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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be pissed off at just being dropped last minute?

69 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 24/05/2017 20:51

I have a friend who I've known since school, so 16/17 years and three years ago we both had a child within a few months of each other. Prior to the children coming along I didn't see her too frequently but as we then had young infants at the same time we naturally saw each other more and this has continued to the point we probably see each other maybe once a week. Our children (both 3) get along really well and we get them together whenever we can really.

Last week when we met up we agreed that the following Thursday (tomorrow) we'd take them to a local animal sanctuary which is supposed to be really fun for young children and my DS has been really looking forward to it.

Anyway, I text her tonight to ask what time did she want to set off tomorrow and she basically said she's made other plans to go to the beach now but she's free Friday if I still want to go to the Sanctuary.

I felt really pissed off, not only because I've just been dropped but because she also didn't even bother to let me know.

My son was so excited about seeing his friend and going on the day out.

She does have form for being a bit flaky at times but she's never been this rude before and I feel quite upset about it. I always thought if you made plans with someone then you stick to them, not just change your mind if a better offer comes along and then not even bother to tell them. It wasn't as though she even extended the invite to ask if me and DS wanted to go to the beach too.

It's coming up an hour since she answered my text but I still haven't replied because I just don't know what to say. I don't want her to think that what she's done is ok but nor do I want to cause a rift.

My DH thinks I'm overreacting but I feel so let down, angry and pissed off!

OP posts:

Original poster

Writerwannabe83 · 25/05/2017 08:25

I just haven't replied. I start to write out a reply and then I just stop. I feel like just ignoring it and seeing if she actually makes contact again.

I had something happen last week where a friend took me for a bit of a doormat too - maybe I'm just too nice so people think they can just get away with being rude or take advantage.

I will just focus my energy today on finding nice things to do with DS and leave my friend to her own devices.

OP posts:

rightwhine · 25/05/2017 08:30

I'd reply. "It's a pity you didn't let me know earlier then I could have made alternative arrangements. Now ds is disappointed. Can't do friday."

Framboise18 · 25/05/2017 08:35

To be honest I think you should sort of confront her and tell her how you feel. Only because if you want to keep a relationship with the person it's best to get it out in the clear. End of the day if you can't tell her how it is and have to tip toe on eggshells then what's the point of being friends and letting these feelings fester inside. I don't mean in a horrible way just say something like you should have mentioned you were not going to be able to come so I could have made different arrangements it's n out a nice thing to do.

Iamastonished · 25/05/2017 08:44

I think letting her know that your son is disappointed is a good move. Hopefully guilt tripping her will make her realise that she is wrong.

Don't forget that next week is half term so everywhere is going to be rammed.

emmyrose2000 · 25/05/2017 08:45

I would still go to the animal place today with DS. Hopefully he'll be too busy having a good time to miss his friend.

I wouldn't make plans with "friend" for Friday. That's just rewarding her rudeness and bad manners.

emmyrose2000 · 25/05/2017 08:46

I'd reply. "It's a pity you didn't let me know earlier then I could have made alternative arrangements. Now ds is disappointed. Can't do friday."

This is good. I'd send this.

Coastalcommand · 25/05/2017 08:49

Why don't you just go on Friday?
I don't understand what the big issue is. I wouldn't send those suggested texts to her if you want to see her again. Maybe she didn't think it was a firm arrangement.

diddl · 25/05/2017 08:51

It's bad enough that she lets you down-but awful that she doesn't also think about your son.

I'd leave her alone for the foreseeable future tbh.

I doubt that she'll care or notice!

FeckTheMagicDragon · 25/05/2017 08:52

I'd just not answer. She's cancelled plans, so there really is no need. Just go have a lovely day with your family.

cjt110 · 25/05/2017 08:54

Just to put another spin on this if I may, does she suffer from any anxieties etc? I say this because I will make plans with friends and our children to do/go somewhere and come last minute I make an excuse not to go... purely because my anxiety gets to me.

Not saying it doesnt give you the right to be pissed off (I would be pissed off at me for doing this and as such have stopped organising things with fiends because I feel I let them down) but just another angle on it...

expatinscotland · 25/05/2017 08:55

I'd not reply right now, but with people like this, you either confront them or you start cutting them loose or they keep behaving this way. I can't abide flakey people like this. She didn't even bother to tell you she'd blown you off! I'm sorry, but that's really shitty behaviour. Appalling. I'd actually just not contact her again. If she texts about Friday, then I'd ping back, 'I'm really disappointed you made other plans and didn't even bother to tell me until I got in touch to finalise where we were meeting today. I find this type of flakiness and expectation that people are just there to suit your schedule really hurtful and rude, so needless to say I'm not available on Friday. I prefer to make plans with people who honour them and not blow off their friends if something better comes along and then don't even bother to tell them. Best to you.x'

What was she planning to do, just stand you up? If you hadn't got in touch with her, she'd have just left you hanging and wasting your time and your son's, too. That's awful.

expatinscotland · 25/05/2017 08:59

I suffer from anxiety, too. It makes it hard for me to make plans, but once I do I stick to them because hey, it's not fair on the other person. If you're the type who cancels like this, then just don't make plans at all, the other party could be just as anxious and it's really not on to do this to someone else.

