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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and Concert

44 replies

Dottie39 · 27/05/2017 18:27

DH booked to go to major arena tonight a while ago (not far from Manchester) He asked me after what happened last week how I felt. I was honest and said that I know we have to live and keep going etc, but honestly I am worried while its so fresh and even though I know this is very unreasonable I wish he wasn't going purely because I will worry all night, however whatever he decides is his decision. I 100% know it is unreasonable to not do stuff because of this, and I know its even worse to ask someone else not to. That's not my AIBU.

DH said he could not enjoy himself knowing I would worry, and would not go. Then two hours ago said actually he was going as had expected me to be ok by now. I repeated that whatever he decides is fine and although I will worry its up to him. He says if I 'forbid' him he will not go, otherwise he will. I tell him I will never forbid, I will tell him I am worried but ultimately it is his decision and that's that.

DH gets mad at me and says he will happily not go if I forbid. I refuse to forbid a grown man. If he cares that much about me worrying he will not go, but there is no comeback or issue if this is not the case as I know I am wrong about not going in case of an attack in the first place.

DH has gone, but is mad at me because apparently I have made him go feeling guilty.... I just thought I could express concern but not dictate. So who is unreasonable (and please feel free to reassure me things are more secure now!)

OP posts:
Leanback · 27/05/2017 18:29

I mean saying 'it is all your decision but I would worry all night' is guilting someone.

Original poster
Dottie39 · 27/05/2017 18:30

But its the truth too... And he asked me!

OP posts:
lynmilne65 · 27/05/2017 18:30

It's perfectly obvious that any mum / relatives would worry.

Pinkheart5917 · 27/05/2017 18:31

His an adult, he wants to go. Why would you even say but I'll worry?

Saying to somebody" well it's your decision but you know I worry etc etc" is imo trying to make someone feel guilty. It's an underhand way of making someone not go

So I think you were the unreasonable one

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 27/05/2017 18:31

He had know right to be mad when he put the onus on you to effectively ground him!! He was unprepared to make the decision himself based on your anxiety. .
I would have whole heartedly sent him on his way tho tbh.

Or when would you declare it safe to leave the house?

FrenchMartiniTime · 27/05/2017 18:32

Come on OP. You know fine well by saying "I'll worry but it's your decision" would make him feel guilty.

You won't forbid him but you'll be passive aggressive enough that he'll feel guilty anyway.

MrTumblesbitch · 27/05/2017 18:32

Of course you would worry, but it's like when your child goes on a school trip - you plaster a smile on your face and tell them they will have a brilliant time! It feels like you are manipulating him some how, tell him of course you will worry but he will have a brill time and you will see him when he gets home.

Original poster
Dottie39 · 27/05/2017 18:33

Yep! And I have absolutely no problem normally, in fact I let him know about concert in first place as knew it was something he would enjoy! (This was months ago)

OP posts:
TondelayaDellaVentamiglia · 27/05/2017 18:34

sounds to me like he wants you to FORBID him to go, either as he is really worried about it himself to thinks it'll be cissy to say, or he is angling for a fight.

inthisdayandage · 27/05/2017 18:34

Is it possible he feels worried too but wanted you to forbid him so it's because of you he pulled out and he doesn't look scared to others? I do think we need to get on with life and also think the security will be very tight tonight. I don't think you were wrong to tell him you were anxious though x

ScarlettFreestone · 27/05/2017 18:34

He wanted active permission.

He wanted you to say "I think you should go, I'm being silly it will be fine"

He wanted you to take responsibility for the decision.

Original poster
Dottie39 · 27/05/2017 18:36

Would happily plaster fake smile but he did ask, saying how do I feel about him going in light of what happened. We're adults, I assumed we could be honest.

OP posts:
FrenchMartiniTime · 27/05/2017 18:37

Of course you would worry, but it's like when your child goes on a school trip - you plaster a smile on your face and tell them they will have a brilliant time

Exactly this.

Come off it OP and stop playing dumb. You were trying to manipulate him into not going by making him feel guilty.

KungFuEric · 27/05/2017 18:38

I think you should apologise.m

The reason you're worried is because you have anxiety about something bad happening to the person you love, but nothing bad will happen and he will still be the person you love. Don't waste life being cross with the person you love because you worry about them, just be happy for the moments they are in your lif and share in his great memories of the concert.

If this week taught us anything it's that life can be cut short, don't spend more time than you must on resentments.

Gramgram · 27/05/2017 18:39

Firstly I'm sure all venues are checking everyone attending any event this weekend.

It is OK to worry and to say it, but we need to lead normal lives, it is OK to have fun and enjoy ourselves. Maybe if you are very anxious you could text your DH and ask him to text you when he has left the venue.

Mumsnet will keep you company, try not to worry.

Original poster
Dottie39 · 27/05/2017 18:40

"but nothing bad will happen"
But you don't know that! That's the point. Yeah I admit I am paranoid, but who wouldn't be, honestly?!

OP posts:
Blossomdeary · 27/05/2017 18:40

I think he is scared to go and wanted you to be his get-out. You failed to do that so are in the doghouse.

Crunchymum · 27/05/2017 18:43

Life is too short. Send him a message telling him to have a good night.

KungFuEric · 27/05/2017 18:44

When will you stop thinking something bad will happen?

Will you feel better knowing if something bad did happen that he knows you were angry with him?

We only have one life, and he's out there living his. Send him a text to say you love him and you hope he has an amazing time and belts out his favourite song, can't wait to have a cuddle when he gets home.

Original poster
Dottie39 · 27/05/2017 18:45

I'm not angry at all, said all that stuff...

OP posts:
FrenchMartiniTime · 27/05/2017 18:46

Funnily enough my DP is at a concert tonight too a few hours away.

In the back of my mind I was a bit worried due to recent events but I told him to have a great time and sent him on his way and he left excited and happy.

Security will be extra vigilant and worrying won't change the outcome if anything were to happen.

You need to apologise because now he can't enjoy his gig because of your mind games.

Original poster
Dottie39 · 27/05/2017 18:48

He was mad at me, because I refused to forbid him. Said I should be assertive and he will not go, I said no, its your decision, my all means take my opinion into account but I won't insist and there's no arguments if you go.

OP posts:
TondelayaDellaVentamiglia · 27/05/2017 18:50

there you are then...he is too scared to go and too silly to know his own mind

Original poster
Dottie39 · 27/05/2017 18:51

See I feel like he is playing mind games, asking my opinion and then getting mad at me for it. Then saying i have to forbid him and getting mad when I won't!

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 27/05/2017 18:51

Yep he does not want to go because he is scared, does not want to miss it so wants to make it someone elses decision i.e. yours. removes both responsiblity from himself and gives him someone to blame

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