Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is DH being an arse or am I just oversensitive?

29 replies

AnArrowToTheKnee · 25/05/2017 08:10

Apologies in advance, this might be long.

I don't do well in the heat. I've been having trouble sleeping, I'm so tired I can hardly keep my eyes open. DH, however, has not only manages to sleep well at night, he also falls asleep on the sofa in the evening - this has nothing to do with how tired he is, he just finds a comfy spot and will doze off.

On top of that, I had the kids on my own from Friday to Tuesday because he was on a stag do. He actually came back on Monday, but spent all of Tuesday sleeping it off on the sofa. I don't sleep well when I'm the only adult in the house either, so I've been losing sleep since Friday night. I am bloody exhausted.

So DH is working a later shift today - doesn't have to leave the house until 11AM. I asked him to take DS1 to school because I'm so tired, and his response was that he was tired too. I get that he probably didn't sleep well while he was away, but I'm still not sleeping much and I didn't get to spend an entire day asleep to catch up. I'm so shattered I feel like crying, and he's still asleep upstairs. DS2 (6 months) has been going through a clingy stage so I don't even get to rest during the day.

I'm sick of this. I'm sick of his tiredness being more important than mine. He's actually awake, he's just told me he'll do the school run tomorrow, but that doesn't help me today. He doesn't even sound tired,he sounds like he's had a good night's sleep. I'm bloody exhausted and I ache all over and I feel like shit, but he just says "me too" and apparantly that trumps my problems.

AIBU to just want a decent amount of sleep, and for DH to get his arse out of bed so I can catch up?

OP posts:
Msqueen33 · 25/05/2017 08:12

What a selfish arsehole! He's been off having fun whilst you have had the kids and now he's "tired". No I think he should do the school run.

Cocklodger · 25/05/2017 08:13

Go to bed, now. Tell him it's not negotiable and he IS taking the kids like it or not

Gileswithachainsaw · 25/05/2017 08:14

He's being selfish.

It's not a competition.people alot through being a bit tired if it's so bad you need him to take the kids to school he should want to help out his wife if she's feeling a bit shitty which clearly you are of you asked.

Gileswithachainsaw · 25/05/2017 08:14

Slog through

misskatamari · 25/05/2017 08:14

Yanbu, he's being a selfish arse!

Smeaton · 25/05/2017 08:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DeadGood · 25/05/2017 08:17

You need to stop asking and start telling.

This will be an unpopular view, but I believe men can be really selfish when it comes to things like this. Women slog and slog, thinking that eventually it will be "their turn" for a break. Because their husband will have seen all this work, and eventually step up.

It doesn't work that way.

LozzaChops101 · 25/05/2017 08:19

It sounds very much like he is being an arse.

PollyGasson24 · 25/05/2017 08:24

deadgood seems pretty spot on to me.

Original poster
AnArrowToTheKnee · 25/05/2017 08:26

I've tried telling him he needs to do it, but he just complains that he's tired too. I can't physically make him get out of bed. He's generally pretty good with pitching in around the house, it's just this attitude that he's more tired than I am so I have to get up and deal with the kids. He thinks being a SAHM means I get to rest in the day, and to an extent he's right, but it's not the same as actually getting enough sleep.

OP posts:
BlindAssassin1 · 25/05/2017 08:28

What Deadgood said. Dont ask TELL. He needs telling becauase he doesnt give a shit. It should have been autatomatic that after a jolly weekend away he should get off his arse to do his fair share.

Empireoftheclouds · 25/05/2017 08:32

I don't know tbh, when my DH worked shifts he was always exhausted and I never asked him to start his day 2 hours early because I was tired. For me it was part and parcel of being the stay at home parent at the time. DH needed more rest than me, he was going out to drive for a good 10 hours and shift patterns play havoc with your sleep as well.

Mysterycat23 · 25/05/2017 08:39

So he has had an entire weekend to himself away from his DC and his home.

When is your weekend to yourself coming up OP? (Take the 6mo if needed)

DianneDionne · 25/05/2017 08:40

I agree that in this instance he's being selfish - tired because of a stag do is a choice rather than being tired because of work/life. He shouldn't expect too many allowances to be made in this instance.

But, if he works and you are a SAHM then I'd agree that his tiredness trumps yours, of course the lack of sleep is getting to you but there will be times during that day that you can zone out, if he's at work he can't do that plus driving when tired is dangerous. Not ideal I know, I've been there.

Are there ways you can make your day a bit easier? Chores you can leave for today rather than trying to get everything done? I'm not minimising the work you do, being a SAHM mum is exhausting - but you're not really accountable to anyone if things are left in the same way your DH would be if he left things at work.

