Refusing to release new baby details to certain people

[IrrationalRage]

Okay IABU because it's probably not possible and also unfair to ask certain people to refuse to release name/sex/DOB/photo of the baby when it arrives later this year. But also my inner irrational self is saying "WTF why not? Why can't you just say "no we've been asked not to disclose that because you were acting like a total shitbag"?"

Back story, I'll try not to drip feed I know you guys hate that shit -

Didn't tell my dad I'm pregnant because he's a twat. Knew he'd find out eventually anyway but NBD. From what I've heard he kicked off a bit but didn't approach so all fine.

Took a long time deciding to tell his side of the family who live in a different country. Ultimately decided to tell his mother. She chose not to acknowledge it for whatever reason but I wasn't completely surprised bc she's been a bitch to me since I was young and even worse to siblings and I when parents separated after dad's affair.

Recently received a lovely abusive message from 40+ year old cousin who also happens to be grandmother's golden child berating me for the way we chose to announce our pregnancy (which was like 8 weeks ago) and also accuse me of only telling grandmother bc I wanted money ironic bc whenever she sends an abusive message (of which there have been many over the past 10 years) she always brings up money and inheritance even though she's the only leech in the family. IMO she's worried we're taking what she sees as rightfully hers idk. If grandmother chooses to send us money then that's her choice but as someone in their late 20s I don't expect it but there you go. IMO the way we chose to announce our pregnant was lovely AND ALSO OUR DECISION BECAUSE ITS OUR FRIGGIN BABY. Ahem.

In the divorce we got to "keep" my dad's cousins who have been the loveliest people ever. Particularly during the affair/separation period. In fact they're the only ones on dad's shitty side of the family that didn't shun us. I tell you what, it fucking sucks being a kid when your dad fucks up everything and his family decides to stop talking to you. IMO they behaved despicably. Aaaaanyway I digress, said cousins have wholeheartedly agreed not to disclose any information to that side and fully support my decision and reasons why. They don't speak to them much now anyway so it's not such a difficult situation for them.

We also have some sporadic, neutral contact with dad's sibling who lives in the same country as us. This is where the "leak" will likely come from.

Given the treatment I have received over the years I genuinely feel justified in denying that side of the family the opportunity to share in what is the most exciting time of our lives. I will not subject myself or my innocent newborn baby to tirades of abuse from cousin fuckup and from past experience I do not believe the baby will spared the abuse just bc it's an innocent. Maybe it's hormones and like 10 years of pent up rage but why should they get to worm their way in and share in something so wonderful? So I asked dad's sibling to not disclose the info. I assured that I was aware of the difficult situation this would pose which they agreed would be difficult and they were pretty bland in their response anyway. It sounds so stupid, I know, but it would feel like a great betrayal if they were to learn the sex/name/DOB soon after the birth. I feel an irrational rage about it. I know it sounds completely ridiculous. And god help anyone who sends photos that's for sure. So they said it'd be difficult but didn't explicitly agree as such but said they still wanted a relationship with the baby (because I offered an alternative of NC with me and baby - I know this sounds drastic but I don't feel willing to compromise and I don't know of alternatives!) I partially blame hormones but in my head I'm going "but whyyyyyyyyy can't you just do as I ask" in the whingiest voice ever.

Rant over I thought I'd feel better but I just feel more ragey. Feel free to bring me down a notch or 10 and tell me I'm ridiculous and childish and stupid and maybe I'll get some perspective but right now I just can't shake it and the anger keeps me up at night. Not good for me or my baby

WellThatSucks that must be awful. A very wise stance on your part, don't tell me what I am not meant to sat anything about. And it does mean if there is a leak you and they know it is not from you.

say not sat

I refuse to have any contact with my biological father, my brother has limited contact which is his choice. I have 2DDs and I am soon going to be married. My biological father knows none of this as I have asked my brother not to tell him. So I would say yanbu at all

Why not bypass your cousin and tell the rest of the family you wont be giving any details of your baby so dont bother asking you or your cousin then block your phone. No more abusive txts.

Talking about a birthday party they've been at, when they last saw their cousins, which school their at - that sort of thing.

The shared relative meted out equally shitty treatment to both our branch of the family and the one which has gone NC - we've just chosen to handle it differently for various reasons.

I'm not saying you are wrong OP but it might not be as easy as you think to maintain a blackout.

Agree with every word Wellthatsucks - constantly being accused of being the leak is infuriating when it isn't true and when it implicates children are gossips it becomes just ridiculous.

implies

I totally understand your feelings. I had a very similar family dynamic and background

My kid are teens. But half the family still don't know I am married or a parent. I don't want their special brand of toxic in my kids life thanks!

By the way, you sound great. Really down to earth, self aware and funny.

I would just tell everyone at the same time (a week or two after the birth) but keep it short and factual. Then not respond to any abuse, blocking numbers if anyone is abusive

Or just tell people if they ask. And expect others to do the same if they are asked.

That way it's not a big secret and nobody is under pressure to keep anything quiet. Which could be difficult.

Squishedstrawberry but the OP doesn't want some people to know. So she needs to know that those she tells can keep it private, so in that sense it is a secret, but the word secret is quite negatively loaded. The word private is actually more realistic in this situation, it is private.

I think that's quite a lot of pressure to put on people. Enforcing a secret/your privacy.

@Squishedstrawberry4 I guess IMO it isn't because I can't see me/us being a frequent conversation topic. So relative could surely just say "sorry we've been asked not to share those details" and then that would be that... I would find it odd that grandmother and anyone else didn't care to acknowledge the pregnancy except in a negative way, then pressured the relative into giving away the details. They'd probably not be interested then not ask again. Dad's sibling wouldn't be invited to baby's birthdays and such. We might see each other in passing but then can't imagine them reporting that back to their mother either.

I think I'd also find it ... questionable ... that grandmother decides not to acknowledge baby, but then goes fishing for details about the baby (name, sex etc). Not that I'm saying she will but this would pose a scenario where aunt will have to decline sharing information. But IMO grandmother can't have it both ways - she can't refuse to acknowledge the baby then want to know all the details. But this is just my thought process, I accept differing opinions.