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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To decline this play date invite?

70 replies

LittleHouseonTheBuildingSite · 27/05/2017 18:36

DD is 8.
She has received an invitation from her best friend to go to play at her house tomorrow.

I really want to say no because I know I'll have to reciprocate ....

The girl and her family live in a huge house ! It's lovely and nicely decorated .

The parents have professional jobs and live on a lovely estate.

Their DD even speaks a bit posh

We on the other hand live on a council estate in a council house.

It needs decorating but money is tight as I'm disabled and don't work . I'm trying to do it little by little .

There are weeds in my garden and the place doesn't generally look nice.

DD has been friends with this girl since reception and I've never offered to have her here as I'm so embarrassed - I don't think her parents would be happy for her to play here !

I've had other children from the estate over to play but I don't mind as I feel more comfortable with the children being from the same background as me / DD .

I now feel bad that they have offered to have DD over and I never have .

I'm also dreading the fact I'll have to her here in return !

AIBU?

OP posts:

SometimesMaybe · 27/05/2017 19:40

Aw, honestly kids don't see "stuff" and "money". DDs best friend is less well off than us.

DD loves going there because she lives in a flat (the excitement!), she doesn't have an annoying younger sister getting in the way like at home and the mum bakes with them (I don't do things like this, I am a failure as a parent, a failure!)

Kids just see people not wealth. They just want to hang out with their friends. Please reciprocate the play date - you all might enjoy it!

Northend77 · 27/05/2017 19:48

You really shouldn't worry about this at all. I was very lucky when at school and we lived in a very large house on a private estate and I was extremely lucky enough to have a horse. I had friends who lived in all manner of houses and it didn't matter one bit. To be honest, I have never even thought about it until your thread!!!
Friends are so important and if your DD has a good friend in this girl then please don't let your embarrassment spoil that. Just be yourself, do what you can and let the kids have fun

SummerMummy88 · 27/05/2017 19:55

Just do it, they won't care about your home at all, if your that bothered you could always pick your up your Daughters friend and pick drop her off do the parents can't see your home.

On the other side of the argument this child's parents may feel awful that people don't invite their child anywhere it's not their fault they have a nice home.

Just invite her honestly people won't care or even notice your home and if they do they are not nice people who you would invite back anyway.

roundaboutthetown · 27/05/2017 19:57

YABVU. The children are friends. If the other girl's parents were bothered about you or your house, they would not keep inviting your dd round to theirs, for fear of reciprocation! Kids love going to different houses. It's really unfair not to invite the other girl back, unless your home is actually dangerous.

inkydinky · 27/05/2017 19:59

Your daughter's friend won't care about your house. My DDs best friend also lives in a "mansion" (My DDs view). Their cinema room has a larger footprint than my entire ground floor but they both have a lovely time when they're here in my titchy abode. I've had one visiting child ask "why is your house so small?" but she wasn't judging, she's just used to large houses!

I think your worries say more about your own insecurities than the other parents views. But if you are embarrassed by the weeds or messiness then that's easily fixable before she visits (my house gets bottomed on play date days. It's a good motivator!)

Raaaaaah · 27/05/2017 20:05

Do it. We live in a big house and are lucky enough not to worry. Our kids go to state school and mix with children from every conceivable background. They don't give a hoot about the size/state of home they are visiting. They are just thrilled to be asked over.

I'm aware that the disparity between our lifestyle and the rest of children's class can cause a distance sometimes and despite material wealth that can be a lonely place.

Craiconwithit · 27/05/2017 20:06

OP, Please don't limit your DD's interaction with her peers because you feel ashamed of your personal circumstances. Children don't care about houses and decor.
My mum did this to me because my dad was an alcoholic. He was a functional alcoholic but never abusive. I couldn't go to any after school clubs because it was more important to put food on the table which I did understand but I also wasn't allowed to invite friends over so friendships petered out early on in secondary school and I left school as soon as I could at 15 as I had no friends. A few years later, I went to evening classes and eventually got a degree but it took me years to feel comfortable making friends as I had no real frame of reference.

Beachhairdontcare · 27/05/2017 20:11

I live in a nice house, large garden. DS's friend lives in a tiny flat on a council estate. DS loves going there, there's a great sense of community and the kids all play out front. He has since told me that he wishes we lived in a flat too. Unless you reside in the local crack den then I'm sure they couldn't care less about where you live.
If you're too embarrassed to have the kid at yours, you could always offer to take them both to the park for an afternoon now the weather is improving?

ittakes2 · 27/05/2017 20:22

Sorry you are being unreasonable. We are lucky enough to have a nice house and I would be devastated if someone wouldn't let their child come over because of our house! You are presuming the other parents are that shallow. My daughter has one best friend whose house is so large etc they have a horses stable, pool and tennis court and she has other best friends whose parents can't afford to buy their houses or live in terraced houses on estates etc. Teach your daughter that it's the person that counts and not whether someone does or doesn't have money. And please do not feel ashamed of who you are - this is not a message you want your daughter to pick up on. You are obviously lovely and have brought up a lovely daughter and this is recognised by that child and her family so please put the money issue aside.

User561738489948 · 27/05/2017 20:43

Growing up I lived in an expensive area of London. Most of my friends lived in huge 3 story London houses and used to hire out the theatre for their birthdays etc.

I lived in a council flat, in an estate surrounded by these beautiful houses. No garden, and squatters in the ground floor flat.

