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Original poster

When to stop inviting 'friends' when invitation never reciprocated

76 replies

thelightisrising · 22/05/2017 14:07

I am having debate with my DH about this. We have a group of school mum and dad friends, who we socialise with a fair amount, as a group and individually. It's all normal reciprocal stuff, no stress, we sometimes go over to other families, they sometimes come to ours.

Apart from one couple who have been to our place on many occasions over the past four or five years, and always accept invitations. But they have never once invited us back. I should add that this is not because they are unsociable or don't invite any of the rest of our mates over - far from it, I know that they do.

I am genuinely not hurt or upset about this - I think it might be because my DH gets on really well with him but she is not so keen on me. That's really OK. But I can't help feeling that it starts looking a bit desperate to keep on inviting them over - I guess if I regularly went to someone else's house and never invited them back the only explanation would be that I'm not that bothered about spending time with them. I'd also think I was being just a little bit rude!

I am asking because it is my DH's birthday soon and he wants to invite the 'normal' lot, including them. I think it might be time not to, but then on the other hand, it would look sort of petty if we don't. In fact, writing this I know that it IS quite petty! But just curious to see what people think?

OP posts:
KERALA1 · 22/05/2017 18:40

Are you me op? We had exactly this. Problem is if we didn't invite them to group things it would make us look petty. More important to me to maintain a pleasant friendship group than score points. We only invite them to whole group things where everyone brings a plate and some wine - never for dinner as got to 4 dinners at ours with no reciprocation Dh put his foot down he calls them the freeloaders.

I think it's jealousy Grin joke

biggles50 · 22/05/2017 20:46

I'd be completely honest with them if they questioned you or your friends. Oh yes we stopped inviting you because you never reciprocated, it's not a problem but I felt a bit pathetic and needy.

MrsDesireeCarthorse · 22/05/2017 20:56

I wouldn't invite them because I would assume by now that they don't actually want to be friends anyway.

maggiethemagpie · 22/05/2017 20:57

I had a friend like this. Never reciprocates.. used to when we were younger but now (post DC) it just never happens. I got sick of being the one to always organise things and invite her round and it just ended up eroding the friendship and making me resentful.

The cherry on the cake was when, after always inviting her daughter to my daughter's birthday party (they are the same age) she did not return the favour last year and I thought, doing it to me is one thing but you're not doing it to my child too!

We rarely see each other now but we are still tentatively in touch. I don't really miss the hassle of it to be honest. I think it just made me so resentful that the friendship was doomed anyway. Once you start to feel resentful, the only real option is to walk away.

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 22/05/2017 21:08

It is difficult.

In our social group there are 6 couple. 4 couples mix all the time, the other two couples socialise together all the time but are part of the extended group. All the men do sport together. In the group of 2 couples, the women are very close BUT one is an alcoholic and is an absolute trial when out. We (the 4 couples) will not ever go to her house again and will as far as possible avoid any events where she is present - but it does make it difficult.

mummymummums · 22/05/2017 21:35

I could have written this OP. Same happened to us - we were in a group of 4 families but we were last on the scene. We went to everyone's houses, except one couple, and hosted multiple times ourselves, always for everyone.
Over three years we never once received an invite to this couple's place, but by accident we found out about a couple of hush hush get togethers at theirs that we weren't included for. They came to us at least 8 times!
It occurred to me far too late, and by the time we realised how obvious the snub was it was too late. We made the decision not to invite them again at the same time as they moved 100 miles away!
Again I believe it was the wife not being fond of me, I think it was because we were last on the scene to an established group and she didn't want newcomers.
Was hurtful, but it won't be happening again! I just wish we'd realised sooner and stopped hosting them as I just feel a mug now.

honeyroar · 22/05/2017 21:42

Our neighbours are like this. I always invited them to our parties/wedding etc, but one day they had a big posh party and didn't invite us (despite asking my husband and dad to help put the little marquee/tent up and help with electrics as they are hopelessly unpractical). It was like they'd socialise with our friends but we weren't posh enough for their dos (they are very flash/posey and we are down to earth). I didn't invite them to our next event (annual big bonfire party) but they just waltzed in as usual (empty handed as usual too)! I felt guilty for excluding their kids, so now invite them on the day "if they're around". I'm very tempted to swan into their parties uninvited, but I couldn't bring myself to be so rude!!

KERALA1 · 22/05/2017 22:46

Honey roar Shock at their brass neck!

I think some couples have a weirdly inflated view of their own importance and think you are genuinely fortunate to be graced with their presence so they don't need to reciprocate . Maddening !

SomewhatIdiosyncratic · 22/05/2017 23:13

I've had a similar kind of friendship fizzle after we stopped making all the effort. In our defence we lost their phone numbers after some mobile problems in close succession. They hadn't sent their new address after a move and didn't engage with social media which made it harder to maintain effort than with the rest of the group, and it didn't feel worth the bother for their company any more. The friendship had felt one way for some time and they were the check every penny types at a meal when everyone else rounds off a bit and makes sure there's a fair tip. They'd accept invitations at the last minute, and on several occasions bail out causing inconvenience. It felt very much that we were socially convenient in the absence of anything better.

