Refusing to release new baby details to certain people

[IrrationalRage]

Okay IABU because it's probably not possible and also unfair to ask certain people to refuse to release name/sex/DOB/photo of the baby when it arrives later this year. But also my inner irrational self is saying "WTF why not? Why can't you just say "no we've been asked not to disclose that because you were acting like a total shitbag"?"

Back story, I'll try not to drip feed I know you guys hate that shit -

Didn't tell my dad I'm pregnant because he's a twat. Knew he'd find out eventually anyway but NBD. From what I've heard he kicked off a bit but didn't approach so all fine.

Took a long time deciding to tell his side of the family who live in a different country. Ultimately decided to tell his mother. She chose not to acknowledge it for whatever reason but I wasn't completely surprised bc she's been a bitch to me since I was young and even worse to siblings and I when parents separated after dad's affair.

Recently received a lovely abusive message from 40+ year old cousin who also happens to be grandmother's golden child berating me for the way we chose to announce our pregnancy (which was like 8 weeks ago) and also accuse me of only telling grandmother bc I wanted money ironic bc whenever she sends an abusive message (of which there have been many over the past 10 years) she always brings up money and inheritance even though she's the only leech in the family. IMO she's worried we're taking what she sees as rightfully hers idk. If grandmother chooses to send us money then that's her choice but as someone in their late 20s I don't expect it but there you go. IMO the way we chose to announce our pregnant was lovely AND ALSO OUR DECISION BECAUSE ITS OUR FRIGGIN BABY. Ahem.

In the divorce we got to "keep" my dad's cousins who have been the loveliest people ever. Particularly during the affair/separation period. In fact they're the only ones on dad's shitty side of the family that didn't shun us. I tell you what, it fucking sucks being a kid when your dad fucks up everything and his family decides to stop talking to you. IMO they behaved despicably. Aaaaanyway I digress, said cousins have wholeheartedly agreed not to disclose any information to that side and fully support my decision and reasons why. They don't speak to them much now anyway so it's not such a difficult situation for them.

We also have some sporadic, neutral contact with dad's sibling who lives in the same country as us. This is where the "leak" will likely come from.

Given the treatment I have received over the years I genuinely feel justified in denying that side of the family the opportunity to share in what is the most exciting time of our lives. I will not subject myself or my innocent newborn baby to tirades of abuse from cousin fuckup and from past experience I do not believe the baby will spared the abuse just bc it's an innocent. Maybe it's hormones and like 10 years of pent up rage but why should they get to worm their way in and share in something so wonderful? So I asked dad's sibling to not disclose the info. I assured that I was aware of the difficult situation this would pose which they agreed would be difficult and they were pretty bland in their response anyway. It sounds so stupid, I know, but it would feel like a great betrayal if they were to learn the sex/name/DOB soon after the birth. I feel an irrational rage about it. I know it sounds completely ridiculous. And god help anyone who sends photos that's for sure. So they said it'd be difficult but didn't explicitly agree as such but said they still wanted a relationship with the baby (because I offered an alternative of NC with me and baby - I know this sounds drastic but I don't feel willing to compromise and I don't know of alternatives!) I partially blame hormones but in my head I'm going "but whyyyyyyyyy can't you just do as I ask" in the whingiest voice ever.

Rant over I thought I'd feel better but I just feel more ragey. Feel free to bring me down a notch or 10 and tell me I'm ridiculous and childish and stupid and maybe I'll get some perspective but right now I just can't shake it and the anger keeps me up at night. Not good for me or my baby

I have an aunt who is a unhinged.

I was fine about her finding out stuff about my life, but I felt really protective of my kids. But I can't stop another family member from telling her, and I knew that my Granny woudl tell her cousins, one of whom was in close contact with her.

In the end I realised the only way to deal with it for my sanity was to chose not to contact her directly myself. I resigned myself to the fatc that she would probably hear about my kids and even see photos via other relatives. That is OK. She is only getting secondhand information, via other people.

Once my granny died, I am pretty sure her source of information was cut off, and she hasn't had any recent updates.

I think you need to let it go a bit. Don't have direct contact, don't post stuff you care about on social media so it is harder to pass on. If she gets some information via the cousin, well, there isn't much she can do with it if you won't have contact with her.

My mum has dealt with my aunt by ignoring her, and my dad filters all emails and messages. At one point when she got nasty, my dh, who is calm and objective, was the one to take up contact for a while to pass on what she needed to know (she has some valid resaons for being in contact).

