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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to cry? My life is a joke

30 replies

user1490817986 · 25/05/2017 13:44

I just want to cry, really. I just got rejected from a potential friendship that I thought was meant to be after being friendless for so long. I have ASD and wasn't diagnosed until 17 so really struggled at school with mh issues, fitting in, and 4 overdoses. I became agoraphobic at 13 until 24ish and I've joined groups where i've made friends, but they are all about 30 years older than me.

I have been seeing a mentor for the past few months, we are close in age, she also has mh issues and we get on really well. Mentor takes me places on the bus as I'm always getting lost when travelling alone. I just mentioned to my mentor that it would be nice to stay and touch and be friends after I no longer need mentoring and she basically said she couldn't because of the charity policies.

I'm really really hurt and upset. I just want 1 friend close to my age (27) to go to the cinema with, to do fun things with. It makes me so sad when out and about to see women my age with their babies and husbands, I know that won't happen for me because of my ASD and mental health.

I have my cat, but i can't talk to him about stuff, I can't take him to the cinema or go for ice cream.

I just feel deflated and have cried on the bus on the way home. I just wish life would be a bit kinder to me and stop hurting me and punishing me

OP posts:

Chickpearocker · 25/05/2017 13:50

I have no friends either OP and I don't have autism. It's very lonely, even though I have a husband and child. I'm sure your mentor would have liked to be your friend but then she might have gotten into trouble so had to say no.

TheCatOfAthenry · 25/05/2017 13:55

You poor thing OP. I don't have much help to offer, but here's a picture of my kitties and you can drop me a pm if you ever need to talk/feel like a chat or a rant.

SleightOfHand · 25/05/2017 13:58

Do you have a local cinema club/group?

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 25/05/2017 13:59

OP where are you? There maybe someone in your area who is in the same position. Lonliness sucks, hugs to you.

SleightOfHand · 25/05/2017 13:59

www.meetup.com

Maudlinmaud · 25/05/2017 14:02

Oh op. Try not to take this personally, the mentor most likely has policies to follow. Could she accompany you in a professional role to other groups or activities where you could potentially meet other people? please don't cry.

Chrysanthemum5 · 25/05/2017 14:02

Just wanted to say that you weren't rejected. It sounds as if you had a lovely friendship with the mentor but I mentor people and there are strict regulations about what you can and cannot do. I just wouldn't be allowed to keep on seeing someone after the mentoring officially ended.

Hopefully the mentoring has helped you gain confidence about friends and that you find some great friends soon

MyHairIsMyHair · 25/05/2017 14:11

Hi OP

that sounds really painful as it felt like a rejection but it very much wasn't. Can you focus on the positives that you gained from the relationship? the steps you have taken and the confidence you gained?

Are there any activities in your area (that you can get to by yourself) that you feel you could get involved in? An Autism cafe or Mental Health Mates? Something like that would be a great start to meeting people.

I just walked into my local library to find 30 or so elderly people singing old time music. (Its called goldies and they do it all over the country). I forgot my errands and joined in with them for half an hour. They welcome anyone to come along and sing with the old folk. (Sorry, I know you specifically want to meet friends your own age, but stuff like this can build confidence that you have a lot to offer- which you do!)

I had some mental health problems over the past few years and i understand how it can feel like everyone else is successful (in relationships/has friends etc) but it's a false comparison because from the outside, other people's lives often do look rosy.

You've come a long way OP. I know this feels like a set back as your hopes were raised but you can do it by yourself and you are worth it.

notanurse2017 · 25/05/2017 14:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lanouvelleheloise · 25/05/2017 14:28

Oh, you poor love. It's horrible to feel rejected.

I do wonder whether you are putting rather a lot of emphasis on age here. You say you have friends but they are older than you are. There is nothing wrong with that! I have friends my own age and friends who are 30-40 years older than me - the relationship isn't less close because of the difference in the dates we were born! Sometimes if you are on your own during the day, it's easier to see people who are older because many people in their 20s-40s are working.

jajabonks · 25/05/2017 14:31

Op I work with students and I'm not allowed to be friends with them, I am there for their lessons but wouldn't be allowed to go to lunch with them etc so it really isn't that your mentor doesn't want to be your friend. It must be difficult but it sounds like you have come though so much and hopefully this is just a blip.

FindoGask · 25/05/2017 14:32

Hi there OP. I know it must be difficult but your mentor will have done a lot of training on the importance of clear boundaries in her work. If she continues to work with that charity and stays friends with you it means that you might have expectations of the charity based on your friendship with her, or expectations of her based on her previous role. These boundaries are all the more important for volunteers - as you're not being paid, it can be more difficult to separate your work from your personal life.

myshinynewusername · 25/05/2017 14:37

If you are in North East Lincs, I know somebody in her early thirties who has ASD and is quite isolated. She is very keen to try and build a social life, so if you are in the area I could ask her if she would be interested in meeting up with you?

