Bath bombs for a 6yo boy? Long rambling step families post here!

[Catbabymummy]

So, my dss's dm rings up my dh last night about picking dss up tonight. First makes a dig at the fact we were late for his birthday party (which we weren't, we just made it by the skin of our teeth after getting stuck in an enormous traffic jam caused by 4 way temporary traffic lights) and then goes about the fact that he is now into bath bombs. You know, the flowery smelling ones. Dh starts laughing down the phone at her saying "shall i get ribbons for his hair?", even his Godmother was laughing and saying that they are girly. My response was, she's gone bonkers again. Does she not realise that bicarb (the stuff that makes them fizz) could aggravate his eczema as it has a drying affect on the skin?
It drives me mad that everytime she does this she gives dh these commands to him that he MUST do this and he MUSt do that, and she tries to get him to give her a minute by minute itenery? We have dss every fortnight and generally we let him do what he wants (within reason!) and as long as he is having a good time, we shouldn't have to justify to his mum what we do with him.
So I guess there is two questions here?

1. AWBU to not buy him a bath bomb (though if anyone can recommend boyish ones then please do.
2. AIBU to get p*ssed off when dss's mum gives the impression that dh and I are incapable of looking after her precious child ? Before ANYONE jumps on the evil stepmother wagon, as dh split with dss's mum before he was born, and DH and I have been together since DSS was nearly 2 months old (he was about 4 months when I met him for the first time) I have always been a part of his life and I love him like he is my own. It's just that his mum is a controlling b!tch - even his Godmother, incidently his mum's best friend agrees with that!

You asked us if we thought you were being unreasonable catbabymummy.

Sorry if you didn't like the answers

you sound utterly jealous of her

Catbabymummy, I am a stepmother and now have my own children too and know how hard it can be to deal with your stepchildren's mothers. However, in this case, in answer to your question I think that you are being unreasonable.

You talk abou your dss using the term "we" in reference to you and your dh. However, when it comes to your dss, the only we that should exist is his mother and his father even if they are not together. It is your dh who should pay maintenance. Not you and him. And it really is inappropriate for you to judge how she chooses to spend her money.
It is really really really hard work being a single mother, especially when you are a full time student AND the father of your child participates so little in the day to day chores of bringing up the child.
I don't blame her for being concerned about your dh's ability to look after him. From your description, he only has him 4 days out of the month and in those 4 days, lets him do whatever he wants and ridicules him for ridiculously unimportant things like wanting a bath bomb. And your dh should have planned on the possibility of traffic problems when making arrangements to get his son to something as important as his birthday party.
And by the way, it's really inappropriate for you to be discussing him and his mother with his mother's best friend.
Your poor dss only gets to see his father every other weekend. Is it really that onerous to splurge a little and buy him a couple of bathbombs. So you you have £15 a month less to spend on yourself? I'm sure he will grow out of it.
By the way, my stepchildren when through the bathbomb stage at around the same age and I ended up going regularly into town to LUSH to get enough bathbombs for 3 children who came to visit EVERY weekend.

God is there a "bath-bomb stage"?

I guess I'm very lucky in not having come across it yet. Will try and keep the existence of bath bombs secret for another few years!

Although a wonderful friend of mine bought me one of those things you put in the bath and it turns it into a mini-jacuzzi. The kids aren't yet sure whether they like it or not, but it causes great excitement whenever it appears...

