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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

When to stop inviting 'friends' when invitation never reciprocated

76 replies

thelightisrising · 22/05/2017 14:07

I am having debate with my DH about this. We have a group of school mum and dad friends, who we socialise with a fair amount, as a group and individually. It's all normal reciprocal stuff, no stress, we sometimes go over to other families, they sometimes come to ours.

Apart from one couple who have been to our place on many occasions over the past four or five years, and always accept invitations. But they have never once invited us back. I should add that this is not because they are unsociable or don't invite any of the rest of our mates over - far from it, I know that they do.

I am genuinely not hurt or upset about this - I think it might be because my DH gets on really well with him but she is not so keen on me. That's really OK. But I can't help feeling that it starts looking a bit desperate to keep on inviting them over - I guess if I regularly went to someone else's house and never invited them back the only explanation would be that I'm not that bothered about spending time with them. I'd also think I was being just a little bit rude!

I am asking because it is my DH's birthday soon and he wants to invite the 'normal' lot, including them. I think it might be time not to, but then on the other hand, it would look sort of petty if we don't. In fact, writing this I know that it IS quite petty! But just curious to see what people think?

OP posts:
ScarlettFreestone · 22/05/2017 15:09

I think I'd quietly have a word with someone else in the group to find out if there is a specific reason behind them excluding only you (and everyone else being ok with that).

Depending on the answer I wouldn't feel bad about not always including them.

If DH wanted them there for his birthday fine but I'd adjust guest lists after that.

It's not about reciprocity it's about being excluded from the group.

EssentialHummus · 22/05/2017 15:17

I think I'd quietly have a word with someone else in the group to find out if there is a specific reason behind them excluding only you (and everyone else being ok with that).

Yup, agreed.

Like a PP I'm wondering about their perception of your view of their home. (We're relatively high earners but still live in the - frankly, beautiful - ex-council flat I bought as a trainee lawyer. The friend of DH's who gasped "But that's for people who don't work!" when she found out what I'd bought doesn't get many invites Grin.)

Original poster
thelightisrising · 22/05/2017 15:17

Oh my goodness chrispratts. I don't think we are judgemental. I think we are quite nice - our other friends seem to think we're OK! And their house is very beautiful anyway (I've seen it once!) If anything, I would be embarrassed about them coming here, as our house is comparatively a mess. But I don't really care!

OP posts:
MickeyRooney · 22/05/2017 15:20

I wouldn't invite them any more. they're happy to exclude you, so lets see how they like it in return.
that's very petty of me i know, but i wouldn't like being continuously snubbed.

SummerMummy88 · 22/05/2017 15:29

Don't judge yourself by anybody else's standards, you carry on being kind and keep inviting them if they are your friends and you want to socialise with them, you don't invite people to be invited back you do it because you are kind and wanted to invite them. Friendship isn't tic for tac.
I invite my SIL all the time and she has had many meals at my house I have never ate at hers in the ten years I have known her. She has her own reasons maybe she can not afford the good or maybe she is ashamed or her home.

Dancergirl · 22/05/2017 15:30

Just invite them, how petty. What does it matter whose house it is??

No wonder our children have all these friendship issues if they see such pettiness going on.

We've had people round who have not invited us back. So what? It could be for any number of reasons. It's no big deal.

redshoeblueshoe · 22/05/2017 15:34

Dancer - why on earth would you invite someone who clearly doesn't like you ?

ScarlettFreestone · 22/05/2017 15:35

Dancer I think there's a clear difference between "the Smith's never host" (which is fine, not everyone can/likes to host) and "the Smith's host everyone except us".

If there's a friendship group of say 5 couples and the Smiths always exclude lightisrising and her DH that's worth some consideration.

Dancergirl · 22/05/2017 15:47

But the OPs dh gets on well with the husband. If you start excluding them you're making this into a huge issue.

TheVeryThing · 22/05/2017 15:53

But is the other couple not making into a huge issue by not inviting op?
Why is it ok for them to exclude and not the op?
I'm fairly laid back but I would draw the line at continuing to extend the hand of friendship to someone who is clearly not bothered about being friends with me.

ScarlettFreestone · 22/05/2017 15:55

Dancer why isn't his friend inviting him round then?

And it won't be a big issue.

