Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Two AIBUs for the price of one!

26 replies

blankpieceofpaper · 25/05/2017 22:56

Feel free to 'first world problem' and 'get over it' me all you like for this - I am bored and hot with nothing else to do.
Both AIBUs concern same event: next Sunday my group of (female) friends are travelling to Salisbury. It's roughly halfway between us and another friend from the group - A - who has recently moved away to live with her partner, after they managed to buy a house.

AIBU 1: I am on a facebook chat thread with a few of us that are going. The thread is long going, and not related to the event.

Out of the blue, B sends a message:

Hi Paper, it's the trip to S soon! Have you figured out how you're getting there? If you're driving, would we be able to grab a lift?

It's the 'we' bit that gets me - so I message back does she mean her and her partner? No, B sends back "Apologies for not being clearer. It's me and C and D. We can fit in with whatever is best for you."

So at some point they have all had a conversation elsewhere about travel plans, and asked me afterwards? It is almost a given I would drive as it is not somewhere convenient to get to by train where we are meeting.

But I live someway out of the town they all live in - so it would take time to go round and collect them all. Although, in fairness to them, they may offer to meet at a central point/ offer to pay petrol.

I know it seems like a minor thing, but it seems like it is not the first time I have been left out of conversations or discussions have been had elsewhere and then I have been included afterwards as a fait accompli (sp). I will get over myself! There it is, anyway.

AIBU 2 is very short: A's partner has invited himself along on what was supposed to be a girl's only trip. Most of us are single and/ or no other partners will be there. It was stated early on, but probably not repeated enough! Plus I was close to A as we lived together at uni, and it would have been nice to see her on her own. Happy to hear IABU, but wanted to rant all the same!

OP posts:
rollonthesummer · 25/05/2017 23:05

Do you normally drive everyone?

Coastalcommand · 25/05/2017 23:07

Do the others drive and have cars?

Original poster
blankpieceofpaper · 25/05/2017 23:08

The friend who does a lot of the driving (she has reasons for this) is not going this time. Other than that, not noticeably more than anyone else no.

OP posts:
Original poster
blankpieceofpaper · 25/05/2017 23:08

Two of the three included in the message do.

OP posts:
Leavesandburies · 25/05/2017 23:09

I think the driving thing is perfectly normal if you are likely to be driving anyway.

I'd be pretty pissed off at one of us bringing their bloody partner! But would get over it and probably enjoy their company and dynamic in the group in the end anyway.

PlaymobilPirate · 25/05/2017 23:10

'I've not decided whether to drive or not, what's the back-up plan?' would be my answer

I'd also be saying 'thought it was girls only?'

Mistletoekids · 25/05/2017 23:10

YANBU I hate being presented with a fait accompli

hellomoon · 25/05/2017 23:11

Your friend is actually taking her partner to a girls weekend, where no other partners are invited?

YA SO NOT BU.

NewIdeasToday · 25/05/2017 23:14

Personally I'd offer to drive - they are your friends after all.

And say you're happy to give A's partner a lift, asking if he's got something interesting planned while you have your girls' lunch.

UnicornSparkles1 · 25/05/2017 23:18

What Pirate said

Nocabbageinmyeye · 25/05/2017 23:20

The driving thing wouldn't bother me, I think your probably reading too much into how that conversation came about. I would offer to drive and collect at x place at x time convenient to you.

The partner coming would piss me off no end. But couples like that who can't be alone for any length really irritate me, it changes the whole dynamics of the meet up and I would definitely have to say something

AcrossthePond55 · 25/05/2017 23:22

AIBU 1- I wouldn't mind driving but I'd tell them that they'd have to get to my house for the ride.

AIBU 2- This would really piss me off! Has anyone said anything to her?

grumpysquash3 · 25/05/2017 23:32

Why not simply say: "I will be leaving from xxxx place at zzzz time. If you want a lift, please me at xxxx at yyyy o clock and I will be happy to take you". Then they can choose to come with you, or not, as they wish.

grumpysquash3 · 25/05/2017 23:33

Ha ha, X posts with at least 2 pp!