OP you are quite within your rights to do this and to want to protect your precious baby from their negative Karma. Delay telling overseas sibling, who will probably be vague about due date, anyway. If you decide to send a photo do so by mail and not electronically -- that way he has to make a conscious decision to take it to show them or to scan it to send by email etc.
Tell friends and family you don't want pics of baby on FB at all, plus no info. This is the easiest way for info to leak.
Send digital pics directly to those you trust or get pics printed -- seems a shame so few people get and share real photos nowadays that can be kept and cherished.
Above all, don't stress over the issue. Your emotions are heightened at the moment which doesn't mean they are unreasonable, but you are feeling more vulnerable and need to protect your baby.
Having made arrangements to limit the info leaking then relax and enjoy this time and the birth of baby. Good luck

Just to say as well that as our son is adopted we never put photos or even his name on social media. It doesn't detract from him at all.

I decided not to tell my father and my aunt I was pregnant.
The reason for my aunt was simply that it's also thank to her that I feel much better over thousand miles away from my family as any closer contact and I think I'd completely suffocate under her constant attention. As I didn't want to get constant emails and calls and letters and postcards for the period of 9 months asking me how I'm feeling, am I OK, why don't I move back etc. etc. I was quiet and enjoyed a calm pregnancy with only my immediate family knowing. I didn't tell my father because I knew he'd tell my aunt straight away, even if I asked him not to.
I completely get you. It's your baby and your choice to decide on where, how and what to tell them. Don't dwell on it. Simply don't tell them anything and that's it.

Did you have a nice weekend?
Um I can't tell you (as we were with a child I mustn't tell you exists)
Who's the birthday card for? Can't tell you.
Who is phoning you? Can't tell you.
For the next 20 years?
I agree it would work to ask people not to share the birth announcement but to keep a child secret forever. Never to mention that child? Seems unrealistic and to me. Unless there are serious concerns for the safety of that child.

YANBU. I was betrayed by a relative and my MIL and I'll never forgive either. They told the woman who gave birth to me all about my kids etc and it hurts so much. Mother to mother was the shitty excuse. Well fuck you as I'm the mother of your grandchildren and if you do anything again you won't see them.

Do what is best for you and your baby and fuck everyone else.

You seem to have got yourself into a bit of an awful halfway state where you are semi nc but not actually nc. For example, not telling your dad but then hearing about his reaction. No contact should mean that they are basically dead to you (sorry if that sounds harsh). You should not indulge in conversations about them and how they've reacted and what they're thinking etc. Keep in touch with the nice family, refuse to discuss the others (you can do this very politely, but do it firmly and repeatedly) and they are then out of your life. Regarding the abusive messages, you need to 100% stonewall ignore - and block - and repeat - and don't discuss this with other family members even for them to to tell you 'Oh just ignore her' as that is feeding it. You need to be a lot stronger about this no contact because at the moment you are actually having extra drama with the reduced contact. You need to get very hard, cold and have strong boundaries. It's better that way.

Would it make you feel better to take control of who knows what by sending out the details yourself?

An email saying baby x arrived x weighing x, mum and baby doing fine.

Get your DP to filter any replies and only show you pleasant ones?

Having a baby and becoming a parent has likely dragged up how you felt being treated like a sack of shit by your own parent.

The best thing you can do is go on and live a happy life with people who actually have your best interests at heart.

I really get what you are going through. I had something similar, when I was bombarded with shit no matter what I did I tried to cling onto whatever control I had. We all have our own ways of dealing with things, and if I need to control the details of your happy news it makes sense to me. enjoy your time, I hope that you can find closure on the family upset!

Wolfiefan

Not sure I need to convince you why I think the OP is well within her rights to expect respect from relatives not to talk about her child.

But just for the sake of argument. Just because you had a nice weekend doesn't mean you have to tell someone, who is no contact with your friend, all about it.

It appears (sorry if I have this wrong idea, OP) that cousins and OP's dad are all in a different country to her. So unlikely that anyone will be having a nice time together, but if they did still not necessary to mention the child.

"Who's the birthday card for?" Why would distant relatives be in the vicinity of you buying a card, or see or listen in to who is phoning you.

I think your understand of "to keep a child secret forever." Suggests that somehow this news should get out, but I feel it can perfectly remain not an issue. If the father does find out OP is pregnant, he may find it out there is a child. But he doesn't need to know about the child, grandparents don't have a right to know.

"Never to mention that child?" No, not never to mention the child, never to mention the child to the person who OP has said not to mention it to.

As times goes on I expect the OP will feel less worried about this, and it may not be an issue at all in the long run. But for now, this is what she wants, and so she gets it. Because anyone who cannot respect her wishes, does not have her best interests at heart.

If her and her dad had had a minor fall out, recently, I could understand friends trying to talk her round, but this is not the case. It is all happening in a different country and the OP just doesn't want her dad to know about her baby. Anyway, that's my view Wolfiefan, we can agree to differ.

And congratulations on your baby too.

