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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Getting a bit resentful

60 replies

Workitbabe · 22/05/2017 17:59

Hi I have been on here before about this issue but still don't know if I am being unreasonable.
Step son is 21 and lives with me and his dad plus my daughters aged 10 and 14 from my previous marriage .

Ss works full time and earns £18k. He was paying £150 a month for rent, food and bills. When we moved 3 months ago dp said he would ask ss for an increase in this to £300 as the mortgage increased. He is still paying £150. He works from home now so that has cut petrol and he is eating lunch here every day plus his girlfriend stays every other weekend.
I am becoming increasingly naffed off with dp for not asking for the extra money. Council tax alone is £ 210 a month so £70 per adult, so in effect he is paying £20 a week for everything. Am I being unreasonable to be getting hacked off and what can I do??

OP posts:
Joffmognum · 22/05/2017 18:44

My mum increase my rent to £100/week once, but that was when she needed money for a divorce and otherwise wouldn't have got by. I feel if you've moved to a bigger you're not in a position of financial hardship.

If you don't want him to live with you, ask him to move out.

FeedTheSharkAndItWillBite · 22/05/2017 18:47

A fairly decent contribution if you need the money.
A token contribution and some money saved for their own place, eventually.

Yup. I imagine his room is still similarly sized/the move wasn't done out of consideration for him?

You decided to move, he isn't required to pay more because your mortage increased imo.

I think you could ask him to do some chores, cook, do some gardening etc.

But yes, unless this is a massive dripfeed? YABU.
He is paying you an imo reasonable amount and is probaly (?) saving for something?

StickThatInYourPipe · 22/05/2017 18:48

TBH, I might be biased as my parents only took a token payment off me for board so I find it odd that people should want high payments off their children

That's exactly how I feel about this!

MrsSpenserGregson · 22/05/2017 18:49

If it's any help:

when I graduated I got a job earning £20k. My rent alone was £450. I paid for bills and food on top of this. I still had plenty of money left over each month.

£150 for rent alone is really really cheap!

I'm always bemused when people think that parents should still be subsidising their adult offspring who work fulltime but maybe I'm just a heartless cow......

viques · 22/05/2017 18:50

The fact that your mortgage has increased is not the issue. The issue is that he is only paying about £33 a week taken over a year for what I assume is full board. This is clearly a ridiculous sum , especially when you start to factor in broadband and utilities, not to mention the girlfriend staying over at weekends, at eight days every two months this is the same as her staying for over a week at yours for free!

Dont mention the mortgage, mention him paying a fair rent . Even if you did double his rent it would still be a bargain by anyone's standard.

And the working from home is another issue, is it his own business or is he employed? Why should you be picking up the utility bills for his employer?

you, your OH and your SS need to have a long and serious financial chat. He is not a teenager, he is 21 so deserves to be treated as an adult and to accept adult responsibilities.

EweAreHere · 22/05/2017 18:50

I doubt that even covers the food he's eating if he's 3x a day at home, plus snacks etc.

£300 per month is not unreasonable, it's cheap. Why isn't your DH making him pay the £300 that was agreed.

user1495025590 · 22/05/2017 18:54

You said your DP said he was going to ask SS for more rent, but whose IDEA was it yours or his? Have you been pestering/moaning at your DP about the amount his son pays?

StickThatInYourPipe · 22/05/2017 18:54

The main issue you are going to have here OP is your DH blaming you for this and this causing a rift in the family. Especially as it will be seen as you trying to make money off of his child

StickThatInYourPipe · 22/05/2017 18:56

cheap. Why isn't your DH making him pay the £300 that was agreed.

I don't think it was agreed, the £150 was. Then OP moved to a bigger house and asked DH to double the rent. I don't think the SS has been spoken to yet

Foxysoxy01 · 22/05/2017 18:56

Yabu to expect him to cover the cost of your increased mortgage UNLESS he had a say in which house your were buying.

Yanbu to expect an amount that covers what he actually costs you a month.

I would suggest you write down what he actually costs in food/heating/water his share of council tax etc so he can see the break down.

It really isn't his problem you chose to buy a bigger house with a larger mortgage and it is unfair to expect him to help you pay off YOUR mortgage.

