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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to have stepped in

47 replies

allthingsred · 24/05/2017 10:12

Walking to work this morning. I saw a man screaming & shouting at his partner.
I mean really agressive calling her every name under the sun. F in & blinding. He had a toddler in a pram who was clearly getting upset. he was really in is partners face I really thought he was going to hit her.
So I said to calm down.
In response I got a mouthful of abuse telling me it's none of my business which I agreed it wasn't but repeated for him to calm down for the baby sake. Again got told he didn't give a fuck she (his partner a slut) another bit of verbal abuse aimed at me.
As he walked off up the road.
My question was I bu for getting involved? I genuinely thought he was going to hit his partner. But did I do the right thing? My oh says I should have ignored it. But ignoring things like this is when bad things happen aren't they?

OP posts:
user1482079332 · 24/05/2017 10:16

I think you was very brave

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman · 24/05/2017 10:16

You absolutely did the right thing, your OH is wrong. I would've stepped in too.

newdaylight · 24/05/2017 10:16

Yanbu. Well done from me.
Chances are if he was doing it then he does it all the time. Do you know any of the names of the family? If so could be worth contacting social services.

AlpacaPicnic · 24/05/2017 10:16

I think you were brave, but I would have spoken to the woman, asked her if she was ok, could I help her,? - not spoken to him directly.

A bully is a bully. Many people don't intervene because they don't want to become the next target.

JollySmelly · 24/05/2017 10:17

I think you were pretty brave too but it's a fine line between brave, public-spirited and downright foolhardy. You could have come to harm. I think it may have been wiser to maybe call the Police if you feared for her safety.

Leavesandburies · 24/05/2017 10:17

I also think you were brave and maybe stopped it escalating further while also hopefully giving the woman the message that it's not ok which she might have been too caught up in the stress of it to see clearly.

Catzpyjamas · 24/05/2017 10:18

I have done the same in a similar situation. My DH also thought that I should have stayed out of it but that's not in my nature. If nobody gets involved when they see abuse, the abuser will probably think they're in the right and carry on. You showed his partner that another human being cared enough about her to say something. Showing empathy for someone can't ever be wrong, can it?

PuckeredAhole · 24/05/2017 10:19

If he thinks it's ok to talk to his partner like that outside, what do you think he does behind closed doors?! He thinks his behaviour is normal, clearly. He needed to be called out on it. Doubt it'll change his ways though sadly.

SapphireStrange · 24/05/2017 10:19

Very brave but I too would have tried to talk to the woman, not him.

CandleLit · 24/05/2017 10:20

Usually better to talk to the lady rather than the man to make sure she was okay.

ImperialBlether · 24/05/2017 10:21

I think if you are concerned someone will get hurt, you should call the police. Approaching a furious man won't do you any good.

Funnyface1 · 24/05/2017 10:22

I don't know if I'd have been brave enough but for the sake of the child you did the right thing I think.

Original poster
allthingsred · 24/05/2017 10:28

Yeah I get it was probably a little foolhardy. But seemed like right thing to do at the time. My partner just concerned for my safety. But honestly it was awful to witness I had to step in. Just hope the woman okay now.

OP posts:
DancingLedge · 24/05/2017 10:30

Bravo you. Star

I think there's an element of risk, but as long as you remain non confrontational in tone and body language, and keep well back ,out of grabbing distance, it's not that huge a risk. I have done the same sort of thing, and been critised for it .I would argue that if you have a keen sense of your own self preservation, and an ability to read body language, you can more or less tell whether to say something, or alternatively get the hell out asap and phone the police.
Like 'a village to raise a child' , I think it takes all of us to make a safe and civilised society.

My family disagree.

londonrach · 24/05/2017 10:33

If he is like that in public whats he like in private. You were vv brave. Im not sure id do anything as worried re knife etc. I bet the lady was vv grateful. Hope shes ok x

Mummyoflittledragon · 24/05/2017 10:37

Always better to talk to the person being abused, ie the child or woman.

