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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this is thoughtless and unfair

48 replies

redpickle · 22/05/2017 14:24

DD aged 9 does an after school club, which she has done all this school year. It's been great and has really built her confidence. Its performing arts and she loves it.

MIL knows the teacher who runs the club and has text me today that she will be 'helping' every week from now on as she has some interests and experience in this area.

I feel that she is intruding on DDs club and I know that her being there will make DD more self conscious and a bit embarrassed in front of her friends. Imagine Grandma turning up to your club!! She hate us seeing her rehearse so I know it will change the dynamic for her.

AIBU to think she should have asked DD or me or DH if DD will mind her involvement. I'm just worried she won't want to do it anymore and this will kill the joy of this club for her.

I love my MIL but I think she's overstepped here. DH agrees but thinks it's DDs place to say if she minds - which she never will because she hates upsetting anyone. Advice please.

OP posts:

Witchend · 22/05/2017 16:03

I think it depends on whether the leader of the club has gone to your mil and said "I'd really appreciate your help" or your mil has gone to them and said "I want to help because dgd is in the club".

If the former, I think you have to suck it up because they've asked because for whatever reason they want more help. Ultimately they may say they're prefer not to have your dd if they get your mil instead.

If it's the latter, then no it's not fair. it does change the dynamics of a group plus you get the "favouritism" or the being harder.
You can guarantee that if your dd gets offered any part bigger than average it will immediately be put down by other parents to your mil and resented.
Or your mil might want to make sure that doesn't happen so make sure she's never about child number 3 in the chorus.

BabytoBoris · 22/05/2017 16:10

I think it's a really bad idea for your mil to do this. Someone needs to tell her this is your DDs thing and that family need to respect her independence.

Ceto · 22/05/2017 16:14

DH is wrong, you really cannot leave this to a 9 year old child. If you really don't feel she wants it, DH probably needs to be the one to step in and say that you fully understand her good intentions but DD is going to feel self-conscious with any family member around and would she mind finding another more indirect way to help - e.g. with props and costumes or something similar?

AnnetteCurtains · 22/05/2017 16:15

I agree with you 100 % OP

Nocabbageinmyeye · 22/05/2017 16:21

Definitely with you on this op and I would say the same with any relation not just mil. I would say it to her, or rather get your dh to, just do it nicely as she probably just hasn't thought it through and may think she is being nice. Have you spoken to your dd about it?

Nocabbageinmyeye · 22/05/2017 16:22

And yes your dh is very wrong to leave it up a 9 year old to deal with, that's a total cop out

bugaboo218 · 22/05/2017 16:38

YABU

You haven't any right to dictate what your MIL does in her free time! Your DD may not like Grandma being at club and I understand that, but if MIL chooses to go ahead there is not a lot you can to about it. MIL is not directly interfering with your parenting here, so you do not get to tell her what she can and cannot do. If I was your MIL and you discussed this situation with me and tried to stop me volunteering I would not be happy nor would I have DIL suggesting how I should spend my time.

ThePurpleOneWithTheNut · 22/05/2017 16:43

I agree with you too op. This is my mil to a tee, she just won't stand back and let anyone have some space if she can swoop in and get over-involved.

Always with good intentions as I've reminded myself through gritted teeth over the years. But as dc have got older they now veer away from letting her know what's going on because she steams in.

Original poster

redpickle · 22/05/2017 17:33

I told her - was as positive as possible but her face dropped. I said give it a go for one session and if she's not happy, DH will have a word. This was his idea. He says he will speak to her but wants DD to give it a try first.

Bugaboo - I know she has the RIGHT to do what she wants with HER time but I would hope that sensitivity to her GDs space, feelings and happiness would be more important to her than exercising her RIGHTS to spend her time how she wishes. Bit sad if she thinks that trumps her 9yo GDs needs. I'm sure she could volunteer elsewhere - why does it have to be this.

