Ex-H slept with best friend - is this okay?

[ZiggyForever]

Another thread started me thinking, and I wondered what other peoples' opinions would be on something that happened to me a few years ago.

DH and I had already separated due to other issues, and about a year down the line (we were amicable and remained friends, probably helped by the fact I moved away) he phoned me to tell me he'd slept with my best friend the night before. He was single at the time, as was she, so TECHNICALLY they didn't do anything wrong, but it felt like a bit of a betrayal because it was with my closest female girlfriend at the time - in fact, I'd moved out and stayed with her for a few weeks when we first had some problems in the marriage. She knew my side of the story, offered support etc., and I was very grateful to her for being there for me.

I was glad he owned up straight away, and I told him it was okay, I wasn't devastated or anything, but when the friend still hadn't fessed up after a week I messaged her to tell her I knew, whereupon I got an outpouring of remorse. She really regretted it and apologised. Again, I said it was okay, but she should have told me etc.

We're still friends, but it's a bit icky, isn't it? Like I said, they didn't really do anything wrong - they were both single at the time - it just felt weird.

I can't work out if my occasional flash of discomfort and thinking "they really shouldn't have done that" is unreasonable or not . . .

Oh I love 'trifling' in that context!

Reminds me of Destiny's Child.

Meh, if you don't see her that much and you've been split for a year with him I'd also be edging towards no big deal. I'd be curious to know why he told uou and so quickly though. That would be the bit worth thinking about for me. Does he still have a thing for you?

I've never really understood the problem with this.

It's wrong if you're together.

It's wrong if their are still residual feelings.

But no feelings and all over and done with, I don't see the problem.

I can't imagine why anyone would want to do anything with my exh, but I wouldn't feel they'd crossed a line if they had.

My best friend slept with my ex a few weeks after we split. They are still together. Really fucking hurts.

Not long after exHand I separated a close work friend asked if I minded if she went for a drink with him. I was but said no (but probably did mind a bit). Anyway they have been married 30 years and have grandkids now! We stayed friends while I still worked at the same place but didn't after I left.

I can't think of any of my friends' exes that I'd touch with a barge pole, but if there were I can't imagine not asking my friend if she'd have a problem with it. Or, if it were a ONS impulsive type thing, of not telling her right away.

This happened to me twice (different l-t boyfriends and different close friends, ten years apart). Both times it really, really - and slightly irrationally - hurt. I am still close with the second friend, though it's the one time in our 20 year friendship that I felt she was acting against me rather than in support of me. It still hurts when I think of it, apparently!

A year down the line I'd say if you're single you're single.

A year on is too far to own someone.

I still wouldn't do this to a friend, though. I feel bad for you darling

I'd say it changes the friendship dynamics, definitely. I don't know if I'd hold a permanent grudge though.

Pair of cunts.

All the women in the world. He shags your "best mate"
All the men In the world. She shags your ex.
There are certain lows. You just don't go to.
I'd have nothing more to do with her.
She didn't even wait until his bed had gone cold.

No - it's NOT okay.
I really really fancy my friends EX H but no way, never, it's just NOT ok.

Ugh. It's a no-no for me - I'd never sleep with one of my friend's exes. It's just wrong (and ick).

Many years ago I did have a 'friend' that did this to me, who thought it was ok because I had finished the relationship. It wasn't - I wasn't angry or jealous - just ick. I didn't really feel we were friends after that - I had confided in her a fair bit about my relationship with him. Ick.

The problem with this kind of thing is that it's hurtful to the friend/ex. You can 'technically' till the cows come home - it's wrong. They were lucky that you mostly seem to be fine with it, you could have been devastated for all they knew.

Urg I just could not do that. It seems a bit like incest - weird.

Given that she was your best friend and you confided stuff in her - it seems like an utter betrayal.

"Friend" of mine did this a fortnight after I'd split with my ex. She'd been instrumental in talking bf me through my decision to split after 10years and then she stopped speaking to me without warning. They're still together now and both bloody miserable. They're welcome to each other :)

She didn't even wait until his bed had gone cold

I don't really understand this, they have been split up a year. How long does it take for the bed to go cold?

How long does it take for the bed to go cold

366 days

Awwlookatmybabyspider "She didn't even wait until his bed had gone cold."

She waited a year. I should think must've cooled off a bit by then.

Sorry for cross-posts. I wandered off and then failed to refresh the page before posting, so ended up repeating what the posts previous to mine had said.

Well, it's not illegal but seriously? The world is a huge place. Was there really no one else she could have slept with? Personally I'd want to widen the net and not be keen to settle for a supposed mate's sloppy seconds.

The world is a huge place. Was there really no one else she could have slept with? Personally I'd want to widen the net

This. And while I know it's not the end of the world, I would lose all respect for a friend if they did it to me. Which would make a friendship pretty tough.

Hmm DP used to be married to a friend...we got together 2 years after they split (she was also in new ltr and I wasn't his first since split). Although I think she wanted to be ok with it initially, she wasn't, and we're not friends with her now. I deeply wish we'd handled it a lot more sensitively and that she was still part of our lives, but I'm not crippled with remorse over it either. We fell in love and now have two awesome dc. I would have stayed well clear if it was just a shag though -well I really hope I would, but I surprised myself (not in good way) by getting involved in the beginning, so who knows. Love and lust make us behave like different people sometimes.

I think it's outrageous! I would never do this to a friend, and would cut contact with anyone who did it to me.

Absolutely what the poster above said. Outrageous.

The oddest thing for me is that your ex told you about it. What was his agenda?