Family money?

[reluctantlondoner]

Just wondering about "family money" which gets talked about a lot on MN. When did this concept start in your relationship? DH and I are married but have no kids. We both have decent well paid jobs and earn a similar amount (I earn about 4/5 of what he does). We pay equal amounts into a joint account each month and the rest is our own money to do what we want with. Whichever of us happens to earn more at the time (DH at the moment, but it has been me in the past), pays for more treats e.g. meals out / holidays, but we never tally it up and take quite a relaxed approach to making sure things are "fair". Sometimes I will pay for a big treat item if I have just been paid, for example. This seems reasonable and fair to me. I would hate to live life in a very restricted way, having to conform to budgets etc., but I do appreciate that we are very fortunate to not have to do so currently. I like to plan and be prepared for how things might change when we have DC. Is that when "family money" becomes more important? I am likely to have a significant period of time off unpaid (or very low paid) and then will probably go back part time. I guess at some point we will have to stop contributing equally to the joint account. How did this work in your relationship and did you face any particular issues? I feel nervous about this because I have always been able to pay my way (50% or more) and when we have DC that is likely to change, which may create issues in our relationship. We live in a very expensive part of the country so mortgage is a massive outlay for us, and we have always paid this 50/50.

Oh I'm going round in circles. That wouldn't be fair if you say I want to protect my huge deposit but I earn less than you but we need to put all our income into a pot.

Perhaps just protect money given by family members?

I work on the principle that:

'What's his is mine,
What's mine's my own"

I earn decent money, DH earns about 10 times what I do. We earned roughly the same when we married, then DH's business took off. We have one joint current account, one joint savings accounts. Everything is jointly owned and accessible, regardless of who earned it.

Forgot to add - we don't have individual accounts, other than our retirement accounts.

We have a similar set up to you. We used to contribute equally to our joint account, and dh paid for more extras as he earned slightly more. When I was on maternity leave I significantly reduced my input to the joint account and it has remained this way now I am back at work as I am part time. Dh significantly increased his amount to cover the shortfall. We both have less money than we did have but the joint account amount remains as it was to ensure all bills are covered.

As soon as we moved into the house we bought we started with a joint account and everything went in there. I've been at home for 17 years nearly and earned very little but she knows I've made huge contributions as I gave up my job and he wouldn't as got as far in his. We opened a separate account for me once I had dc1 so I knew what money I had to feed and clothe us but next month we're going back to a joint account. Dh said I was meant to use the joint account if I wanted clothes, etc but I never did as he told me there was no money left after bills.

We completely pooled our finances once we bought our first flat together. I earn more so pay a fair bit more, also contributed more towards the deposit; to make up for that we will probably put one of our buy to let properties in my name only and one jointly.
We probably discuss every non-perishable purchase, but only because we saved 85% of our income for two years so needed to be organised (1 more month of that to go). By discuss I mean perhaps a one word text message.
We are going to great pains to ensure that the impact of DC on our careers is the same; we live in a country with free nurseries and split parental leave of up to 3 years, which makes it a lot easier to plan that way.

So with your concern OP... Basically I would say to your parents to only pay half what you would need.

Then say if you did split up you would (without negative equity) be guarenteed to get that half of the deposit back (minus selling fees) to return to your parents. Also if you do split you need to see a solicitor immediately. They will then calculate your 1/2 of the deposit in addition to the half you have paid in cost for the mortgage over the years and then calculate what they are going to get back for you money wise. They are not happy for you to walk away with less.

@ZaphodBeeblerox hi! 💜💜

My DH full time wages goes into our joint account and ALL bills come out of it, house, cars, kids stuff, insurances, my horses livery charge 😁. It's pretty much all taken up by that and the odd food shop coming out of it. My wages is then our spare money, we both have access to bank accounts, he never uses his debit card, doesn't even know what the pin is lol, I just make sure there's always some cash available for him at home. He's easily pleased lol.

I always think with these threads that the actual money is a red herring. It's about the people involved, and whether they're selfish, fair, generous, loving, self-centred etc.

Pick the right person and whatever your practical arrangements, you'll be fine.

We merged finances when our son was born (we are getting married in a couple of weeks so obviously weren't married then) as I didn't want to have to ask for money on mat leave and he agreed. I'm a SAHM now and all his earnings and all bills are through the joint account and that works for us, all in one pot.

We each keep a certain amount of "play" money each month. We use this for different things - DH goes out more, I buy more clothes and makeup.