He had his bath bomb last night and enjoyed it very much.
Sorry people I'm now feeling very contrite.
Can we just drop this now? But I do feel very involved with my dss, with his mum's blessing because I've known him since he was a wee baby. BTW traffic problem? We had set off plenty of mile, but we do travel about 120 miles, to see him. We were well ahead of schedule until we ran into the traffic lights. It should have taken us only another 10 mins to get his mum's house from where we get stuck and there was no diversion route around these lights. It ended up taking us another 40 mins to get through them and we did in fact make it to her house to help pick up some things for her and still make it to the party on time.
As to the jealousy, I can assure you I'm not. She's made her life decisions which I respect and she respects mine.
The problem is when I originally posted this I was in a very unhappy mood, stressed out at work and had a migraine. And no I'm not looking for sympathy. But I'm rather taken aback about how vitiolic some of the comments have been on here. You are all within your rights to make your opinions known, and if I had been better frame of mind I would never have posted this in the first place. But some of the comments on here have been down right hurtful and untrue. So have some of the comments I've made and again I apologise if I have offended people. I'm strong enough to admit that I was being unreasonable, and some of you have made constructive commments and I'm very grateful for the. I would also like to point my mum was a single mum and I'm a stepchild (my dad remarried). So I do know what it is like having you parent marry someone else. But he has never known his parents being together, they split up before she even knew she was pregnant and made it clear she didn't want to get back with my dh and it was up to him whether he wanted contact with his son (which he did).
So I hope we can now put this to bed.

Disregarding any comments about parenting, except perhaps my own. Ds age 11 absolutly adores anything for his bath. We have just moved 3000 miles part way around the world and he has brought his bath toys with him! Not sure what the removal men thoguht of that.Some of which he has had since he was a baby. We just love to chat and play (me sat on the loo), sometimes I read to him. He loves the bath crayons, paint, confetti, bombs, soaps with a toy in (no those I really dislked, the soap was much too harsh). I really feel when he doesnt want this stuff he will just put it in the car boot box.
IMHO there are too many things to think about in life, bath toys/products - with the exception of health reasons - are not top of my must not, cant do,cannot have list.

Hope you are feeling better, sympathise with the migraines.

Catbabymummy, just to return to something you mentioned which imo is completely irrelevant where children are concerned (sorry to pick a scab). The fact that he's never known his mum and dad together means nothing, imo. Both my kids have hardly know their mum and dad together either (we split when DS was 2 and I was pregnant with DD, so DD never lived with both and DS can't remember living with both). But every now and then, they ask me when Daddy (whom they never see - his choice) is coming to live with us!

I just mention that so that if your dss ever suddenly starts with that one, you don't take it personally or find it outlandish and unreasonable - it's one of those things kids do seem to be exceptionally mad about, imo, we just have to accept that that's the way they are.

Anyway glad he enjoyed his bath bomb and that you're feeling more positive.

Catbabymummy - good on you for your last post. Most people start a thread on AIBU and defend their position to the hilt but you haven't done that. I'm a step-mum too and I know how difficult the set up can be Trivial things can become very difficult as hey, it's not about the bath bombs but lots of other, very difficult feelings.

FWIW, I think there is an inherent difficulty with having a step-parents thread on MN as mums who have real sympathy for step-mums are a very rare breed indeed.

Glad you came back to this catmumbaby...and glad you are feeling better.

Admire your last post, catmumbaby.

Can I ask a question? I don't like the sound of this godmother/best friend and the other people who tell you all about this birthmother's life. It is really S* stirring, adding more tension between you and the birthmother. And that's nasty, because it will backfire on your stepson.

Who is to say that this same godmother/best friend is not going back to the birthmother and dishing the dirt about you and dh? Perhaps that is one reason why she comes across as being so 'interfering' as she is has been wound up and made to feel worried about how her son is being looked after at weekends. It sends alarm bells when you say she has asked for her best friend to be guardian, not her dh.

I think this godmother has far too much power in this set up and is abusing it badly.

Do you and the birthmother have much direct contact? Can you pick up the phone and speak to her yourself or is communication always through a third party - your dh, the godmother or others? I get the impression you actually don't know her very well but hear all these bad things about her. And if that's true, the same might apply to her.

If so, in your place I would find ways of ending this asap. It is not fair on you or her. Why should this godmother and others be in possession of all the knowledge - it is these people who could well be the controlling ones.

Can you, your dh and the birthmother do some things together with your stepson - just so he can see that all the adults in his life do get on with each other? It might ease the tension if you, the birth mother and your dh all have a better idea of how you each relate to your dss. Or is this a pipe dream? I have not been in this situation myself. As you met your dh after he broke up with his partner, hopefully there is no deep seated grudge against you - or is there? I know it must be very difficult.

