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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To decline this play date invite?

70 replies

LittleHouseonTheBuildingSite · 27/05/2017 18:36

DD is 8.
She has received an invitation from her best friend to go to play at her house tomorrow.

I really want to say no because I know I'll have to reciprocate ....

The girl and her family live in a huge house ! It's lovely and nicely decorated .

The parents have professional jobs and live on a lovely estate.

Their DD even speaks a bit posh Blush

We on the other hand live on a council estate in a council house.

It needs decorating but money is tight as I'm disabled and don't work . I'm trying to do it little by little .

There are weeds in my garden and the place doesn't generally look nice.

DD has been friends with this girl since reception and I've never offered to have her here as I'm so embarrassed - I don't think her parents would be happy for her to play here !

I've had other children from the estate over to play but I don't mind as I feel more comfortable with the children being from the same background as me / DD . Blush

I now feel bad that they have offered to have DD over and I never have .

I'm also dreading the fact I'll have to her here in return !

AIBU?

OP posts:
chocolateworshipper · 27/05/2017 19:07

I understand why it bothers you, but honestly at that age you'll probably find the little girl goes home saying she prefers your house because you have flowers on your wallpaper / cooler toilet paper / prettier plates / basically anything that you think is insignificant, but will be fascinating to a kid

sizeofalentil · 27/05/2017 19:07

When I was a kid I wanted to move out of our lovely 4 bed house and it to my friend's one-bed council flat, because their flat had stairs on the outside, and they had carpet beetles that we used to play with in her doll's house Confused

Guarantee your daughter's friend will be more impressed by the novelty of her best friend's house than anything else.

Newtothis2017 · 27/05/2017 19:12

Good for you op. People honestly don't care. My dd has gone to houses with their own swimming pools and people who rent tiny apartments. She doesn't care... I do t care. She is happy having fun

fc301 · 27/05/2017 19:13

You say she is 'snobbish' when actually you are exhibiting reverse snobbery. You are worried she will judge your living situation but you are judging theirs!
Give them a chance. Give your daughter the chance to make a friend.
If they do happen to judge you then you will know that they are not good friends to have.
If it bothers you maybe explain your feelings. But dismissing this opportunity is not fair.

Original poster
LittleHouseonTheBuildingSite · 27/05/2017 19:19

fc01 I completely agree with you Sad

I've accepted the play date and DD is now bouncing around the room!

I'm pleased she's happy .

Hopefully I will sleep tonight through the anxiety of having her friend back here !

OP posts:
elevenclips · 27/05/2017 19:19

a) you don't have to reciprocate - this girl wants to have your dd over, it's a treat for both of them

b) i doubt the other parent cares if you have a few weeds in your garden if you did want to reciprocate

c) if you are extremly unhappy about reciprocating, could you take the 2 girls somewhere instead?

stopmoaningpip · 27/05/2017 19:19

When I was growing up I had some friends with maids and cooks and other friends in tiny council flats. My background was somewhere in between. As long as the family (or in some cases the staff...) were friendly I really don't remember it mattering. In fact one of the very wealthy homes was the place I felt most uncomfortable at times because one of the parents used to have a go at my friend in front of me. And I suspect it was helpful to me to be aware of the wide range of homes other children grow up in. I know a child who has only really ever had friends from a similarly privileged background to herself (been to private schools throughout) and I do worry that her experience is quite limited and she might have trouble relating to people from more 'normal' backgrounds in a workplace environment or at university.

Bobbiepin · 27/05/2017 19:20

I remember going round to a friend's house as a child - we weren't awfully well off but they were in a poorer state; tiny council house, no carpets etc. I remember being jealous of how close her family were. Kids don't care about those things. As long as your place has your DD and is vaugely clean and safe who cares?

HectorHedgehog · 27/05/2017 19:21

OP I live in a house which is similar to what you have described the other family to have. Please don't feel intimidated. Bricks and mortar are not important- friendship is.

BrexitSucks · 27/05/2017 19:22

"I'll have to her here in return"

It's nice that Ur conscience was piqued. Many people never invite back & certainly don't feel bad about that!

We have 2 cars & live in a 4 bedr. detached house with country views.
DS's best mate lives in a 2 bed town centre flat with his sister & parents, above the take-away his parents run.

DS goes around there several times a month & his mate often comes here, too. Just coz the homes are very different doesn't mean either one is better or inferior.

TheweewitchRoz · 27/05/2017 19:22

Kids love playing in each others houses - they honestly don't care about the size or what you have as someone else's house is always better than their own.

I'm the other mum in this circumstance & i find it upsetting somewhat. We do have a nice (large) house in a good area but my eldest has never been to his best friends house & whilst I don't know that's the reason for definite, I strongly suspect it is as his friend invites others round who are from the same area whereas when the friend invites my DS round, the mum takes them to the park & McDs & then drops him home. My eldest would love to go to his friends house & feels so disappointed that he hasn't been (& has been told by his friend that his mum is embarrassed that their house is so small). I'd love to speak to the mum to let her know it doesn't matter but wouldn't have a clue how to raise it, so I don't say anything.

