Family money?

[reluctantlondoner]

Just wondering about "family money" which gets talked about a lot on MN. When did this concept start in your relationship? DH and I are married but have no kids. We both have decent well paid jobs and earn a similar amount (I earn about 4/5 of what he does). We pay equal amounts into a joint account each month and the rest is our own money to do what we want with. Whichever of us happens to earn more at the time (DH at the moment, but it has been me in the past), pays for more treats e.g. meals out / holidays, but we never tally it up and take quite a relaxed approach to making sure things are "fair". Sometimes I will pay for a big treat item if I have just been paid, for example. This seems reasonable and fair to me. I would hate to live life in a very restricted way, having to conform to budgets etc., but I do appreciate that we are very fortunate to not have to do so currently. I like to plan and be prepared for how things might change when we have DC. Is that when "family money" becomes more important? I am likely to have a significant period of time off unpaid (or very low paid) and then will probably go back part time. I guess at some point we will have to stop contributing equally to the joint account. How did this work in your relationship and did you face any particular issues? I feel nervous about this because I have always been able to pay my way (50% or more) and when we have DC that is likely to change, which may create issues in our relationship. We live in a very expensive part of the country so mortgage is a massive outlay for us, and we have always paid this 50/50.

'Family money' becomes important when you have children, and/or if one person earns considerably less than the other.
If you are in the very fortunate position of having more than enough money, it is easier to maintain separate finances.
I have been the main earner for many years now, and I could never imagine my dh having a different standard of living to me, or me 'giving' him money.
For me, it is more a state of mind than how you organise your bank accounts.
Money earned by us is for the benefit of the whole family.
In our case, the small amount of spending money left over after bills would not justify separate bank accounts, but i aaprecaite that it's not the same for everyone.

I became pregnant only 6 weeks after getting together with OP.
We pooled money from that moment.

We don't have separate accounts.
Just one pot of money.

reluctant DH owned the house we live in before we met (it was the house he bought after his divorce). Since then he had had an inheritance from his dad that paid off the mortgage.So in essence I contributed a big fat nothing to the house purchase etc. But again it is 'our house' and a few years back he put it into joint names.

But,in the same way-DH was unemployed for 8 years (his business went bust) and we had one wage all that time. I never thought of it as 'my money' or 'my wage' or 'his house'. It's all the same to us.

I owned our house - when DH (then DP) moved in he paid into the household - like rent I guess.

When he bought into the house (a big commitment to us), then all money from both of us was "ours" and went into a joint account.

I have a very very dear friend who has been married longer than I and they do the separate account thing- last year they went away to Venice, and she could only 'save' a certain amount. So she went for 5 days and her DH stayed on for a bit. That seems like madness to me though- but they are very happy and so i assume there is a subtlety there with their arrangements that I am not privy to, which makes it work for them, but I am not sure I would like that approach for myself.

We did separate accounts with one account that we both put 50/50 into each month with DC1 being at nursery and me in full time work was easy to do and had our separate spending money.

When Dc2 came along and my income took a dramatic drop we thought we could carry this on with DP putting in an almost 100% for bills and me covering food shopping/soft play/coffees etc with maternity/redundancy pay which seems fair except it was an absolute pain! He would ask for little things to get picked up without thinking about giving me extra I would have to ask for money to fix the car, he could spend huge amounts on his games console without thinking but I wouldn't like to ask for extra money for clothes and none of that was because he was mean or would say no I was just too proud and he would make an effort to be thoughtful but really no DP, even the most wonderful can guess when my foundation is about to run out and I need a new one meaning I would just go without while he spend the same amount going out with his pals none the wiser....

When it came time to do the sums about paying one lot of nursery fees plus before and after school care it looked like me returning to full time work wasn't going to benefit that family much financially (could have possible been a loss if you take into consideration, travel, parking, lunches, cleaners) and the "Bills account" HAD to change to a joint account or I would have gone mad!

Everything is easier now, I can understand that it could turn out terribly if you or your DH are controlling or easily annoyed by money stuff but if you're both chilled and see everything in your partnership as joint then it's so much easier.

It's also important for the higher earner to remember that unpaid work in a family is important and should be valued, probably easier to get that point across before you're doing the majority of childcare and housework

Money put into a house becomes joint money too. Again why marry and commit yourself to someone that you don't totally trust and want to fully share everything with?

''It's also important for the higher earner to remember that unpaid work in a family is important and should be valued, probably easier to get that point across before you're doing the majority of childcare and housework''

YY to this. This is SO important. I know that some people who continue to work full time and have a SAHP supporting them forget this. They do not realise that NOT being at the beck and call of the vagaries of childcare/illnesses/ sorting out the household is a huge luxury for them which allows them to do the longer hours, take that promotion etc. It annoys me desperately when people spit up and one partner wails;'But i worked all these years and now they are taking half my money!!!!' when they do not realise or appreciate the other partner has actually enabled them significantly.

Lump sums have just been thrown into the pot and treated as a bonus for both of us. Some have come from me and my family and some from him and his, but we decide what to do with them together.

TBH we have been together for 20 years . I am aware that things could be precarious if we had have split. We might help dc with house deposits etc. I will probably want my DC to protect those. Probably hypocritical of us. I'm aware that we have been lucky that we've a successful relationship but I've also seen friends screwed over by their seemingly decent partners so have seen things go wrong financially.

The thing is OP your arrangement works perfectly fine until you have DC... Most of the Family Money discussions on here are a result of a woman expected to continue paying her exact bills whilst on ML or that DH will not contribute to the cost of the children etc.

I agree Family Money does not work for everyone... I know a lovely girl who does this and her DH is very financially controlling and won't let her spend a penny for herself or DC.

