it would be something or someone else (next time it could be him being unjustly blamed) and even Beth Tweddle couldn't keep up with the acrobatics required to appease him.

Your son is clinging to you being the unreasonable one because you are a safer target. Deep down he knows his Dad is useless but clings to his excuses because it's too painful to accept that he just doesn't care enough to be different. Don't get sucked into bad mouthing his useless father because that would create a atmosphere where he might feel pressured into taking sides. Calmly repeat that not seeing him is his father's decision and you won't be bullied, manipulated or blackmailed by anybody.

QuiteLikely5 · 28/05/2017 20:04

I'm absolutely appalled that he could act this way towards you considering if you had not adopted his children they would be with him full time or worse in care.

Your son, needs to be reasonable and understand that you are not an emotional punchbag nor are you responsible for his fathers shortcomings

I would not bother contacting this pathetic man again except to tell him he is not acting in accordance with the court order and so unless he starts to meet the previous agreement of the court order he can get to hell.

Continuing the way you are really isn't benefiting anyone

ravenmum · 28/05/2017 20:11

Until you make it up to him by doing what?

Wait until DS1 has calmed down a bit then have a little chat. You don't have to slag his dad off, but neither do you have to make excuses for him. Point out that if his dad had been that bothered about the lack of updates he could have phoned or visited. Tell DS1 that you can understand why he feels angry in this complicated situation, but ask if maybe he is just angry at the situation, not at you, if he thinks about it.
Perhaps he could think about doing the counselling again, or find a new counsellor if that one wasn't his thing? And maybe consider some sport that would help him work off some of his frustration?

ravenmum · 28/05/2017 20:12

Also maybe find out the real reason why ex is not coming round that day. Might he be going on holiday?

Bringmewineandcake · 28/05/2017 20:17

Don't do it. It's a power trip for your ex nothing more. If he gave a shit he'd have picked up the phone or messaged DS1.
Make a plan for Father's Day involving all your children, and keep doing what you're doing with DS1

Lemonnaise · 28/05/2017 20:18

What an arsehole he is. I would stop with the email updates. Let him get off his arse and come and see his kids if he wants to know how they are. DS1 is old enough now to be told that this whole situation is down to his fathers lack of responsibility and he absolutely cannot be blackmailing you.

CherryMintVanilla · 28/05/2017 20:27

you aren't obligated to update him, it's something you do out of kindness

Inform him of this. You'll send email updates if and when you have the time/motivation to do so. It's a favour to him, not you obeying an order.

Don't have any worries about court. All the evidence is in your favour, he knows that too.

spongebob5 · 28/05/2017 20:28

What a twat your ex is! Threats about taking you to court are just that, threats! How dare he complain that you haven't emailed him about HIS children. If he bothered to have regular contact with them he would know all he needed to. I take my hat off to you, you are trying your best. I agree with pp about ds1, he is taking it out on you as you are the constant in his life & he knows deep down that his father is a deadbeat dad.

sonjadog · 28/05/2017 20:37

As DS1 is the one upset about it, I suggest you say that he can now take the responsibility for updating his Dad on his own. You can continue updating him on your other children when and if you have the time and inclination. His threat to take you to court is ridiculous and deserves no consideration.

But as your DS is in the middle of his GCSEs and they will be going on for just a few more weeks, I would be inclined to smooth it over right now and address the situation after his exams are finished.

CrazedZombie · 28/05/2017 20:43

You wouldn't get any trouble with Court.

With regards to ds tell him that he is the best person to update his dad. I have a son the same age and he is expected to update his dad with stuff that is important to him (and stuff that he might not want to discuss with me) I only inform ex of the serious like his mock results, hospitalisation, suspension from school... it is not normal for a resident parent to write an email for a teen. Deep down ds will know that his dad is a dickhead but it suits him to pretend to have a loving dad and that his lies are true. Ds will know from school friends how often an average dad sees his kids and it must hurt. 😢

Allthebestnamesareused · 28/05/2017 20:59

If he maintained contact with his children then he wouldn't even need email updates.

I would tell him from now on there will be no more email updates (which you have undertaken on a voluntary basis) because of his attitude towards you and his children.

Let him go to court. They will make short shrift of him them I am sure.

WidoWanky · 28/05/2017 21:13

Sounds like my ex. Ignore him. Carry on loving your kids and doing your best. He is still being an abusive nob.

