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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH and Concert

44 replies

Dottie39 · 27/05/2017 18:27

DH booked to go to major arena tonight a while ago (not far from Manchester) He asked me after what happened last week how I felt. I was honest and said that I know we have to live and keep going etc, but honestly I am worried while its so fresh and even though I know this is very unreasonable I wish he wasn't going purely because I will worry all night, however whatever he decides is his decision. I 100% know it is unreasonable to not do stuff because of this, and I know its even worse to ask someone else not to. That's not my AIBU.

DH said he could not enjoy himself knowing I would worry, and would not go. Then two hours ago said actually he was going as had expected me to be ok by now. I repeated that whatever he decides is fine and although I will worry its up to him. He says if I 'forbid' him he will not go, otherwise he will. I tell him I will never forbid, I will tell him I am worried but ultimately it is his decision and that's that.

DH gets mad at me and says he will happily not go if I forbid. I refuse to forbid a grown man. If he cares that much about me worrying he will not go, but there is no comeback or issue if this is not the case as I know I am wrong about not going in case of an attack in the first place.

DH has gone, but is mad at me because apparently I have made him go feeling guilty.... I just thought I could express concern but not dictate. So who is unreasonable (and please feel free to reassure me things are more secure now!)

OP posts:

Bigblug · 27/05/2017 18:52

If I'm honest (and I haven't rtft) I've read that like he wanted you to forbid him. Maybe he's worried himself and it would be easier for him to say to his mates or whoever he's going with 'Sorry lads, you know how the missus worries' so he doesn't have to admit hes worried.
But that's just me.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 27/05/2017 18:54

Yeah, he wanted you to forbid him. DS is at a concert in Manchester today. No conversation at all was had about my worries or any forbidding nonsense. It was 'Bye Mum, see you tomorrow."

Nocabbageinmyeye · 27/05/2017 18:55

Ah I think you were being lousey to be honest, why not just say "have fun" and clock watch when he was gone?

Original poster

Dottie39 · 27/05/2017 18:58

Because honestly I would rather he hadn't gone and was safe and sound at home. Yes it might be wimpy, giving in to them, not the popular decision... But he is safe and with me and that's what I want. I don't want to stand up to them and make a point, I just want my family safe and together - we are rural so its not a daily decision for us regarding terrorist threats.

OP posts:

ElphabaStrop · 27/05/2017 19:00

As the threat level has been downgraded from Critical to Severe, I assume that the Intel services are satisfied that everyone in the cell behind the horrific attack in Manchester is now under arrest. Combined with increased security and "extra" not extra at all Police on duty, that should reassure you somewhat?

It does sound as though your DH wanted you to either forbid him or give him your full blessing. He should be old enough to make his own mind up!

troodiedoo · 27/05/2017 19:00

You are both bu. Him for seeking permission and reassurance and you for guilting.

Emotions are running high, forgive each other and be thankful when he comes home safely.

sunshinesupermum · 27/05/2017 19:01

My DP and DD2 are going to 02 tomorrow night. In no way would they ask me nor would I ask them not to go!

ifcatscouldtalk · 27/05/2017 19:02

He asked you how you felt and you told him how you felt.
I'd of responded similarly, so I guess that makes me passive aggressive and manipulative too. .
As it goes even if I plastered a massive grin on my face and done the " don't be daft, have a great time." My husband can see right through me and knows the things I worry about.
Tbh if he didn't want an honest answer he shouldn't of asked. The decision is obviously all his but why ask you and then get the hump that you didn't respond how he wanted you to respond?!

jelliebelly · 27/05/2017 19:03

I think you're both as bad tbh. You tried to guilt him into not going. He seemed to want you to make the decision for him.

FrenchMartiniTime · 27/05/2017 19:05

You both sound like a pain in the arse.

MarciaBlaine · 27/05/2017 19:06

I missed by minutes a suicide bomber on my route to work. I had to keep going to work though, no option. I know everyone is jumpy at the moment but you have to carry on.

Original poster

Dottie39 · 27/05/2017 19:07

I didn't intend to guilt him. We have been together 20+ years and don't lie! Especially about the big stuff. He asked me, I answered assuming he wanted an honest answer... He annoyance is that I won't suddenly dictate to him (never have!)

OP posts:

PyongyangKipperbang · 27/05/2017 19:08

YWNBU

He askes what you thought and you told him. If he didnt want to know then he shouldnt have asked.

But I agree with others that it sounds like you voicing your concern echoed his own feelings and he was hoping you would tell him not to go. By leaving the decision with him he couldnt "wimp out" (as he may see it) for fear of losing face and he couldnt blame you so he had to go even though he didnt want to.

If anyone should be pissed off with the other, its you with him for him trying to force you make the decision he didnt want to make.

Original poster

Dottie39 · 27/05/2017 19:09

I totally agree about us both being a pain in the arse btw!

OP posts:

Original poster

Dottie39 · 27/05/2017 19:10

Yeah we do have to carry on.... But can we not avoid situations and places that carry more risk??!!

OP posts:

Fadingmemory · 27/05/2017 19:15

I understand your anxiety. However, letting someone else know you will worry is bound to cause guilt. Saying, for example, ' I worry about you,' is not about the other person, it is about you. I do agree that he may not have wanted to go but wanted to have you say so, so that he wasn't the one who seemed afraid. Some mind games on both sides I think.

Notso · 27/05/2017 19:17

DH was at an event in Manchester yesterday, DD is at one today. There was no question of DH not going. I was worried but waved him off with a smile.
Slightly different with DD we were a bit concerned about her going before Monday, DH and I have seen the band in question and there was a bit of a nasty atmosphere in parts of the crowd. After Monday two of the group pulled out meaning DD had a wobble and asked if we thought she should go, we said yes if she wanted to and she should try not to worry. Again she was waved off from the station with a smile although we will be relieved when she is home tomorrow.

HotelEuphoria · 27/05/2017 19:22

It is normal to feel anxious at times like this, I was shopping today in Leeds then saw two heavily armed police in Trinity and suddenly became very aware of the current security risk.

Never see armed police in Leeds on the street on a normal day, Hadn't even given it a thought prior to seeing them, then felt uncomfortable for next hour whilst sat in the extremely busy Apple Store.

ifcatscouldtalk · 27/05/2017 19:26

Dottie I get you. I don't live rurally like yourself. I live within 45 mins of London. I often go into London for days out and love the city. I get the carry on as before attitude and there's more chance of being hit by a bus etc. I however didn't go on the tube for a long time after 7/7 as I felt very on edge. I get that people live and work in London or Manchester and other cities but I didn't so I chose to not do what I was uncomfortable with at the time. If that makes me a wimp or a complete loser than so be it. My husband is the complete opposite to me. He will refuse to change anything he wants to do and good for him. We are all different and you feel however you feel. I saw on another thread relating to recent events one poster telling the op who was clearly extremely anxious to "grow up". I just think that's a bit uncalled for.

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