If meeting up in the threesome is really not a good idea, can you meet up with the birthmother alone and somehow get to know each other a bit better? If you find some practical reason to do this ie plans for the school summer holidays, and then just take it from there, it might help?

And if you begin to get a better and closer relationship with the birthmother, watch carefully how the godmother and other gossiping adults take this turn of events. If they seem less than happy, they are not true friends.

I think caligula's posts on here have been really useful - great advice, btw.

As the DH in question can I pose some questions to those of you who have been rushing in to abuse what is in reality a pretty amicable relationship for all? One by one:

1. 4 days out of a month. Has noone considered that this is what my ex actually wants and is happy with? As CBM pointed out we live a fair distance away, and with my ex at Uni and DS at school she understandably wants to spend weekends with him as well. So we split them. 2 weekends a month - far from me abandoning her - is what his mum is happy with.
2. The gossiping bit. I get on really well with ex's best mate and ex's mum. Both volunteer information to me - usally defending me against anothr of ex's tirades. They tell her she is being unreasonable wthout any prompting from me.
3. The money bit. Ex took DS to Florida last month for the sole reason that she felt deprived not to have gone and didn't want to deprive him. Paris being "not good enough" it had to be Florida and 10 days away from school for DS. Now its fine for her to send her money on what she likes of curse. But she borrowed it and demanded that I make a substantial contribution. Am unreasonable thave wanted to at least be consulted before she booked it? Again, her friend and her mum thought she was being obsessive - hand up anyone who agrees that a child would deprived for not having gone to Disneyworld in Florida - not Paris as it is't good enough.
4. The playing wth my son bit. The weekends I have him I want to focus on him and do things he wants to do - as agreed with his mum who complains if don't have enough things planned. DS loves a lazy morning where we can play together as mummy doesn't do that. He loves beng taken places he finds fun. To the critics out tee - should I not plan in things he wants to do and take him to places at to go instead?
5. The bath bomb. Frankly I don't care if he has one or nt. What I object to is his self-confessed control freak mother trying to dictate each and everything he does, making decisions about what we're going to do at a weekend and telling DS before she tells me. The bath bomb was a symbol of control, not something I objected to in itself.

So peace to everyone. I hope that those of you who rushed to judgement will read what I have posted then re-read what you wrote before you understood the facts. And perhaps not rush to criticise so quickly in future? I have no problem discussing the whys and wherefores of parenting with anyone - none ofus are perfect. But before I jumped in with my size 9s and slagged you off, I might want to know that I understood things. Or could read even - some of the abuse people posted was for things that hadn't happened or even been suggsted - you made it up.....

Hey there, thanks for all you comments. To answer some questions.
Tigermoth - Godmother is a very nice person. She is a bit older than dss's dm, and is a single mum of 3, whose partner walked out on her when her dcs were very young. She thinks the world of dss, and my dh and says dh is a wonderful father. She certainly doesn't discuss anything behind anyone's back, the things she has said to me and dh are things that she has already says to dss's mum.
She'll say to me, "You know I love {dss's dm} to bits, but she don't 'alf have some crazy ideas!" She is very close to her, but is someone who speaks her mind and if she thinks dss's dm is being unreasonable she'll tell her (especially over the whole who will look after her ds if she dies issue). At times it does seem like dh's ex doesn't appreciate dh's qualities as a father, and sometimes runs roughshod over him and fails to consult him on key matters. But we just tell ourselves it just that she is so protective of her only baby. She knows deep down inside dh is a great father but finds it hard to express it.
Caligula - that issue did come up I think when dss started school. It was fine he was just curious we just explained to him that daddy and mummy didn't work well together but were good friends and it had no relation on how we all felt about him. He seemed happy enough, and it didn't really bother me, because it didn't seem to trouble him he just wanted to know why. I guess it will crop up again when he is older, perhaps even when I have a baby (we're trying for one now). But I'm confident the three of us will handle it fine.

catbabymummy, its still s**t stirring though. my best friend doesnt always think im right and she will tell me that to my face, but she's my friend and wouldnt dream of, for instance, telling ds's dad (if he was the person i was ranting about). its not her place to say it. basic rules of friendship i would have thought.

why do people insist on getting involved in these things? its between you, your dh and the mother.

tbh i really would question the motives of someone who felt the need to relay information like that, no matter how nice they seemed, but perhaps that's just me.

