To think this is thoughtless and unfair

[redpickle]

DD aged 9 does an after school club, which she has done all this school year. It's been great and has really built her confidence. Its performing arts and she loves it.

MIL knows the teacher who runs the club and has text me today that she will be 'helping' every week from now on as she has some interests and experience in this area.

I feel that she is intruding on DDs club and I know that her being there will make DD more self conscious and a bit embarrassed in front of her friends. Imagine Grandma turning up to your club!! She hate us seeing her rehearse so I know it will change the dynamic for her.

AIBU to think she should have asked DD or me or DH if DD will mind her involvement. I'm just worried she won't want to do it anymore and this will kill the joy of this club for her.

I love my MIL but I think she's overstepped here. DH agrees but thinks it's DDs place to say if she minds - which she never will because she hates upsetting anyone. Advice please.

I would ask mil not to, as it will make dd self conscious.
I don't know what it is with some gps - they act like they are the parents sometimes and seem to have no social awareness that this is inappropriate and they are overstepping.
Your dh is wrong to make this your dd's problem to deal with. If he can't tell his mum it is a problem, how can he expect a 9 year old to speak up.

Um. If the teacher running the club will benefit from the extra help, so more children get to join / they can put on more shows etc then that is a bit unreasonable.
Also consider the teacher may have asked MIL to help independently?
Hopefully the confidence gains DD has made this year will help her style this out.
I might think about having a word with MIL (or getting DH to do so) to the effect that she'll have to be absolutely professional in this situation and not single out or embarrass DD.

Ask your daughter about it. Talk then to MIL with your DH. However if this is something MIL wants to do because she has experience, and she thinks she can contribute, why not? You could (if she has acting experience) just ask her to coach DD at home but not overwhelm her at the class.

If the teacher running the club would lime the help, then I don't think you should interfere. I'm not sure that it will spoil your dd's enjoyment in any material way.

I would ask dd what she thinks. However, I do think it is a bit off of you mil to agree to this without checking with you first.

My mother has skills that she has used to contribute to some stuff my kids have done. However, it has always either been at our request or she has asked me first whether I thought it was a good idea. It was a good idea for one of mine but not the other (different personalities) and she had no problem with accepting that.

Tell her dd will be addressing her by her name and not gm during the session!!

It's not about the teacher needing extra help - the club has run for years with the two staff there and all clubs have a max of 25 which is not changing.

Find out what your dd thinks about it before you jump in. It may not bother her. If it does, then bring it up with MIL.

I wouldn't like this. Children are always different when they are with other people, they need to have these little freedoms away from the adults in their lives. Check with your DD then get your DH to tell his mum it will ruin it for DD with family there and she will be far too polite to say so (in case granny thinks she can ask DD direct and get the answer she wants).

I feel like I am so against the grain with MN regarding GPs as I would go to lengths to facilitate these relationships.
You said your DD has been more confident, so although you fear this will make her nervous, surely it is just as possible she will get confident infront of MIL and then potentially be a boost to their relationship?
I can't see an issue with "Grandma turning up at your club" more than "Parent helping out at a club" or Aunt/Uncle/ neighbour etc

YABU

The sports that my sons do couldn't run without parent and grandparent involvement. The children don't have any issues with it and soon get over any embarrassment they might feel.

It won't be an issue if you don't make it one

That's my thinking mypatronus - the whole point was for her to have a space to 'express herself' without parents/gps/siblings around and it feels like a hijack.

I also think sports are different. It's all that 'pretend to be a tree' stuff which is embarrassing enough!

I'd ask her not to go as I totally see where you are coming from god my kids would be so embarrassed !!

I agree with you OP. My DD would not want that as her clubs are her time to be independent and stretch her wings without family. At 9yo that's a normal way to feel.

I would check with DD first but then I would ask MIL not to do this and to respect DD's right to not be intruded on.

I agree with you, it's extremely intrusive and potentially limiting for your daughter because she'll be so conscious of being watched and possibly embarrassed of her being there in front of her friends. Kids need space to be themselves without parents or other family around. I'd explain that to her and tell her it's not acceptable to intrude on her like that.

I also agree with you. My older child does an after school activity and hates showing me what she's learned or even talking about what they do in the club. She is a very self conscious kid, and even though she knows I'm totally supportive she would rather keep what she learns and experiences private. I totally respect that and I really like that she has a time and a place to express herself without feeling self conscious.

I agree OP, and even if DD said she didn't mind I'd still agree that it would potentially change the dynamic of her participating... but I'd be ask DH to deal with MIL

Does mol see much of Dd? Is she wanting to spend more time with her?

Could you not say something like 'it would change the dynamic if you helped at the group, but could you give her some 1:1 coaching instead?'

I would hate it. I think there is a huge difference between something like sports where it's the norm to have parental/grandparent involvement and something like this where it will just be your DD who has a family member present.

Urgh, I totally agree with you OP. She needs a space where she can feel free to express herself, a GP being there will make her self-conscious.

I too have one DC who hates any blurring of the lines between family and his own life. It's fine to help with associated adult activities like PTA or the governing body but anything involving him personally needs a big step back, preferably about two hundred miles back, according to him.

I agree with you OP -- totally thoughtless of MIL who has probably forgotten what it's like to be young and self conscious ( some of us never totally get over it).
Does the organiser have other groups meeting at other schools? If so then suggest MIL helps out with other groups.
Good luck

Can she join a drama class outside school?

Has she got a dbs clearance ( or whatever it's called now ) as that may scupper her for a couple of weeks . Also it's only a few weeks until the end of term and then your dd can make a decision about whether she still wants to sign up for next year if granny is going to be there.