Draylon · 25/05/2017 14:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FreakinScaryCaaw · 25/05/2017 14:42

My son is 16 and has the same problem. He has terrible social anxiety.

I hope you can find some groups to go to.

What about some volunteering?

sparechange · 25/05/2017 14:53

OP, Pleeeease don't take it personally

I'm a mentor, and we have the same policy. After the initial 6 months mentoring programme is over, we are forbidden from having any contact at all with our mentees
After 6 months, we can reapply for the programme and can potentially be matched with the same person, but it is under the same terms. This is really standard and nothing to do with what she thinks of you.

How about a local interest group? Animals, book clubs, a language, sport, food...

There are loads of groups designed to build friendships which you can be a part of

Flyingprettycretonnecurtains · 25/05/2017 14:53

My son has ASD Too and is in his early 20s. Like you, he didn't need his PA anymore as he can now use public transport, drive and do stuff but apart from a few old school friends he doesn't have anyone his own age and I can see no hope of him meeting anyone.

He doesn't want to join autism groups. He did a bit of work with Barnardos but to be honest he was much higher functioning than the other people there and so didn't make friends.

He has joined the young ramblers and goes on walks with them and that seems successful. He's friends with people of all different ages but mostly older than him but then I'm friends with people ranging from 24 to elderly.

There is a website to do with meetups in local areas. Not dating but getting likeminded people together on an activity.

Your mentor cannot befriend you due to protocols. She did the right thing but I am sorry you are upset.

blankface · 25/05/2017 14:58

I don't think you've understood what a mentor is. You are her client, she is doing a job, as do all support workers and she cannot have a personal friendship relationship with any of her clients.

Her job will have been to support you to do XYZ within the timeframe that she is allocated to spend with you. Of course she's nice, of course she's sympathetic and has empathy with you, it's her job to be like that while she's helping you for however many sessions that is.

I'm sorry no-one explained this to you in the beginning, perhaps it would have helped you to understand that it's not friendship she's offering you, it's a working relationship and her role is to support you to do things that eventually you may be able to do independently.

Waltermittythesequel · 25/05/2017 14:58

Oh, OP, it wasn't a rejection. I'm sure if she'd met you in different circumstances you could have been friends.

Lots of great suggestions here. I hope you find something that works for you.

Whambulance · 25/05/2017 14:58

That must be difficult OP, but it sounds more like something her work insists on than her not wanting to be your friend- especially if you had a good time together when she was mentoring you.

I'm your age, I have no idea if we live close enough to meet up but I like chatting to people online. Please send me a PM of you feel that might help

Trying2bgd · 25/05/2017 15:01

dear OP, sorry for your pain but please listen to the advice given by the other posters. This mentor served a purpose, take the postives from this experience, you CAN get on with someone your age and you will again! Take the time to have a good cry now and then pick yourself up and move forward with the suggestions given.

Screwinthetuna · 25/05/2017 15:04

Being lonely affects so many people, OP. There are thousands of people like you out there, looking for a friend like you.
You've had lots of good suggestions on here. Do you work? If not, how about volunteering somewhere like a charity shop or library. You will make friends and get the confidence you need to meet new people.

I do not have ASD and yet often feel lonely. Nobody's life is perfect, even if it looks like that on the outside.

luckylucky24 · 25/05/2017 15:06

I used to volunteer doing the same thing. When the scheme ended I was not allowed any further contact with the lady I was mentoring.
Please don't take it personally.

spiderlight · 25/05/2017 15:09

I have severe social anxiety. It must have been horrible for you, but how brave you were asking about this in the first place! I couldn't have. Focus on that - you've done it once and you can do it again, to people who aren't bound by rules and regulations on what they can do.

Original poster

user1490817986 · 25/05/2017 15:27

Thank you thecatofathenry that photo cheered me up!

I suppose you are all right about the mentor no contact thing, i'm just a bit gutted. I really like her and would love to have her as a friend.

I have tried meetup but they don't seem to have anything suitable for me, I worry that people won't be understanding of my autism and difficulties so I have to be careful.

I don't work and have never managed to sadly. I would like to volunteer though I think, it's just difficult for me to not get overwhelmed due to sensory issues with bright lighting/noise/too much going on.

I just feel like i've failed every step at life and i'm hanging on by a thread. What the hell will I do when my mum is no longer around?

OP posts:

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