What? You think it is unreasonable of this boy's own MOTHER to tell you that he likes bath bombs, yet you think it is totally reasonable for his father to make stupid sneery jokes about him 'wearing ribbons'? WTF is that about? He's a little boy. Stop imposing your ideas of what is 'manly' on him.

(keep thinking of more things here)

catbabydaddy. i dont think anyone said you were abandoning your son. have only skimmed but didnt see anyone questioning the fact you have him four days a month.

but having a child to stay four days a month is nothing like being a lone parent and having to care for them most of the time. it really isnt. read some of the lone parent threads if you think it will help. not meaning to patronise at all, but if you havent experienced it you dont know.

RE the S* stirring

CBmother you say:
"She certainly doesn't discuss anything behind anyone's back, the things she has said to me and dh are things that she has already says to dss's mum."

CBfather you say:
"I get on really well with ex's best mate and ex's mum. Both volunteer information to me - usally defending me against anothr of ex's tirades. They tell her she is being unreasonable wthout any prompting from me."

Sorry, to me this seems like S**t stirring. Just like nighthowl said. It doesn't matter how nice this friend/godmother is. She and others seem to feel they can comment to each of you on the other parent's home life and parenting skills far too freely IMO. It may just be a habit everyone has got into, but I cannot see what good it is doing all three of you.

Do you think this running commentary from outsiders could be hindering you three from building up a good, easy relationship in how you are looking after your son/step son? In your position, I would not like it.

And CBMother, how freely can you talk your stepson's mother about your stepson? Do you have any sort of friendly contact with her - (don't feel you have to answer this btw, I am not expecting you to bare your soul!)
But, as an observation, if you have all these people watching and commenting, not to mention the 120 miles distance between you, it must be even more difficult to just get to know each other and accept each other.

yes, and of course, i think someone mentioned further down. if GM is saying these things to you (OP), how can you be sure she isn't "telling tales" about you to the BM? i dont think anyone else should get involved, recipy for disaster.

Catbabydaddy, sounds like your ex is a wise woman. Going to Disneyworld in Florida is much much nicer and by the time you add up the additional costs like food and hotels, probably no more expensive than Disney Paris. Personally I think any child that hasn't been to one of the Disney's at least once in their childhood is deprived.
Sounds to me like you are very very bitter...not quite sure why and frankly don't think it's any of my/our business, but it would probably do your ds a big favor if you tried to figure it out and maybe tried to go to some counselling sessions with your ex.
Catbabymummy, well done for trying...sounds like you are in the middle of things. I agree with everyone else that godmum is stirring things up and it might just help the whole situation if you just didn't discuss anything negative with her. My dh's 2nd ex is a truly evil awful woman who did everything in her power (fairly successfully) to destroy dh's relationship with his children. I think that in the big picture of ex's and mothers of step children, the one you are dealing with doesn't sound too bad. It may be worth just trying to focus on the good parts of her. She is a good loving dependable mother who lets her son see his father regularly (this is absolutely not a given and should not be taken for granted). Demanding bathbombs and assistance with holidays is really not so bad. I have been sworn at on a regular basis for not feeding enough crisps and sweets to my stepchildren. Cursed for not buying a motorbike for my 6(!) year old dss and physically attacked when I was 8 months pregnant for not buying enough brand name clothes for my stepchildren. Dh has on and off been prevented from seeing or talking to his children for months on end and I am blamed for the breakdown of their relationship (forgetting the fact that she left him and I met him almost a year later). My dh's other ex is a dream in comparison and when she calls up and asks for a special whatever for her daughter, I am happy to comply.