Glad you let her go Op & please do invite her friend back - she'll not judge at all & I bet she tells her parents how awesome your house is!

Mrdarcyfanclub · 27/05/2017 19:23

I'm lucky enough to live in a nice house, largely because my husband has been quite successful. Doesn't mean I'm better than anyone. I certainly don't judge anyone by where they live.

I've got friends who live in small flats, nicer houses than mine, housing association places. What's important is who they are, not what they have. This woman may be snobby but if she seems friendly, it may just be that she's a bit reserved. She may well be delighted her dc has made a nice friend. I certainly would be.

FinallyHere · 27/05/2017 19:24

YY to PP saying that it is very good for the children to see how others live, the earlier they are exposed to different ways of living, the more they will take it for granted and not suffer your insecurities. Or maybe find other, different insecurities. All the best.

greengoose · 27/05/2017 19:24

I grew up in a flat above shops. The close and stairs always smelled, it was a bit rough. My mum was ashamed and never let me invite friends over, so I couldn't accept any offers to go anywhere. When I was a teenager they never knew where I was, because they had taught me not to have anyone to the house, so I stayed out. Their shame had transferred to me, but it was them not my house I was embarrassed about. They couldn't check where I was, because they didn't know any of my friends. I really resented my parents, who I thought had a huge dose of reverse snobbery. We were not close again until many years later.
I live in a lovely house now, with a great garden for the kids. Would I care what sort of houses my kids friends come from? Of course not! I only stop them going when I don't feel the parents are great at boundaries, and that's rare. It's the people that matter, not the wallpaper!
My kids invariably love going to other kids houses, and usually when they come home I get 'so and sos mums nice, she sings when she cooks' or 'Sean's dad played football with us' or 'we got pudding'! The thing that got them most excited was making popcorn with food colouring in a glass pot. I've never come close to being that cool!
I've yet to have a comment on housework or decor or council vs privately owned, thank god! Please don't worry, it's so so important for your children to see you are fine in your own skin, and proud of who you all are, that's all they need.

Run4Fun · 27/05/2017 19:25

If they judge you on your home instead of your character, they are not worth bothering with tbh.

TheMightyMing · 27/05/2017 19:25

Coldilox what a lovely post x

wheresthel1ght · 27/05/2017 19:26

I think you are being very silly and you are setting your dd up to feel ashamed of where she comes from.

I highly doubt the parents will care where you live. All they will want is for their dd to have fun with her friend.

Colacolaaddict · 27/05/2017 19:28

Focus on your DD bouncing round the room! That's why I do playdates - they make my children happy.

Even if the child says your house is smaller or something, she'll actually remember that you gave them ice cream for tea or something.

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 27/05/2017 19:29

If this girls parents had been round and sneared at your house then it would have been fair to call them snobbish. You say they have been friendly, they have invited your dd to their house so YABU to assume this for no other reason than that they live in a nice house.

Original poster
LittleHouseonTheBuildingSite · 27/05/2017 19:30

theweewitchroz thank you for a view from the other side - it has made me think ...

as I intended to do the park

OP posts:
Sara107 · 27/05/2017 19:32

Don't worry about it, and don't teach your little girl to be ashamed of where she comes from and who she is. Let her go to her friends house, and let her invite the friend back if she wants to. Don't apologise for not having as much money as someone else, make the child feel welcome and she will have a great time. When I'm feeling demoralised by my filthy ex council house and cringing in the face of the personalised licence plate Range Rover driving parent I just make a bit of effort like baking fairy cakes before the child comes. It only takes about 20 mins to make a batch of buns, you can smell them when you walk in the door, and the girls can decorate them with a bowl of water icing and a few sprinkles.

TheweewitchRoz · 27/05/2017 19:35

Honestly Op, all any parent thinks about (which I'm sure is the same as you), is that the other parents will look after their DC & that they have fun. Nothing more.

eddielizzard · 27/05/2017 19:37

reciprocate! you have absolutely nothing to feel ashamed or embarrassed about. not having much money is no indication of any of the important things in life, like integrity etc etc and anyone worth knowing knows that too.

inthisdayandage · 27/05/2017 19:39

I have been lucky in life and now live in a lovely house. My daughters best friend lives in a council flat. Do we care? No...we judge everyone by how they act and not their bank balance. Anyone who cares more about what you have than what you are like has the problem. So glad you are doing the play date x x

Mu123 · 27/05/2017 19:40

My dd 8 is best friends with a 'rich kid', their house is a mansion, ours a three bed ex council semi. It is what it is. The girls love each other and don't care.

I was embarrassed about this at first, but the parents know what and who I am and my house is no reflection of the person I am.