DianneDionne · 25/05/2017 08:41

Oh and yes, I should have added - weekends are fair game, he's had his and now you need yours. My post was referring to Monday - Friday if that's when he works.

caffeinestream · 25/05/2017 08:46

Well, I sympathise with the heat (I didn't sleep well last night either) but it's not his fault you don't sleep well when he's away - I don't think it's fair to blame him for that.

However, he's being a dick not to do the school run. I recommend getting back in bed and refusing to move, or going out and leaving him with the children so he doesn't have a choice. Lazy git. He's awake, doesn't have work for two hours and his wife is exhausted but he still cba to take his own children to school Angry

KungFuEric · 25/05/2017 08:50

Start doing practical things to help yourself. Go to the shop today and buy two fans for the bedroom, the sound can be soothing white noise and you'll be comfortable.

nannybeach · 25/05/2017 08:59

Seems to be a bloke thing, am always amazed by friends who had DH who got up and did night feeds. I had 4 kids, couldnt afford to be a SAHM, worked nights, so put kids to bed, was there when they got up, always did school events, was there if they were ill. hen youngest DD was baby I worked Friday night, DH worked Sats, I had a nap when she did, his brother used to come round with his 3 under 4, and dump them on me, (never asked) I went back to work Sat night, looking back I must have been mad, why didnt I put my foot down. I didnt go to bed in the day till she went to school at 5.My DH gets up at 5, 90 minute drive to work, mostly asleep when his head hits the pillow, has 8 hours sleep he never seemed to feel that my sleep was as important as his. He is a very heavy sleeper, slept thru the "great storm", my kids say if you drop a pin on a blade of grass I am awake. I always found it very difficult to sleep after a night shift sometimes I couldnt sleep at all, sometimes 1 hour. How can being a SAHM be more exhausting than doing all the usual housework, washing,cooking,cleaning,ironing,gardening, AND doing a 12.5 night shift 3 nights a week.

HildaOg · 25/05/2017 09:10

He's a selfish bastard. What are the benefits of being with him?

Original poster
AnArrowToTheKnee · 25/05/2017 09:14

He doesn't drive, so wouldn't be driving when tired. I could leave the housework, but he'll only throw it at me as evidence that I can't be that tired because I haven't done anything.

My weekend away won't be for months - money's tight because of the stag do and wedding - which I'm not even going to because we didn't know how well DS2 would be sleeping. We agreed it wouldn't be fair to leave a non-sleeping baby with the ILs and taking them would mean I'd spend the evening sitting in a hotel room in a foreign country with two kids while he was at the reception.

Just got back from the school run and he's still in bed. I feel like kicking him. I know it's not his fault I don't sleep well when he's away, and it's not even his fault I struggle with the heat, but he's been in bed for 10 fucking hours now, his alarm just went off and the baby's awake and he's still lying there.

OP posts:
Atlanticblue76 · 25/05/2017 09:18

'His tiredness trumps yours'
Seriously??? I am staggered by the amount of posters on here who seem to have this simpering view!! As a SAHM you still need to function, drive and be alert enough to look after your children. How would you feel if a nursery worker or child minder had this attitude because looking after children is such a doddle!
As the one who goes out to work, you get the hands to switch off even if it's just for 1/2 an hour at lunch break which as a sahm you really don't. You can't just switch your brain off because the child is napping, because a) there's generally always something to be done and b) your brain might not switch straight into sleep mode to 'sleep when the baby sleeps'.
If the one who goes out to work is on 10 hour shifts as a driver there will be breaks in that time, on a 10 hour child shift, you'll be lucky to get that!
When both parents are there whether that's night or day, both should take turns!!

TheDowagerCuntess · 25/05/2017 09:20

Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

He's tired because he's been galavanting with his mates and he's hungover. You're tire because you've been carrying the entire load and you're exhausted.

How is this even up for debate? Confused

TheDowagerCuntess · 25/05/2017 09:21

Sorry - posted too soon.

I bet if you were back from a boozy weekend and he'd been looking after the DC single handedly, his tiredness would still 100% trump yours.

What an arsehole.

Orangetoffee · 25/05/2017 09:26

His tiredness trumps yours, wtaf!

OP has been working 24/7 for the 5 days he was away having fun, taking his child to school is the least he can do.

Empireoftheclouds · 25/05/2017 09:30

I'm not saying his tiredness trumps anything.

As for this gem If the one who goes out to work is on 10 hour shifts as a driver there will be breaks in that time, on a 10 hour child shift, you'll be lucky to get that!. I'm not sure you fully comprehend just how dangerous driving when tired can be. It KILLS. Now it's unlikely that without a break in my day as a sahp I would be a danger to myself and others, but a short break (legally less than an hour) to grab some lunch and a pee, gives about half an hour to sit down. Sitting down does nothing to help with tiredness.