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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give the same amount this time?

49 replies

skinnymalinkmalojin · 22/05/2017 09:26

We have friends that invited us to their DC's communion last year. We went and had a lovely day and gave the child money in a card as a gift.
During the year, their circumstances have changed drastically and the mother told me that they were having a very small party for their next child who is making her communion this week. She said that she would only be having close family at it and she hoped I wouldn't mind. Of course I don't and I understand completely.
I would like to give this child the same as her sister the year before but I am worried that they might think it's over the top or out of pity. It isn't - I'd just hate to make a difference between them and give this child less than her sister. What do you think?

OP posts:
LottieDoubtie · 22/05/2017 09:31

Absolutely give the same. Don't overthink it.

MommaGee · 22/05/2017 09:34

Is give the same too.
If mom says anything just say you wouldst want to get one without the other. Second DC will already be aware there getting a smaller party etc so it'll be nice to know that she's not forgotten

Lesley1980 · 22/05/2017 10:46

I'd give the same.

Original poster
skinnymalinkmalojin · 26/05/2017 19:19

Thanks for the advice! Over thinking things is a speciality of mine Wink

OP posts:
Original poster
skinnymalinkmalojin · 23/04/2018 09:56

Hi, I'm resurrecting this thread as I have more to add.

I met up with my friend a while ago and she told me that she purposely didn't invite us to her 2nd Dd's communion last year. Her reason was that we gave too much to her 1st Dd the year before and embarrassed her parents who had given the same amount as us.

I wish she hadn't told me this as I feel very uncomfortable about it all and have distanced myself greatly from her.

I wasn't being flashy- I gave an amount that I would give to my nieces or nephews. They were very close friends and invited all 4 of us out for lunch and then back to theirs for bouncy castle and supper.

AIBU? I should forget about it but I feel hurt.

OP posts:
MorelloKisses · 23/04/2018 10:00

Goodness, I have no experience of this type of gifting but it all sounds like a lot of drama....or perhaps a lot of money...

HollowTalk · 23/04/2018 10:06

How much did you give? Was it actually over the top?

I never got anything for communion - I didn't realise people did.

Dondie · 23/04/2018 10:09

Why did she tell her parents how much you gave? Don’t feel bad, to be honest if she was a really good friend she would have said at the time that it was too much not disinvited you without an explanation. If you haven’t already I’d say your intention was obiously never to cause any upset and leave it at that. Don’t apologise for being generous though!

DillyDilly · 23/04/2018 10:09

Silly woman, why did she tell her parents how much you gave. Did you give a gift to their DD2 in the end ?

Original poster
skinnymalinkmalojin · 23/04/2018 10:11

I gave €100. I give that amount to nieces and nephews for communions and confirmations. I did take into account that we were going out for a meal and back to their house afterwards.

OP posts:
Original poster
skinnymalinkmalojin · 23/04/2018 10:14

Yes I did Dillydilly. We were good friends and I didn't want to leave the 2nd little girl out. The mom told me that she wasn't having a big day out for her 2nd DD as they had financial problems. I know now that that wasn't the case.

OP posts:
Spam88 · 23/04/2018 10:17

Really odd reaction from your friend. A good way to avoid her parents feeling embarrassed would have been not to tell them how much people had given... If she really felt it was too much, I don't understand why she didn't say at the time and insist on giving some back 🤷‍♀️

MynameisJune · 23/04/2018 10:22

€100 is a lot for someone who is only a friend. It’s the kind of amount my parents would give their grandchildren. It isn’t the kind of amount I’d give me nieces. That being said I wouldn’t have fallen out with you over it, I might have mentioned that it was too much and you didn’t need to etc.

It’s an overreaction on your friends part, don’t be hurt. It’s more her issue than yours.

Flexoset · 23/04/2018 10:23

The mum is deeply weird.

She didn't need to tell her parents how much money you gave her DD1.

She didn't need to leave you out of DD2's celebration.

She didn't need to lie to you about the reason for leaving you out.

And - having done all that stuff - she didn't need to tell you all about it now!!

None of this is your fault. Your friend has managed to behave badly towards her parents AND you AND her DD2 (who missed out for no reason on a friendly face at her communion, not to mention €100 like her sister got!).

And now it sounds like she is trying to blame you for this?!

Caribou58 · 23/04/2018 10:24

You were generous, but I don't think that's a reason for anyone to get antsy about it.

In your place, I'd be really, really hurt.

Flexoset · 23/04/2018 10:27

Also... I don't think €100 is an unreasonable amount at all. But if the girl's parents thought it was excessive, they should have raised the subject with you at the time, thanked you very much, and returned some of it.

Even if it HAD been excessively generous, that's hardly a bad thing to be!

Returnofthesmileybar · 23/04/2018 10:29

€100 is very generous for a communion but not enough to warrant not inviting you next time, lying about it and making you feel shit about it a year later, nah, bin her off, she had issues for her own she is projecting on to you. Don't feel bad

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 23/04/2018 10:31

She told you all this a year later?

Returnofthesmileybar · 23/04/2018 10:31

And how did her family even know?? This is why cards on occasions like this should be opened privately, I had dd warned!!

Bitchywaitress · 23/04/2018 10:33

What an ungrateful person. I really don't think 100€ is over the top.

MorelloKisses · 23/04/2018 10:35

Oh ok! So just a lot of drama than!

€100 is a generous gift but not enough to warrant this overreaction from your ‘friend’.

Juells · 23/04/2018 10:36

I don't understand why posters think the child opens the card and pockets the money. Who'd allow a 7-year-old to do that?

I don't think she's much of a friend, I'd drop her like a hot potato. What a mean thing to tell you, when you've given £100 to each of her snot-nosed brats.

SheSparkles · 23/04/2018 10:38

Why would a friend even tell you this? And why would any decent person discuss the cash amount given as a gift with others?
I think your friend needs to take some empathy lessons-the only one making her parents feel bad was her!!
You sound like a lovely kind friend. She isn’t

shoofly · 23/04/2018 10:39

You've said €100 - Euro? Are you in Ireland? If that's the case, I don't think it was over the top. If they've asked 4 of you out for lunch and then a big party. I'd have given a similar amount (obviously if you can afford it) I can understand completely why you're hurt and distancing yourself.
Your friends didn't need to embarrass the grandparents at all, why they would even tell them the amount you gave is beyond me. The polite response is "Thanks so much for your very generous gift. " put it in the childs bank account and shut up.

Juells · 23/04/2018 10:40

DUH! Now realise I completely misunderstood what OP was talking about. Forget I spoke... 🤣