HildaOg · 24/05/2017 10:39

The professional advice is to never get involved in domestics for two reasons.

There is a huge likelihood that they will both turn on and attack you and it will be your word against both of theirs in court.

The abuser will be angry and give it to her much harder when they get home because he will blame her for the public censor.

It might make you feel better to intervene but it's not advised or safe. Calling the police is a much better option than risking your life/health or exacerbating an already dangerous situation for the woman when she gets home.

elephantscansing · 24/05/2017 10:46

It might make you feel better to intervene but it's not advised or safe. Calling the police is a much better option than risking your life/health or exacerbating an already dangerous situation for the woman when she gets home.

Well, maybe, but here the police wouldn't arrive for hours, if they came at all. What's the point??

Surely the guy, if he was 'only' shouting at his partner, wouldn't start beating a random woman in the street? Men like that are usually only violent to their partners, not anyone else.

LuluLovesFruitcakes · 24/05/2017 10:47

Hilda that's exactly what I was going to say.

It may make you feel better knowing you stepped in, but realistically it could make it worse for the victim in cases of dv.

I've had people step in before, and he would always blame me, I must have signalled to them somehow to step in and make him look like the bad guy. It got to a point where if I noticed someone looking like they were going to step in, I'd try to flap my hand at them in a "shoo" way to get them to keep walking. Because the reality was, stranger intervention always made it worse 😞

If you are going to step in, ring the police and hover in the background so you can be a reliable witness should it go to court.

Sorry I feel like a right party pooper!

Evilstepmum01 · 24/05/2017 10:51

Yanbu, you were very brave. Personally, I'd have called 101 I think.

This happened last year to my colleague. He saw two alcoholics walking down the high street, drunk, with a buggy full of cider and dragging a tired, crying toddler along by the hand.
He stopped and said put the bairn in the buggy, the guy was being pretty rough dragging the poor wee soul. Got a mouthful of abuse so he called 101 and social services. The police were on it immediately and thanked him for getting involved. My colleague, a hardened Glaswegian was in tears for the wee boy.
So its not bad to get involved, just be careful.
On a sidenote, my friend found the same poor wee soul wandering alone on the high street last week. She took him in, bathed, clothed and fed him until SS turned up. They took him....straight home to his mother. I guess you can get involved but theres only so much you can do!

HildaOg · 24/05/2017 10:52

Elephant; what part of you're putting an already vulnerable woman in a far more dangerous situation when she gets home, do you not understand?

Intervening to make yourself feel good is not helping when the woman gets it tenfold at home due to him blaming her for being publicly challenged.

It's that danger that makes many victims turn on those who intervene, with their abuser so that they won't have to suffer him later. And you're very likely to be attacked if you try to involve yourself in a domestic. At best you just make it so much worse for the woman.

Birdsgottaf1y · 24/05/2017 10:57

Telling someone to calm down always escalates things.

If you felt that you had to intervene, them that was right at the time.

I would have approached and told him that if he continues i'm phoning the Police. Speaking to the Woman,puts her in a position of responsibility, she's caught between a rock and a hard place.

If she says that she is fine (which i've done even to the Police when I was in an abusive relationship),it will be used against her,in the future by him and so would her saying that she wasn't fine, if she doesn't finish with him.

My neighbour and her daughter were murdered two days after such an incident and that was after the Police had been called.

You stopped it there and then, so if was effective.

HildaOg · 24/05/2017 10:58

Lulu; I'm so sorry to hear that happened to you. Your advice about staying in the background to act as a witness is very good.

Birdsgottaf1y · 24/05/2017 11:02

""Well, maybe, but here the police wouldn't arrive for hours, if they came at all. ""

Do you know this for a fact, as in you've phoned the Police when a violent altercation has been starting in the presence of a minor?

Because if that's the case then report the Police, they aren't following guidelines.

Mustang27 · 24/05/2017 11:03

You did the right thing!!!