To wonder if becoming a parent makes you selfish

[lovelylavender1]

It's not a criticism so don't take it as such. I have children myself.

But it's all about them. I've noted my friends' reactions to the Manchester attacks have all been in a way about them or their children really. "How awful that little Sophie / Freddie /Millie is growing up in a world like this' and 'thinking of the parents who don't get to kiss their children good night.'

It's not a bad thing, it's a sensible thing as putting your own children first ensures the survival of the species but what does interest me is that single people are often put forward as selfish ones when I think it's more likely to be the other way round.

I do think that your circle of "self" about which you are selfish includes your children as well as just you.

I don't think having children makes you any more selfish, or any more likely to think only of yourself.

The people you were thinking of, they probably already largely thought about themselves. Maybe they find it more socially acceptable to say it out loud now that their circle of selfishness includes their children.

When you put "going to give Olivia another kiss goodnight, can't believe Manchester " it's - I don't know. Making it about you. Making it about Olivia. Yes, I have two children.

This is what you want to discuss this morning? On a parenting support site? Innocent lives have been taken some of them children ....just be thankful you've lived long enough to make such stupid observations things in light of tragedy.

There's plenty of other banal discussions Honey, I do hope you're berating them too.

Then I read the zombie about the crying baby waking the neighbour and I was thinking that we see mums as these selfless people but actually they aren't. That's all

Then why didn't you say that in the first place instead of trying to relate it the events in Manchester? Your OP makes no sense. In fact, your OP makes you the very thing you're accusing others of - you're making a horrific event all about YOU to try and make some stupid point. A thoroughly pointless point.

Oh, and BTW, I read the first few pages of baby thread, and as a parent I didn't side with the mother at all. She was definitely being selfish.

Because it's linked emmy

You hear news about a horrific tragedy and the first reaction is to be 'grateful' your own child isn't one of them, I get that, but announcing it on social media is. Yet it's okay as a parent?

There is absolutely no way a thread about a crying baby can be linked to the horrific events in Manchester, or terrorism in general. How anyone could link the two is beyond me.

I can't believe this is even a thread. I'm not going to waste any more of my time on it.

I'm not linking them I'm linking the fact as a parent you think primarily of your own kids and thinking how strange it is therefore that single and childless people are painted as the selfish!

Your point doesn't make any sense. Thinking about your children first makes you less selfish as you are not thinking about yourself.

FWIW I didn't immediately think of my children or me when I read the news. I thought of the children and families affected. And all those helping. So sweeping generalisations don't work either.

I agree with OP. People nowadays do make disasters all about them. I also dislike the 'give Olivia an extra kiss' comments. The tragedy is about those poor people who died and their families, and not us.

It's similar when eg a child dies, and people say 'I also have a daughter that age' etc. So what? Yours didn't die. Of course we are grateful our children are ok, there's just no need to announce it.

Anyway, even by posting this, I am probably distracting from the main issue, the people who died. Let it stay about them.

Being glad it wasn't you or your family involved in something horrific isn't selfish. It's not nice but it's normal. Reminds me of that line in the band aid song 'well tonight thank God it's them instead of you' it isn't just parents that feel that way it's everyone. Your point is weird OP, I don't agree. Being a parent doesn't make you selfish. A selfish person is and was always a selfish person. The examples in your OP do not sound like selfishness to me.

I think I know what you mean OP. To view and state things only as they affect you and your family can seem self-centred. "It's awful Millie is growing up in this world" - it's not great for any child or adult and not just your child. Im sure some people think that's empathy but I don't think it truly is. Empathy is understanding other people's pain through your experiences. This is taking other people's awful experience (death, injury, fear) and attaching and declaring how it affects you and your family.

'it's not great for any child or adult not just your child.'

But it's completely normal to think of your own child first. It's biology, it's ingrained in humans and animals for parents to think about their own offspring above all else. I don't get how that is selfish or self-centred? We would be pretty shitty parents if we didn't think of our own children above everyone else. It doesn't mean the person writing that isn't thinking of anyone else. And writing a post like that on Facebook is probably not the best idea I agree. But I still don't get how thinking of your child above anyone and everyone in any situation is somehow selfish and self centred?

I don't think it makes you a shitty parent if you don't think of your children above all else.

For example, I don't believe in private education. I would not and do not send my child to private school because of that principle.

I do think a lot of people conveniently put their principles aside when they have children though.

I think some people are selfish. Some are parents, some aren't.

I have no issue with parents thinking first of their child and fear for their future. I imagine that's natural.

Generally I think some parents think it's ok to behave like total dicks and use the excuse that they are "putting their child first", usually with a barb about how i "wouldnt understand". However in this case given the tragedy that has arisen, I begrudge no parent the right to go straight to their child and hug them extra tight. I don't see that as selfish.

What a ridiculous thread. Do you have kids OP? This is called EMPATHY.

The OP's opening line stressed the fact that she had children.

I understand what you are saying in a way.
When I was at high school there was a serial killer in the locality. Lots of girls at school created a big drama about being so scared that they would be the next victim rather than extending empathy to the victims and their families.

I get what you mean OP. You can express sympathy / sadness when horrible events happen in the world without ever mentioning your children, so why make it all about your relationship with them? Other people manage to say "thinking of the victims in x tragedy" without saying "what kind of world are (my kids) going to grow up in?" (as one of my FB friends wrote this morning).

I think your point about Manchester didn't really make sense as I think it's more empathy than selfishness

However in general I have to agree, I don't know if you can call it selfish as it's about your child not you but they come before anyone else in my mind. We went through a period of a large number of people in my area not getting into any school near us so many had to go through appeals. I hated that time because I found myself wanting to share tips or important loop holes I'd found with my friends but having to keep quiet because the places were so limited that if I helped them, my child might miss out. Went against my nature to be like that but my child came first. There is very little I wouldn't do to make my child's life the best it can be and it's not something I'm proud about so yes, it's definitely made me more selfish

wedding a close second thought should be oh well it's crap for everyone. If you don't have that second thought or at least only FB the first one then yes it seems self centred. Good posts from jiggly I don't think anyone's suggesting it's selfish to give your kid a squeeze (any time really and particularly not after you see something bad) I don't think this thread subject is important though in the general scheme of what's going on.

I'm not on fb anymore, but the "I'm giving Olivia an extra kiss" comments sound pretty harmless. I understand why people think that. I'm sure childless people must think of children they know after something like this or even just see children in the street and think of the ones who lost their lives. It's one of the better sides of human nature that most people want to nurture and protect children.

I don't like observations like the one in the op. There's always someone who makes comments like these after a tragedy. Sort of; It's not enough to be sad about a tragic incident, you must do it in the right style. Competitive / holier than thou sort of stuff at a time when it really isn't appropriate imo/

You seem confused. It's selfish to be thinking of someone else (your children) instead of yourself?
No, you';ve got that arseways.

No. I was actually far more selfish before I had children.

Having children has made me more selfless than I thought possible (for a selfish person like me).

I was a much more self centred person before.kids. My empathy has grown since having kids

Facebook posts about Manchester are selfish? Yes I popped one on, how does that make me selfish. So did my friend who doesn't have children, does that make her more or less selfish? This thread is totally bizarre!