Did I even notice? No. I think it was down to my Mum... she never showed any embarrassment at all and it never occurred to me that we were any different. I had good manners and was brought up well which I think is the main thing growing up. Please don't give your daughter any reason to feel embarrassed. My birthday parties would be at home in our flat or McDonald's etc. Everyone genuinely seemed to love it! Kids just want to have fun together. And any nice parent would be grateful you've entertained their child for a few hours.

IHaveACrapCat · 27/05/2017 21:38

Really glad you've accepted the invite OP, please do invite your DDs friend over to your house and don't be ashamed.

I make a point now of never apologising for the state my house is in. It's how we live. If people don't like it they can go jump.

Growing up, my best friend was a lot poorer (crapper council estate) than we were but I had no idea. I just thought it was amazing that she had a horse in the field at the back that we used to ride bareback and do jumps on I'd never ridden a horse before her mum always used to let us bake whatever we liked in their tiny kitchen and never shouted or made us tidy up.

Happy days.

That said, I'd be FUMING if 9yo DD went barebavk riding on a random council estate horse with no helmet or supervision...it was the 80s...

stopmoaningpip · 01/06/2017 07:58

If you're still reading OP, I hope the playdate goes/has gone well. I was reminded of this thread when I went with my toddler to a friend's flat the other day (council block). He thought climbing all the stairs was really exciting, also loved the view of the diggers on the building site next door, and the snack that he was given while he was there. Plus there was a particular toy she had that he is still talking about now. I had a lovely time chatting to the other mum while the children played - the flat was small enough that they couldn't run off anywhere eg upstairs like they could have done in our house, so I could relax more. If the other mum had decided she couldn't have us round because our house is bigger we would all have missed out on a lovely afternoon.

Onthecouchagain · 01/06/2017 08:15

YABU.

Doglikeafox · 01/06/2017 08:17

Simple. Have them over and then reciprocate by taking their DD to the park for ice cream/ to the beach and chips for tea on the pier/ to a soft play area and get a meal deal/ bowling /water park/ swimming.
Offer to pick them up from school and then drop their DD back home afterwards.
HOWEVER I would think about the message you could possibly be sending to your DD. Do you want her to be embarrassed about her home too? Or feel like she isn't as good as those with money?

booellesmum · 01/06/2017 08:25

My DD went to a friends house many years ago. Our house is falling apart, theirs is very large and well decorated.
I was worried DD would come home full of how much better their house was and how her friend had a massive bedroom.
The only thing she had noticed was the lack of soap in the bathroom and was puzzled as to how they wash their hands.

sticklebrix · 01/06/2017 09:12

We have often been the 'poorer' friends. We are also rubbish housekeepers - not dirty, but quite chaotic - and don't usually care. However, I used to be very self conscious when the DC's friends and their parents came round. We lived in an area where people tended to keep their houses super clean and very tidy and I'd always apologise for the kid clutter and mess.

When I apologised, I can't tell you how many times people would confide in me that they liked coming to our flat because it felt relaxed and it meant that they didn't have to pull out all the stops to get their own house perfect when we came over. Suddenly we started being allowed to see the imperfections in other people's 'perfect' lives.

Just be yourselves and show your daughter that it's fine to be who you are and have what you have. The other parents clearly trust you, or they wouldn't have invited your DD for fear of reciprocation.

TheyDoItOnPurposeLynne · 01/06/2017 09:21

For what it's worth.....my mum had a very similar attitude to yours about my sister and I visiting friends or having friends over to play. As a little girl this was so confusing and upsetting for me. As an adult I still get annoyed that she put her misplaced pride before my innocent fun! Our house wasn't squalid, just a bit tatty.
When my kids were little I made a point of making our not so fancy council house an open friendly place for their kids to come. It was lovely for me and them! Kids don't notice the things that adults do, they just want to play with their little mates. And if anyone is a bit sniffy then that's totally their problem not yours!

juliej75 · 01/06/2017 09:35

Really glad you've accepted the invite. The kids absolutely won't care and I doubt the adults do either.

I guess I'm probably on the other side - live in a big house in leafy area whereas DC tend to go on playdates to fairly small flats nearer the main road. They always love it there and don't want to come home - because kids like playing together no matter the surroundings (and I agree that pristine show homes often don't make for a fun place to play anyway)

Bit sad that you say the mum 'seems' snobbish though. She may be, but please don't assume. I've had a number of people express surprise that I'm friendly when they get to know me as I'm a bit shy with new people and - just because of where I live and sounding a bit posh - they assume I think I'm above them. Quite the opposite; I'd love to be as socially confident and happy in my own skin as them!

ChasedByBees · 01/06/2017 10:00

I'm glad you've changed your mind OP.

We have a 'nice' house and DD's best friend is in a council house. Her mum won't accept or even respond to any invitations and it makes DD so sad. There's been a few times we've thought she might come round and DD has made her friend special drawings with hearts on but her friend never turns up.

I couldn't care less what someone's house is like as long as the people in it are caring and lovely.

Don't judge the mum as a bit snobby - she is friendly to you and that's what matters.

GahBuggerit · 01/06/2017 10:21

For future reference please dont worry about having to reciprocate, people doing it for the right reasons invite kids for playdates because their children want to play with them so it really doesn't matter whether its at their house or your house. Its only on MN that Ive seen people view it as some sort of transaction that must be reciprocated and not just for what it is.

That being said, dont not reciprocate just because you are ashamed of where you live and your home. Some of the classiest, kindest, non judgemental people I know are from similar backgrounds to yours and mine.

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