FrancisCrawford · 22/05/2017 18:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Leanback · 22/05/2017 19:02

18k a year does not equate to a take away pay of 1.5k a month.

I agree it's steep to double what he's paying because your mortgage has gone up. I also think 300 is a lot to charge you don't need the money. Most people in the early twenties I know who live at home pay about 150 a month in rent. They do pay for their own food - maybe ask for a contribution towards food shops especially if his girlfriend is eating your food most weekends.

And remember the more you charge the longer it'll take him to save up and move out.

Gabilan · 22/05/2017 19:05

If he moved out, you'd be even worse off

I doubt it. A 21 year old there all day, eating every meal there, with his girlfriend there EOW. Factor in extra for bills and he's barely covering his costs, if that.

Why not up it to 200pcm and ask him to put aside at least another 100pcm in savings? His monthly take home is just shy of 1300 so that would leave him with £1k a month after all household bills paid.

LagunaBubbles · 22/05/2017 19:06

I don't think it's fair to ask for that much if an increase just because you and your DH chose a house with a bigger mortgage. And I truly believe in adult children paying dig money to.

DailyMailReadersAreThick · 22/05/2017 19:10

£300/mo would still be more than reasonable. It's only about 1/4 of his take home pay, leaving him £900/mo to spend or save. A hell of a lot more than many adults have leftover a month!

Original poster
Workitbabe · 22/05/2017 19:11

Ss has the same sized room as the old house. A decent sized double with en-suite shower. He is employed byou a company but he works from home every day.
Dp was the one who said he would increase the rent. Not me. I still.think £150 all in is really cheap.

OP posts:
AnnieAnoniMouse · 22/05/2017 19:12

My Goddaughter lives with us sometimes, she's 26. She pays nothing.

When I was younger I lived with my Aunt on & off I paid nothing.

If I lived with my Mum now I'd pay nothing.

When my Mum comes to stay with us for 3 months, she pays nothing.

Family & Friends we don't charge each other to live in each other's homes.

Your mortgage is the same whether your SS is there or not.

If you need the money, then a contribution to food is reasonable, other than that, I don't agree with charging the younger generation to live with you, unless you really, really need the money & they're earning a good wage - basically if you're living as flatmates.

FeedTheSharkAndItWillBite · 22/05/2017 19:13

I think contributions are very reasonable if you need the money.

But if you don't? I just don't think that family is where you should "earn money"/that should allow you to afford more than you usually would...

19lottie82 · 22/05/2017 19:15

£150 is £5 a day - I fully expects it costs the OP and her DH more than that to feed a 21 year old lad.

user1487941567 · 22/05/2017 19:17

The mortgage is your financial responsibility, not his. If he was renting a room in a flat share the landlord couldn't say "well I've taken out a bigger loan so i need more off you"

However £150 is cheap so increase if you need to, but not because you decided to borrow a larger amount for the mortgage.

Gabilan · 22/05/2017 19:17

Family & Friends we don't charge each other to live in each other's homes

He's 21. He's an adult with a full time job and a wage that brings in 1300pcm. Paying nothing isn't going to help him learn to be responsible with money or realise how much things cost.

And if I went to live with my mum now I'd sure as hell pay her. She's a pensioner. Why on earth should she sub me? Ditto with friends. I don't expect to freeload off them. Stay a night or two, yes. Live there for free? Nope.

OhhBetty · 22/05/2017 19:17

What is he doing with all his money? I don't think it's fair if he's just spending it all. 150 is so so cheap. I'm not suggesting making a profit from him but I highly doubt it is covering his share of expenses. Could you work it all out?

user1487941567 · 22/05/2017 19:19

£1125 is roughly his take home pay.

19lottie82 · 22/05/2017 19:21

I agree with he shouldn't be paying towards the mortgage but a fair amount is the total of the household bills divided by the number of people in the house, apart from council tax which is split between eligible adults.

So 1/5 of gas, electric, water, tv package phone line, groceries, internet ect PLUS 1/3 of council tax.

Gabilan · 22/05/2017 19:21

According to the Salary Calculator it's 1293pcm without pension payments or loan repayments.