If the couple in question invite everyone in the group except light they can hardly complain if light and her DH invite everyone except them.

You aren't entitled to an invitation to someone's house but equally they aren't entitled to an invitation to yours.

I like to entertain and don't mind if other people prefer to be guests than hosts. I don't keep track of invitations. But I would be annoyed if it was just me they didn't host within the group. It's never a great thing to be a doormat.

redshoeblueshoe · 22/05/2017 15:55

No its the other couple who've made it into a big issue by not inviting them.
I don't invite people round who I don't like - why would I ?
If I had a friend who made it clear they didn't like my DH then I would be thinking very carefully about our friendship.

MissHemsworth · 22/05/2017 16:03

When you are in a group situation how is she with you? Does she make much effort to speak to you? Maybe invite them to DHs b'day but make it the last time. Have you thought about messaging her directly & asking if there is something wrong?

KeiraKnightleyActsWithHerTeeth · 22/05/2017 16:36

How regular are the events at their house that you are being excused from?

SkyBluePinkToday · 22/05/2017 17:21

They obviously have no concerns about your feelings if they always leave you out.
Bin 'em.
Life's too short to waste your time entertaining people who don't like you.

Original poster
thelightisrising · 22/05/2017 17:31

I have no idea Keira. All I know is that they have other members of the group over, and in four or five years of 'friendship' during which they have come to our place lots of times, they have never invited us over at all!

I don't think I would ask her if anything is wrong, can't imagine how that conversation would go.

Hmmm. I'll ask DH again tonight. This time it can be his decision but after that ... never again!!!! They'll be sorry ... except, probably not!

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 22/05/2017 17:43

I personally would not invite them, and treat them how they treat you from now on. Just invite one at a time to your house, of two at a time, and leave them out. So they are happy to be fed and watered by you, but your not good enough for them to invite, rude rude rude!

Aeroflotgirl · 22/05/2017 17:45

Or for your dh birthday, invite all of them away from the home, to a restaurant for a meal, each pays their own way kind of thing.

MasuMara · 22/05/2017 17:50

It's your dh's birthday so let him decide.

After that then stop inviting them.

I think to exclude them at the point of a birthday and not just a social gathering gives a big statement.

PeterGriffinsPenisBeaker · 22/05/2017 17:57

I've dropped 'friends' in this kind of situation before. Very therapeutic and I felt much less resentful of them drinking my wine and eating my food when I knew it wasn't being reciprocated.

It was the best thing I did, I felt like I was taking back power within the friendship. Suffice to say, the so-called friendship petered out within a few months.

Don't be used as their excuse to socialise at the expense of your time, effort and wine OP. Just forget to invite them and move on.

redshoeblueshoe · 22/05/2017 17:57

Maybe your DH should ask her DH why you've never been invited round. If he won't ask him then they don't get invited.
If he says she can't stand the light they don't get invited.
If he says surely you have been they don't get invited.
No way would they be invited to my house

pistachioandhoney · 22/05/2017 18:06

I recently invited a friends family over for dinner and really went out of my way to make it nice. My "friend" prides herself on her dinner parties and how great a chef she is. She is always telling me fancy stuff she has cooked for others. She invited us over to hers and she clearly couldn't be bothered and did a very basic meal with things she said she had thrown in to package it out as she hadn't been to the shop. She actually got a packet of Kit Kats out as dessert. I was actually quite offended as I thought that perhaps she thought me and my family are not worthy of her great meals.

I used to entertain a lot but some people didn't reciprocate. Now I only invite those who invite us back or appreciate our efforts. It costs too much money and clean up.

FlaviaAlbia · 22/05/2017 18:14

DH and I had a similar discussion earlier this week, we've decided not to invite the couple in question. It was getting awkward being told, "oh we'll have to have you up to ours after x, y or z" and it never happening.

They're nice people but it was beginning to feel like we were being taken advantage of a bit and were inviting them by habit. We'd rather invite people we see more often.

KeiraKnightleyActsWithHerTeeth · 22/05/2017 18:23

I wouldn't ask OP, it would probably make you the talk of the group, especially if she doesn't like you.
Invite everyone else, if your DH wants to specifically invite them he can do it himself.

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 22/05/2017 18:32

I would stop inviting them but invite the others as usual. Life is too short to waste time on people like that.

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