Everything else goes into the joint pot and from there we pay bills, buy stuff for the kids, and save.

I save some of my play money each month, separately.

We take turns paying for treats but bigger stuff like house purchases, anniversary dinners and birthday presents for family members come out of the joint pot.

Just before we got married we got a joint current account for both of our salaries and for our bills etc. It's been 'family money' ever since. I remember often ringing my DH when I had our first DC and was on maternity to ask if I could buy this or that as I felt a bit uncomfortable at it not being 'my money'. He told he to stop being so ridiculous and just buy the thing without bothering him! I'm now a SAHM and he knows and appreciates what I do, and more importantly, never questions or begrudges anything that I spend. TBH though, I'm not sure our marriage would have lasted if he had said otherwise as I can't stand stinginess. I have had a couple of small but substantial inheritances and gifts of money over the years and these have all gone straight into our shared pot. And my mother gave us the deposit for our house as a wedding present so it isn't all one way. It may be old fashioned but we share everything.

I haven't RTFT, but we started properly with 'family money' when we officially started saving for our mortgage. Before that we paid our bills and rent as needed from which ever account.
Since saving for the mortgage all income goes into the joint account, then each month we get a set amount of 'spend' or 'pocket money' to do with as we want. We both get the same amount. Anything left over in the joint account is saved up and used as needed (by agreement of us both). We don't run everything past one another, but any big buys or anything that's for the house that would affect us both we do.

If we do have kids, I've said I'd like another bank account and for them to have the same 'spend' as we do or similar. After all excess can be saved up for bigger items (climbing frame for garden, new bikes, laptops/phones when they are older) and pay for any clubs or trips out etc. I find it easier and fairer to do it this way.

So, would it be too late for your parents to ask for their money to be ring-fenced? Then the money would technically be 'theirs', not yours. I think it would be reasonable to do that, then ownership should be 50/50.

As far as down the line, if you become a SAHM, then your 'contribution' to the household is the fact that your role permits your DH to earn enough to support the family without burdening him with 100% of domestic duties as well. You are still contributing 50% to the household in the form of 'in kind' support. Just because it's not cash money earned doesn't mean that there is no value to it. If you looked at what your DH would have to pay as a lone parent in childcare each month plus the value of a cleaner, not to mention lost time at work/lost earnings for child-related things, and I'd say you'd be making a very valuable contribution.

We have always had a joint account. So it works out if one of us isn't working for whatever reason it makes no difference we just deal with having less 'joint' money. I have been a SAHM for the last 12 years as we have two children with special needs so I look after all the applying for benefits etc. DLA, Tax credits, Carers allowance etc. Which comes to more than DH earns. So works out.

We have always had a joint account. So it works out if one of us isn't working for whatever reason it makes no difference we just deal with having less 'joint' money. I have been a SAHM for the last 12 years as we have two children with special needs so I look after all the applying for benefits etc. DLA, Tax credits, Carers allowance etc. Which comes to more than DH earns. So works out.

We have operated a family money policy since we decided to buy together. I'm the higher earner, but not by much now and there have been times when the gap was substantial and also when DP was higher earning.

How that works for us in practice is that we have individual accounts and a joint account for agreed household expenses (mortgage, bills, shopping & petrol / diesel costs mainly). We work out what's needed to cover that plus give a bit of a buffer and then transfer in so that we're both left with same amount for personal expenditure.

Savings are individual as we're more focussed on paying down the mortgage as a 'joint' project. Personal savings are more to cover e.g. redundancy.

The main reasons we do it this way are because:

• We have different money management styles: DP for example uses a credit card more but pays it off each month, whereas I tend to use a debit card for small purchases.
• We both incur work travel expenses and so can be passing large amounts through the accounts that aren't truly income, so looking at a daily balance won't give the full picture.

In the main it works for us. I do occasionally lose out a bit I suppose as I'm less of a fritterer (so I might buy something eye-wateringly expensive, but I don't have a latte habit, or a gadget habit) so will end up paying for big spends like home improvement as I'd rather do that than take on joint debt.

We always just had everything in joint accounts both when we earned the same and when I earned 10x what my husband earned. It worked fine. My parents were the same. I was married at 21 and always have worked full time even with tiny babies so we never had the depending on the other spouse phase some couples have. We also both had very similar ideas and interests in money and are both quite careful with it and desires to spend on similar things, a house, school fees, university fees etc.