Basically any arrangement that works for you both Works... but you need to discuss what will happen if one of you earn less money whether this be children or job related etc.

We've always had a joint account for all the bills and our own accounts for personal use. I just hate the thought that I could never buy DP a random gift from me, or buy my son something and say it's from "mummy" rather than from "daddy and I" because I don't have any money of my own anymore - it's all family money.

But we share our money, for example, DP has given me £300 this month as I had to pay for an expensive car repair which left me short. He doesn't expect to get this back, except in kind at a later date when the boot is on the other foot

It's just what works for your household I think and however you do it it has to be transparent and fair. It's the threads where the OP is earning minimum wage and her partner is earning £100,000 but he still expects her to pay for half the outgoings where things are clearly unfair and need re-evaluation.

what about if one of you put a lot more money into house deposit (e.g. Lump sum from parents). What happens to that money?
Deed of trust to reflect % ownership.

To throw something else into the mix, what about if one of you put a lot more money into house deposit (e.g. Lump sum from parents). What happens to that money?

DH has had a couple of inheritances over the years, nothing huge, totalling around £40,000. Some was spent on home improvements and the rest went into savings which, as mentioned before, are actually in my name!

I could, conceivably, completely clean him out!

Like most people, it got more formal and explicit when I went on maternity leave. Prior to that, we figured out which bills we'd each pay to have a similar amount left (him: rent/mortgage, his mobile. me: most of the rest and associated admin), but then I got a few £100s extra each month or when needed to ensure I could pay the credit card bill while not working or working part time.

Every few months we'd agree how much we could put into savings or towards things like holidays or building work. (then: quite a lot. Now: precious little...)

I could, conceivably, completely clean him out!
Me too. Most savings are in my name for tax purposes.

I guess it depends on how much you trust your DP.

We have family money, a joint account and joint credit cards which we basically buy everything on. DH works FT so earns more than me as I am PT from home. The joint credit card is paid from the joint account and all direct debits for bills come from that.

However I have a separate account for my small WFH business. I also keep a separate account where I keep a bit of money which will cover kids activities, cash spends eg charity shops, money for school trips etc. This is because DH doesn't like dealing with cash and runs the joint account practically to zero, transferring any leftover into savings until needed, which doesn't allow for the random and unexpected nature of child related monies. So I keep some money for stuff like that.

Also on this note

what about if one of you put a lot more money into house deposit (e.g. Lump sum from parents). What happens to that money?

I bought a house with an Ex and he put £21000 into the deposit and I put £7000 in the deposit. When we bought the house I asked for the ownership be split so I owned 1/4 and DP owned 3/4 however he refused.

When I left and went through the process of trying to force a sale I could have taken the full 50% of the value however I only requested my £7000 not even including legal fees. Some people would rinse the other person but not always

That's an interesting question. I think that ownership of the house should still be 50/50 based on the fact that (I assume) both partners/spouses will be paying the mortgage equally, whether from joint or separate accounts. BUT that the parents should have the opportunity of ring-fencing the amount they gave for a deposit in case of a split. My parents loaned us the money (0 interest) for our first deposit and we paid them back within a year. If it had all gone to shit before we paid them back, it was agreed that they would get their money back as first priority. I think it's a little harder if one member of a couple puts in more. On one hand, you are a couple and need to have faith in each other. On the other hand, shit does happen and you never know.

Rightwhine so this is what I am worried about. What if DH decides to run off with a 25 year old in ten years time, by which time I will have taken a massive step back career wise to enable us to have DC. I have seen this happen to many women (e.g. Parents friends) over the years. My parents gave me cash for our house deposit. I want that to always be "mine" in the event of a split (which obviously I hope never happens, just being realistic). But is it then hypocritical to want everything else to be 50/50 even if I end up bringing in a lot less (in purely financial terms)?

Ah, if the lump sum was my own savings, I might not care about % ownerships.

If my parents gifted us money, it would be more important to me to safeguard it.

DH earns 5 x my income, all our money goes into the same pot and everything gets paid out of that pot. If he needs/wants anything or DS or me needs/wants anything it comes out of that pot.

We pay for holidays, treats etc out of that pot, we wouldn't think of doing our finances any other way.

Pre-kids we paid proportionately into joint account to cover all bills. Kept the rest to ourselves. After dc1 I was part time for a period and my input to the joint account went down and dhs went up. Then for about 10 years I was a SAHM after dc 2 and dc3 doing the odd bit of freelance. That was the time when family money really happened.

Now I'm back at work more or less full time but earn 3/4 of dhs salary. We're back to proportionately paying into joint account with each having the same personal cash in our own accounts. Anything left in the joint account at the end of the month gets pushed into joint savings.

So really, the way we've done things has adjusted to suit the circumstances at the time, with both of us having more private cash to save or spend now I'm back at work.

DP and I don't have a joint account, but are both responsible for particular bills. Things like meals out and other socialising split pretty much equally in terms of taking turn about, also grocery shopping. It worked brilliantly until last year when he was made redundant. I have found it very challenging, as what I have always seen as my money is now our money. Since he's not been working for over six months he gets no dole money, and absolutely everything falls to me. Once he gets a new job - hopefully soon! - I think we will need to re-evaluate our financial relationship.

Thinking about it, I think family pot for all your money/income but any huge discrepancies in deposits/savings (especially money given by relatives) should be protected. The house should still be owned 50/50 but the deposit should be ring fenced.

I think when you have kids and have to take a pay cut. Why wouldn't it be equal until then. But if you have to sacrifice money in order to look after the kids then all money should be family money. DH and I both have our pay slips paid into joint account. We use this for everything. We then pay ourselves the same money each per month £100-300 depending on finances. We use this for personal items and presents for each other on birthdays or nights out etc.
It works for us