As it is, she's off to the beach today.

Liiinoo · 25/05/2017 09:03

I wouldn't make a big deal of it - if the children are friends you probably don't want to fall out over it but I think a text along the lines that Goodday recommended would be completely appropriate. I wouldn't make myself available to her Friday either. You and DS do something fun together instead - looking at the weather maybe something paddling pool related. Don't worry about it being 'just' you and him with no little friend around. At his age his mum is his favourite person in the whole world and your company will be more than enough.

cjt110 · 25/05/2017 09:03

expatinscotland See my post - as such have stopped organising things with fiends because I feel I let them down

Plus... Who knows if she is going to the beach. Many times I've made up an excuse, forgotten family meal etc

paxillin · 25/05/2017 09:07

Share with your DS, too. I have a friend like this and I tell DS "well, you know what Nat is like, we will believe they're coming when they have arrived. We are going to the zoo and Nat might join us". It makes the frequent disappointments into more of a joke and we still do what we meant to, just at times without them.

Original poster

Writerwannabe83 · 25/05/2017 09:19

She definitely doesn't suffer with anxiety.

I have replied and just said that I was disappointed she hadn't let me know earlier as DS had been really excited about going and so had I been. I told her Friday wasn't convenient and we are going to go next week with DH instead. I then just ended it by telling her to have fun at the beach.

I still can't believe she didn't ask if we wanted to go with her - it was like salt in the wound.

A few months ago she pulled out of attending DS's birthday party last minute too, I think she text me the night before. That really pissed me off too and I don't think I responded for well over a week.

I'm just going to leave it alone now - she knows I'm upset so I won't drag it out. I will back off though as this has made me reassess how much value she actually puts on our friendship I guess. If it was a one-off I would probably have let it go but it's a frequent occurrence and the rudeness of this time has really taken me aback. I would never behave like she has.

I doubt very much I will hear from her for a while.....

OP posts:

purplecollar · 25/05/2017 09:20

I think somebody who does that just doesn't really give too hoots about you. So in future, I wouldn't put dates in my diary with her.

3 year olds make new friends very quickly IME.

Floggingmolly · 25/05/2017 09:27

Stop "laughing at and joking about" her flakiness, for a start. It's not an endearing quality, it's just rude. By making it into a lovable quirk you're actually telling her it's fine to be like this.
It's not, so tell her.

rightwhine · 25/05/2017 09:39

Yep put the ball in her court and see what she does with it. You'll soon know if she values your friendship or not.

expatinscotland · 25/05/2017 09:43

Next time she suggests getting together, just be unavailable. I wouldn't bother meeting up with her 1-1. Group things, they'll still go on even if she bails out, but she's unreliable.

AtHomeDadGlos · 25/05/2017 09:49

It does sound like she might have some sort of issue - as in nervousness or mild agoraphobia. A friend of mine had (probably still has as it doesn't really leave you does it?) this. You'd have never known - he was very sociable, working in an area with public appearances etc - but cancelled coming to my wedding two days before, citing a big and unexpected work commitment. I was pretty pissed off (but didn't say anything to him). A few years later he told me the real reason. He was anxious about new situations and meeting new people and broke out in cold sweats/increased heart rate etc. Sometimes it hit him, sometimes it didn't. Sometime his coping mechanisms worked, sometimes they didn't. These last minute cancellations/putting on a show of being 'flakey' etc could well be masking the reality.

Just be understanding. Some friends are worth it.

expatinscotland · 25/05/2017 09:54

Then she needs to stop making plans. What about other people's anxiety?

emmyrose2000 · 25/05/2017 09:55

Are you mainly keeping this friendship going for the sake of your DS? If it wasn't for the children would you really be in touch with this person much?

If so, I can assure you that whilst it may seem like a big deal now, in the long run it's not going to matter if your DS never sees this child again.

My DC had BFFs at around that age. Due to moving house, or moving up to different schools, those friendships fell away. With one friend in particular I felt guilty that things were changing, but within a very short time, DC had moved on and over a decade later they have no recollection of those children. So my point is, if you're only hanging onto the relationship for your DS' sake, feel free to cut ties from the rude and selfish mother and move on.

KC225 · 25/05/2017 09:56

It is annoying when trying to pin down this type. It's a case of phasing her out being less inclined to make plans she can drop out. Say, we are going to the park tomorrow afternoon. Do not tell your son. If they are there, they are if not you still went ahead with your plans. Your son is not disappointed.

emmyrose2000 · 25/05/2017 09:58

Why does everything have to be explained away as a MH issue these days? Some people are just plain rude and selfish individuals. End of story.

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