Text, email, post, social media, contact arrangements.... there are so many easy ways to keep in touch with his kids, if he chooses to. He doesn't. Idiot.

You sound a great mum and your kids will know that.

KarmaNoMore · 28/05/2017 21:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sunnyjac · 29/05/2017 03:59

Karma has put it perfectly. You shouldn't allow ex power over you but the most important people, as you have demonstrated through your care of them, are the children. Pushing responsibility for contact onto DS1 would give ex more influence over him, something ex has shown he cannot be trusted to have. Keep yourself as the barrier between them, focus on the exams and chat with DS1 about how you want to support contact as much as you can. Although he is mentally old enough to understand and cope, it is unlikely he is emotionally old enough to do so. Good luck

HappyJanuary · 29/05/2017 07:07

I'd tell him he's absolutely right that you can no longer be relied upon to provide him with monthly email updates now that you have a new baby, and that it would therefore be better for everyone if arrangements revert back to the court ordered eow.

Ask him to let you know whenever he'd like that to resume.

Leave the ball in his court so he can't blame you in any way.

Tell the kids what you've done so they cannot conceivably blame you either.

YorkshireTree · 29/05/2017 08:40

What a sad situation. Your ex has royally done over his children. Especially the first two as they have lost a connection to their late DM through him as well. Grief could be colouring DS1s other emotions especially if he didn't process it properly when younger. Do they have contact with either set of grandparents?

movpov · 29/05/2017 08:53

Make sure you keep any abusive emails or messages for the unlikely event that he goes to court; no judge will give him any rights on seeing those. However going to court will be just empty threats- that would involve him actually getting off his arse and acting like he gives a shit. Sounds like you are doing a sterling job, and remember - those kids will come to realise who is there for them day to day and who isn't, and make up their own minds about him.

Original poster

Contactexsituation · 29/05/2017 18:31

Thank you for your advice.
The DCs aren't in contact with their mum's family because they have other issues.

I spoke to DS 1 briefly this morning but he is still grumpy but I am going to try again tonight.

Ex emailed me again threatening court so I told him that was ok. He has sent me a load of abusive emails but he hasn't mentioned court again.

OP posts:

Msqueen33 · 29/05/2017 18:43

He sounds like a controlling prick. He wants to have you update him whilst you raise the children and he doesn't parent at all! I'm sure the courts would laugh him out.

mikeyssister · 29/05/2017 18:48

Tell ex if he maintained the court ordered contact you wouldn't need to update him

PurpleDragon76 · 29/05/2017 18:55

Sending you abuse in writing will act as evidence against him if he did ever take you to court and from all that you said he wouldn't do well. I am seperated, I don not keep my ex updated on anything he just see's the kids when he feels like it. I would cut contact with the emails and look at an alternate way for him to see his children if he ever chooses to, a contact house or relative or something where you don't have to have interaction with him. You are amazing, 4 children with their own needs and a mum doing her best.

BlackeyedSusan · 29/05/2017 19:01

I would use the abusive emails as an excuse to save yourself some work and no longer update him. If he is abusive via email he loses the right to be emailed about the children unless it is an emergency.

remind him that children are available for contact at: {insert court times}

NotHotDogMum · 29/05/2017 19:30

I would email him saying that if continues to send you rude and abusive emails you will be closing down your email account and having no further contact with him.

WatchingFromTheWings · 29/05/2017 19:49

I'd stop emailing him. The older 2 DC are old enough to update them himself. My 2 DC were far younger than his 2 having mobile phones to keep in touch with their father. How old are the 2 you have with him? Are they old enough for mobiles yet?

As pp said, remind him that if he kept to the visitation he wouldn't need to hear from you. But I suspect he wants that element of control. So just take it away from him.

CherryMintVanilla · 29/05/2017 20:04

Make sure you keep the emails. Forward them to your DHs email too so you have a back-up in case anything happens to your account.

And I would just put an end to this ongoing abuse/power trip in whatever way you feel most comfortable with - saying that the older dc's will email him if and when they feel like it, informing him all future contact will be through lawyers, whatever would best for you. You've called his bluff on court and he'll be fuming about that for a long time - it has probably been his trump card for years.

As for your DS1 - teen hormones have a lot to answer for! But he's not exactly packing his bags and running off to his Dad is he? I expect he's mostly projecting anger at the general situation in general.

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