Willow2017 · 25/05/2017 23:34

Why hasnt anyone asked her why her partner is coming on a girls weekend?

I would not be happy, how are you all supposed to act with him around? You should all be asking her if she cannot survive the weekend without a man around!

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 25/05/2017 23:42

Why not send a message saying that you didn't realise it was partners included for this weekend, so you will bow out and meet up at the next thing. You might as well not go if you're going to be a bit irritated for the entire weekend, that's no fun.

Original poster
blankpieceofpaper · 25/05/2017 23:52

Thank you for the replies.

Her saying/ asking her partner is coming happened on an earlier chat thread I did not catch up with afterwards - and no-one seemed to object, but it passed quickly! It is nice to see the general consensus agrees.

I haven't replied to the "we'll fit in" message yet. I am tempted to say come to my house! Yes, they are my friends and that means we all this stuff for each other and I would normally be happy to. It's just something about the "we" - as if they've discussed it already somehow in another conversation.. Only then they asked me if I could drive them all, rather than all of us discussing the options.

OP posts:
kmc1111 · 26/05/2017 00:09

I don't really get the problem with the car? Surely you don't only communicate as one big group, so why wouldn't they have seen each other/had a chat, discussed plans and decided to see if you can drive them?

The partner coming is a bit off if it's specifically a 'women only' thing, but are you sure he's actually going to be joining you all and not just taking the opportunity to do his own thing.

rollonthesummer · 26/05/2017 00:10

This would really piss me off. I'd be tempted to say your car is broken and that you were about to ask one of them for a lift. Just to see what they said!

RhiWrites · 26/05/2017 00:17

Tell them "yes I'm driving, if you can all get to my house for X time then I'll take you, please can you bring £Y each for petrol? I'll be leaving at Z so anyone not there by then can take a train from the nearby station."

It makes it clear there are conditions of passage!

Theresnonamesleft · 26/05/2017 00:21

Can see why your annoyed. The people local to you could have added you to that chat to discuss how you was all traveling to the place.

The partner I would say - just been reading through the messages and catching up. Is that right partner is coming to the girls meet up? Who else is bringing their fella?

MissBax · 26/05/2017 00:28

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I'd ask them are they planning to make their way to yours in order to get a lift and I'd probably make a jokey comment along the lines of 'oh so sounds like you've already decided I'm driving'. I would also blatantly say I thought it was girls only. Why would he want to join you all?!

HicDraconis · 26/05/2017 00:32

The driving thing - actually I think YABU. It was probably something along the lines of B saying to C "how are you getting there" and C saying "I don't know, have you asked Paper or D?", D then being asked and saying "oh I don't know either" so B messages you and asks - and asks for the others at the same time as she knows none of them have made travel plans yet. I doubt it was a closed group of 3 messaging each other and then asking you once they'd decided you were driving although I can see how it may look like that to you.

Definitely if 2 of B, C and D can drive there is no harm in asking them to bring the 3 of them to your house and all leaving from yours, it will save you time not having to go around and pick them all up.

Bringing the partner - yes, I'd be annoyed. I would probably say something on the group chat along the lines of "oh I missed that A's partner was coming - I thought it was girls only? Is anyone else bringing their partner or is A's chap going to go off and do something else while we catch up?" YANBU at all over that one.

PyongyangKipperbang · 26/05/2017 00:59

Its not being asked to drive thats the issue, its the way that they have clearly decided that you should do the driving without discussing it with you or giving you the chance to offer.

For that reason alone I would be pissy and say that you are leaving early to do something on the way and you will see them there.

Sounds like they want to drink so have decided that you are the designated driver.

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 26/05/2017 01:03

That would make me not want to go. They can bloody well get themselves there and as a partner is going on a so called girls trip, I definitely wouldn't go. How daft that your friend can't go away without her DP tagging along.