To wonder if becoming a parent makes you selfish

[lovelylavender1]

It's not a criticism so don't take it as such. I have children myself.

But it's all about them. I've noted my friends' reactions to the Manchester attacks have all been in a way about them or their children really. "How awful that little Sophie / Freddie /Millie is growing up in a world like this' and 'thinking of the parents who don't get to kiss their children good night.'

It's not a bad thing, it's a sensible thing as putting your own children first ensures the survival of the species but what does interest me is that single people are often put forward as selfish ones when I think it's more likely to be the other way round.

Surely being selfish means caring only for yourself and your own needs, putting yourself first - so putting your children first can't be selfish?

what a horrible post on a day where many people have lost their lives.

I do know what you mean in a way.

This past year the body of a little boy who had been missing for almost 30 years was found on my friend's farm.

There was quite a media circus for a bit as this is a tiny town and it was a very famous case in my part of the country. Most people here were very close mouthed about the whole thing but there were others who loved talking to the media, and they were often the ones posting on FB about how affected they were by this tragedy because they'd seen the boy's mother fifteen years ago in the grocery store. And still others who literally said OUT LOUD that we should "use" this as a town.

So I do get that but at the same time I think there's a difference between that and being genuinely shocked when something that seems like a thing that happens Out There, happens close to home.

And no I don't think parents are more or less prone to this than others.

I know what you mean OP. For me personally I find it hard to muster up the energy to care as much about people outside my immediate family than I did pre children. I'm just too exhausted from caring for my own little brood. Hopefully I'll get my care back as they get older!

I know that you mean, OP. I also found the FB comments unnecessary. No one, not even other parents, can comprehend the tragedy of a parent losing a child or anyone losing a loved one in such a way, unless you've experienced it.

I also liked this post by Trilis

I do think that your circle of "self" about which you are selfish includes your children as well as just you.

The people you were thinking of, they probably already largely thought about themselves. Maybe they find it more socially acceptable to say it out loud now that their circle of selfishness includes their children.

Sorry becoming a parent makes you less selfish my daughters needs are always met before mine! Not sure why your using manchester as a example tbh most parents are going to think about their own children at times like this and the old what if it happened to me.

Thanks *Chloe84^ - I'm glad you understand the point I was making there.

swimminginlemonade Whats wrong with people wondering what kind of world our children are living in? The selfish people are the ones posting pictures of the poor people who have died(who they dont know) to have a go at a religion! There the selfish ones.

I do kind of get what the OP is on about - I think she means the ones who turn a terrible tragedy into how bad it is for them, rather than how bad it is for everyone involved. But I don't think that being a parent makes you any more or less prone to that sort of emotional leeching, I think that's just what some people are like, it has to be all about them, even when it's far worse for other people.

However - posting on FB is just an extension of how we interact with other people. When you are shocked and upset, your stress response releases oxytocin, which, as well as being the hormone that brings milk in, is also the hormone that encourages the social side of us. Its purpose in the stress response is to make us seek out others for comfort, and to allow us to work out our stress response by talking about it with others.

Small and almost irrelevant example - I witnessed a car accident once, where a schoolgirl was hit by a car and thrown through the air, and knocked unconscious. I was able to help, picking her stuff up and making sure she was ok (along with other people) and I was fine up until I had to get into my car and drive home, when my legs went to absolute jelly (shock set in). I got home eventually and the FIRST thing I wanted to do was phone someone - by then I was shaking and tearful as well, but I NEEDED to phone and talk to someone about it. That was the oxytocin response.

Anyway - I don't the OP is quite as bad as some people think but I do think it perhaps wasn't the ideal time to be posting about this sort of thing.