The difference between the other posters who have NC with various family, and are ok with them finding out about their lives because it doesn't affect them, and the OP is that the OP is likely to get abusive messages from this mad person. And those abusive messages are likely to upset her immeasurably, and feel like they could sully what should be a lovely, happy time - so I can entirely see why she doesn't want that particular family member finding out.

So - the dilemma - do you tell your father's sibling? Answer for me would be "when you're ready to". And if they quibble and say "you should have told me sooner" just say that you weren't ready to receive abusive messages from the other relative once they found out about it.

Op congrats on your pregnancy.

You are starting your own little family now so it's a new chapter.

Block and have no contact with relatives you don't like. Cut them off all your social media and from your life.

Have contact with those you like and share news and photos but leave it there. If they share they share so what! The nasty ones can't harm or hurt you or your baby unless you let them in.

likely to get abusibe messages

How? Block phone and social media and if it's by letter take to the police and they will deal with it.

Just to clarify, grandmother and cousin are in one country. Dad is sometimes here sometimes in a completely different country to GM/C. Dad's sibling is in the same country as me. Actually the same town, but contact is limited to dropping birthday cards in on birthdays really. There wouldn't be much physical contact at all but I think they have regular phone calls. Cousin mentioned in her message that I should never have told grandmother so I'm hoping that (as well as GM not acknowledging pregnancy) she won't even ask come the end of the year. But I don't know, I still think dad's sibling could just say "she's asked us not to pass on the details". It's hardly going to come as a surprise to GM. They don't NEED to know but hey that's just my irrational thinking.

Rage ah, I see, so multiple countries.

Your dad's sibling sounds dodgy, if they just give cards fine. Maybe give them baby's middle name and a fake date! Yeah I know it sounds petty to some but I like that sort of thing. People make it hard for you to tell the truth I don't want you to know. then they make it hard for you to lie! Do as you please.

@ThumbWitchesAbroad thanks, I never considered delaying telling them like you and PP suggested and that's a good idea.

I have had reactive depression in the past for a good few years regarding everything my dad did plus how he was in our childhood. I am wary of PND and therefore carefully keeping an eye on my moods now and want to be vigilant post-birth. It's just that this blindsided me a bit, hadn't heard from them in so long so forgot about their sorry existence, and now she's reared her ugly head again I worry that this is just the beginning and if I was to receive something soon after the baby about my baby then that would push me to the edge a little bit. Particularly while sleep deprived and trying to find my way as a new mother. I'm self critical and she's already criticising my ability to parent. I don't take notice of these comments now but I worry I may do later when I'm not feeling particularly strong. I think I just feel like this has made me vulnerable and almost like a target again, and I feel a really strong need to protect me and the baby and this is the only way I can think of right now.

I am appreciative of all messages including those who disagree. I'm grateful for you taking the time and offering opinions.

Lying about the baby makes them know you care enough to lie. If you feel their knowing about the baby will taint a special time then withdraw from them all, completely.

I sound a bit wimpy, but I feel like I'm damage controlling before damage is done. In my mind this is just what I need to do for us ¯\(ツ)/¯

How is she sending you messages op?

Then do what you need to do - your reasoning for it is sound.

@Dianneabbottsmathsteacher Facebook messages, new Facebook profiles to get around the block, to siblings, sending texts to landline so it comes up as a voicemail in a robotic voice, texts. I block them all but she still crops up somewhere. Sometimes it's years apart, for example the latest one is a first after a few years, but I didn't care so much then as I do now that I have a baby on the way and that is what the message is about.

You don't sound like a wimp but you sound really anxious OP.
Just don't tell anyone you don't trust? Not hard if they aren't in the country!
If anyone is abusive. Block and avoid. NC at all.
Good luck with the new arrival.

What a complete bitch she sounds op.

Block all you can as soon as you can and remember she can't upset you unless you let her.

You are obviously going to be a super mum and she's a bitter and twisted cow.

You will always get suppprt on mumsnet for all aspects of parenting so keep posting

So, You announced to them that you are pregnant. Then you decide you need to collude with other family members to keep any MORE details secret in future.

Sounds batshit crazy and overly dramatic to me. I get you are NC, and that is your choice. But, Why did you tell them you were pregnant if you then want to create drama over not talking???

Would it not have been better to not tell them in the first place, than give them A, and the withhold the entire alphabet in a big dramatic gesture?

Because we weren't on NC before the pregnancy. I wanted grandmother to know and it felt right to tell her about her first great grandchild. I told grandmother. She didn't acknowledge.

I was only NC with dad and cousin. Actually figured I'd get massive backlash if I hid the pregnancy but now guess I would have gotten the abusive no matter what I did. I regret telling her but I didn't feel there was any right option.