In addition, now that I have my own children, and my dh is living in another country (long story), I realize how much work being a single parent is and have a little more sympathy for all single mothers out there. When dh is in town (and we are still together as a couple), he messes up the routine, spoils the children and generally complicates everything. That's what daddies do. I can imagine that if we were not still married and I was short of money as a result that I too would be extremely resentful.

I know it's very American of me, but I am a big believer in family counselors. My dh and I have over the years visited a few when we had issues that were difficult to resolve on our own and it was really helpful to have a professional (and more importantly a neutral party) give suggestions of things to try. Relate have counselors who can help with family issues as well as just couple issues.

Good luck. And don't forget that a little child is at the middle of all of this and he has a much better idea of who gets along with whom than you think!

SofiaAmes - "Personally I think any child that hasn't been to one of the Disney's at least once in their childhood is deprived"

Absolutely! All those families who can't afford to take their kids away on a big expensive trip to Florida should be arrested for neglect! There are millions and millions of "deprived" kids here in Britan if you are correct. And if you have to borrow all the money to finance such a trip and then saddle you and your DS with mountains of debt (on top of the existing debt mountain), at least you know your crippled finances haven't deprived anyone.

I was raised to live within your means and not spend money you haven't got. Perhaps I have been abused in your opinion? I didn't go abroad until I was 12 - my parents are soooo evil!

Re the sh*t stirring, can't any of you read? My ex goes off on one and does something unreasonable, THEN triest portray me as the bad guy for daring to have an opinion different to hers, to the point where her friends and family tell her she is wrong. I don't hear about that at that stage. Its only later when the thing she had to back down on is raised as a weapon against me that GM will give me some reassurance that I am not in the wrong and that ex has been told she is.

Is that sh*tstirring? Or in the warped version of reality some of you harpies live in is your best friend not allowed to tell you that you might be wrong? GM is a wondeful warm person, and remains a tower of strength for my ex. And as a single mum of 3 kids herself she does have an idea what she is talking about.

So thankyou to those of you with a sense of reality. And to those of you who are soooo much better people than the rest of us, I hope your high horse doesn't collapse in a pit of your own self-righteousness. I have to admit that I have enjoyed this thread - I had no idea that Mumsnet was a flame war.....

cbd - you come across as being so emotional about everything - lots of resentment. I am sure you have cause to feel wronged - probably your ex does as well. There seems to be so much bitterness, then it comes out over really insignificant things like a bath bomb. This can't be good for anyone, especially your ds.

How do you see yourself resolving this? Will it still be eating away at you in 10 years time?

I agree with sofiamies about trying counselling or mediation - I think mediation between you and your ex is better done via a neutral third party and definitely not a friend. I honesly don't think this Godmother is helping matters - simply because she is such a good friend and so close to you all. And it's not fair on her either - to have to negotiate her way through all of you must be very draining for her.

actually catbabydaddy, the only one throwing insults around here is you. your wife asked for an opinion, people gave their opinions. cbm doesnt seem to be taking it so personally. the first few posts came across as sneering which i think got some people's backs up. single mothers get enough flack even when they're trying to do everything right and so its upsetting to think than an ex partner and his wife could be judging and having a good laugh at our expense. its a sore subject with me at the best of times, and i dont think im the only single parent to feel that way. if the posts werent meant that way then fair enough, its very easy to misjudge when a person is just writing things down.

as for the holiday thing. well from personal experince i find it hard to digest that i skint myself out to give my son all the things that his friends with two parents take for granted. (especially when ive worked and studied too). he has had grief at school in the past for no other reason than that the kids know his dad does not live with us and its heartbreaking. i try to make sure they have no excuse whatsoever to pick on him. perhaps i overcompensate at times..im not saying its the right thing to do but since i dont always have the time to spend with him i try to make up for it in other ways. that doesnt make me a bad person. i dont know if your ex thinks that way obviously but it could be one explanation.

really not fair to start calling people harpies. i think there has been some perfectly valid advice on this thread.

Some Relate counsellors also do anger management counselling.