Some friendships will have a bias in organisation, but worth it for the company.

emmyrose2000 · 23/05/2017 04:15

I wouldn't invite to the birthday party or anything else.

Life's too short to bother being a doormat to rude users like that.

RaeSkywalker · 23/05/2017 04:35

I think I'd probably invite them over for your DH's birthday.

Sorry if I've missed someone else asking this (I have RTFT, just massively sleep deprived)- do you ever have them over individually/ as part of a smaller group? If so, I'd definitely stop that.

user1491572121 · 23/05/2017 05:11

Perhps they can't afford to host or are ashamed of their home.

emmyrose2000 · 23/05/2017 06:55

I don't generally keep score on who is reciprocating and who is not, but deliberate exclusion when they're hosting others in the same social group is another thing entirely. If I became aware of that, I'd immediately stop all invitations to the people/person involved.

NotHotDogMum · 23/05/2017 07:12

I'd invite them for DH birthday (as not doing so would make a statement and perhaps be awkward for the group)

But after that I'd stop inviting them.

They are sending a message loud and clear that they do not consider you to be friends, it's not appropriate to ask them over when clearly they don't want to socialise with you (they probably come along because some of their friends will be there).

Only1scoop · 23/05/2017 07:18

I'd make sure the invite for this goes to her DH via your DH.
Then I'd stop inviting TBH.

Trollspoopglitter · 23/05/2017 07:20

I don't mean for this to come across the wrong way, but why do you feel the need to socialise as couples if you and the other woman aren't naturally drawn to one another as friends? Why can't your husband continue to maintain a friendship with the other man and invite him (to come over and watch game or fly fishing or whatever common hobby they have) while specifically saying you will be out for the evening.

MaisyPops · 23/05/2017 07:23

They sound like piss takers.

One of our friends always hosts because they love hosting. There's a few of us couples who don't mind hosting but they have a bigger living space and we live a bit more out in the sticks. So the way it works in our group is friend and DH host most of the time (other than meals out etc) and then we all bring something along like a side dish or a pudding. Sort of balances it out.

Coastalcommand · 23/05/2017 07:25

Our friends are brilliant hosts. The wife cooks amazingly well, everything from scratch, and the husband has made them a beautiful home. I'm aware that by comparison our renovation project house (which has taken us 3 years and ongoing) is nowhere near as comfortable and my cooking is nowhere near as good. I'd love to invite them over but i worry we wouldn't be able to host as well as they do.
This thread has made me realise we need to but the bullet! Thank you.

Chloe84 · 23/05/2017 07:37

I wouldn't invite to the birthday party or anything else.

Life's too short to bother being a doormat to rude users like that.

This ^

This thread was making me 😲 at all the posters encouraging OP to continue to be a mug.

This couple are deliberately excluding OP and her DH whilst having the rest of the group over and so many people are bending over backwards to make excuses for them. Just no.

GiraffeorOcelot · 23/05/2017 07:49

coastal bite the bullet and do it! We live in a nice house and regularly host but would welcome an invite somewhere else, I don't care what anyone's house is like as long as it is clean enough to eat in! (Normally clean not ultra clean!)

user1491572121 · 23/05/2017 07:56

Coastal same here. Our friends cook like pros and their home is better than ours in many ways. We always feel abit crappy about inviting them here,

We have done...but we're aware they don't wax lyrical about the food etc...we compliment them though.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 23/05/2017 09:27

"I wouldn't invite to the birthday party or anything else.

Life's too short to bother being a doormat to rude users like that."

^ Well said, totally agree with this sentiment.^

KC225 · 23/05/2017 09:38

I would do invite them to your DH's do as it's his birthday and he likes the guy but after that I would stop inviting them over. Say to your DH you the wife 'hard work' and it feels awkward, you have given it a good try but he needs to start socialising with the DH on his own ie drink, run hobby type thing.

If anyone in the group asks, you are perfectly ok to say 'we don't have much in common' but it's fine to meet and parties at parties etc and be cordial.

Aeroflotgirl · 23/05/2017 11:12

Exactly, why shod op suck it up,they are rude, a) not reciprocating b) inviting everyone else, but op and her dh. If op husband likes her husband, they can meet separately. It's not petty, it's called taking no crap!

Elvisrocks · 24/05/2017 03:07

We have friends who years ago we hosted a few times and they never reciprocated so we stopped inviting them over and just met for dinner at restaurants instead or picnics. The friendship survived because there was a genuine friendship there and the couple in question were lovely but just didn't like cooking for others (it later emerged). If there hadn't have been a true friendship in place, we would have had no qualms about stopping the invites and cutting the friendship.
I also always remember my mum moaning about someone who they used to invite to their annual BBQ and other dos who never reciprocated. Her view was that even if he can't cook, he ought to have taken them out for dinner now and then to say thank you but he had never done so. They stopped asking him.