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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

aibu to have stepped in

47 replies

allthingsred · 24/05/2017 10:12

Walking to work this morning. I saw a man screaming & shouting at his partner.
I mean really agressive calling her every name under the sun. F in & blinding. He had a toddler in a pram who was clearly getting upset. he was really in is partners face I really thought he was going to hit her.
So I said to calm down.
In response I got a mouthful of abuse telling me it's none of my business which I agreed it wasn't but repeated for him to calm down for the baby sake. Again got told he didn't give a fuck she (his partner a slut) another bit of verbal abuse aimed at me.
As he walked off up the road.
My question was I bu for getting involved? I genuinely thought he was going to hit his partner. But did I do the right thing? My oh says I should have ignored it. But ignoring things like this is when bad things happen aren't they?

OP posts:

Goingtobeawesome · 24/05/2017 11:04

I've stepped in many times but I always speak to the woman not the bully. It has always stopped the abuse there and then but I do worry it's got worse once home. I just hope me saying something makes the women realise someone cares and that isn't acceptable behaviour.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 24/05/2017 11:05

I would be concerned that he would take it out on her even more later - isn't that the usual concern when people intervene in these horribly abusive situations?

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 24/05/2017 11:05

But you did the right thing because perhaps the more she sees it's not right, the more she may be able to break free

OhGood · 24/05/2017 11:07

I would love to know what the right thing is to do in a situation like this. I have always been worried about making it worse for the person being abused by stepping in.

If it were a child I think I would step in regardless and yes calling 101 and social services = sounds like best thing.

MerryMarigold · 24/05/2017 11:12

I think it was good to support the woman, but I had a FB meme once which said, "In the history of calming down, no one has ever calmed down when told to calm down!". It is so very true. Dh says it to me and it winds me up further to be honest.

Hissy · 24/05/2017 11:13

Wow, what a great thing you did there OP. Brave yes, but Abusers are cowards.

He would have spent months/years grooming her into the poor beleaguered creature she is today, he wouldn't start out like that, he would not have known how you were going to react and your calm and strong demeanour will have caused him to pause.

I also agree that showing her that it's not right may help her come to the decision to choose a different path for herself and her child.

Poor thing. I hope she gets free.

EleanorRigbysNeice · 24/05/2017 11:18

Police are otherwise engaged....that's the ones still in post, after cutbacks. OP, you were massively brave, I think. I'm not sure I could have intervened.

EssentialHummus · 24/05/2017 11:32

I think you were brave, but I would have spoken to the woman, asked her if she was ok, could I help her,? - not spoken to him directly.

I agree, though God knows I wouldn't have thought to do it in the heat of the moment.

Italiangreyhound · 24/05/2017 11:36

You were brave and totally in the right.

The man is a tosspot and I am so sorry for the poor woman who has ended up with him.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 24/05/2017 11:37

I feel sorry for the woman and the child - I was the child in that scenario for the first few years of my life and it has scarred me

DancingLedge · 24/05/2017 11:47

Livia

PavlovianLunge · 24/05/2017 11:54

I think the thread throws up a dilemma. Yes, you want to help in some way, but as others have said, what if doing so makes matters worse for the person being abused? There's also the question of whether you might be putting yourself in harm's way, but that has to be an individual decision to make at the time.

In terms of intervening or not, does anyone know if Women's Aid (or the police) have any general advice on the matter?

Italiangreyhound · 24/05/2017 11:56

Pavlova "...what if doing so makes matters worse for the person being abused?"

We cannot know if it will or not, but maybe he sends a message to the woman, this behavujouor of your partner is not normal and there are people who care about you..

Italiangreyhound · 24/05/2017 11:56

it (intervening) sends a message...

PavlovianLunge · 24/05/2017 12:05

I agree with you, Italian, but as at least one PP has said, when they were being abused, situations like that made things worse for them when they got home.

But yes, the act of intervening could help in the long run, as well as there and then, so it would feel wrong to just walk by and do nothing.

Aridane · 24/05/2017 12:15

What did you hope to achieve (honest question)??

CherieBabySpliffUp · 24/05/2017 12:25

Does it follow then that if you see a child being verbally abused in the street by an adult you shouldn't try to help? In case they suffer worse behind closed doors due to your intervention?
I don't think I could just walk in by.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 24/05/2017 13:14

People always say on here that if you confront an adult who is abusing a child in public that you could be making it worse for the child. As well meaning as it may be, I'm sure the child wouldn't thank you for it. Call the police by all means but unless you are trained in these situations you could make things a lot worse

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 24/05/2017 13:15

I have known it to happen, sadly

bawlingbetty · 24/05/2017 13:17

I stepped in once. Ended up with a black eye!

Cloudangel123 · 25/05/2017 13:50

There is a fantastic movement about being an "upstander" not a "bystander" which applies to all social situations - particularly being highlighted for anti-bullying in schools.
My child was bullied and none of his peers stepped in as an "upstander" and someone to be there would no doubt have helped avoid the situation of ending up with mental health issues and unable to complete schooling - can't sit exams so no university! Has launched a CrowdJustice appeal to take bullies to task - including a teacher! Please share the link to the CrowdJustice appeal widely and pledge some support if you can - any help is welcome, thanks. www.crowdjustice.com/case/justice-for-glenalmond-college-bullying-victim/
Maybe this will make schools sit up and take notice - I think most schools state in their rules "bullying will not be tolerated" but in effect they do not take effective decisions.

PainCanBeBeautiful · 25/05/2017 13:55

I believe I would have done the same, however you could also have made things worse. I've been in a similar situation and someone asked if I was ok and all t did was get my head pushed out of a window and told he could take my life at any moment. If need be ask her if she is ok or talk to the upset child but don't talk to the man shouting abuse also call the police and give a description if you can. It probably would have done more harm than good but it could also have gave her some courage to leave.

It's a hard call as stepping in really does have so many pros and cons.

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