OP posts:

HarrietVane99 · 22/05/2017 18:11

I wonder if the teacher who runs the club in HER time thinks that SHE is the person who has the RIGHT to decide who helps out for the benefit of all the club members, and a child doesn't get a veto.

Still, after this you probably won't ever have to worry about mil encroaching on your dd's space again.

theymademejoin · 22/05/2017 18:14

Harriet - of course the teacher has the right to decide who helps her. However, I would still expect any sort of decent grandmother to take the feelings of her grandchild into account before agreeing to do it. And that's assuming she was asked rather than she volunteered.

Cuppaoftea · 22/05/2017 18:43

Your DH is wrong to suggest she tries it with Grandma for one session. That is putting your DD in an awful position if she finds it difficult, more hurtful to MIL and more difficult to explain to the teacher and other parents and pupils if MIL doesn't return. If she is introduced to the other pupils etc it's out of your hands I think whereas now noone else will know MIL was ever meant to start if she agrees to leave it and volunteer elsewhere.

He needs to pick up the phone and deal with this now, tell him to stop copping out and caring more about his own feelings of awkwardness than his daughters confidence being badly knocked. Her reaction has told you all you need to know.

BarbarianMum · 22/05/2017 18:51

So she's not a decent grandma now? Maybe she didn't know you had the right to veto her provate arrangements with a friend?

theymademejoin · 22/05/2017 18:51

Agree cuppa. Telling your daughter to try out one session puts her in a more awkward position as she then needs to say she specifically didn't like her gm there as opposed to bit looking the idea in principle. Your dh is being very unfair to your dd and is putting his mother's desires ahead of his daughter.

theymademejoin · 22/05/2017 18:52

Not liking rather than bit looking!

GloriousGoosebumps · 22/05/2017 18:57

It's such a shame that even when you've pointed out that dd will find it difficult to have her gm volunteering at the drama class, mil can't see things from dd's point of view. As for giving it a try for one session, one class isn't much of a test. Do you mean one term? In any event, no 9 year old is ever going to be able to tell her gm that she doesn't want her there. It might be time to look for another drama club.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 22/05/2017 19:00

I wouldn't even let the one session happen.

DD will feel obliged to say it was fine, whether she's happy or not.

It's her own private space, keep it that way for her, don't make her responsible for doing that.

I loved my Nana to bits, I'd have moved in with her and never left her side if you'd have let me, but it would still have changed the dynamics of the activities I did alone. Kids need space to be themselves with a parent or grandparent hovering about.

ScarlettFreestone · 22/05/2017 19:01

I would see how it goes. Start researching alternative clubs in the area. If your DD finds it intrusive then switch her to another group.

123rd · 22/05/2017 19:03

Sorry not read the whole thread buy can MIL find another class's to help out with. Or different day ?

grannytomine · 22/05/2017 19:11

Depends on your daughter I think. I have two GC at school, others who are younger. I help out at school with the younger one's class, he loves it. When I said I was going to drop it this year he was upset. All of his friends know me and at Christmas mums and dads were asked to volunteer to help with Christmas party, he asked me to help and I was the only GP there. Again he loved it particularly as his friends were all trying to get me to do dabs and having hysterics if I did. His older brother would die of embarrassment. I'm still me, the difference is how they feel.

theymademejoin · 22/05/2017 21:35

Barbarian - I presume your comment re decent grandmother was addressed to me.

I have no idea whether she is generally a decent gm or not but I stand by my statement that I would expect a decent gm to take her gc's feelings into account before making a decision to do something like this. If she really wanted to help out at a drama class, I'm sure there are plenty of other classes at which she could volunteer.

shinyredbus · 22/05/2017 21:39

I would speak to mil - something similar happened to my sister and the outcome was not good.

Saharah · 22/05/2017 22:00

YANBU.

She knows she's encroaching it's totally inappropriate and will likely make your DD feel self conscious. I wouldn't make her give it a go for one session I would be completely honest and open with MIL right now before it gets going.

It's awkward but she's forced you into this position.

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