To give the same amount this time?

[skinnymalinkmalojin]

We have friends that invited us to their DC's communion last year. We went and had a lovely day and gave the child money in a card as a gift.
During the year, their circumstances have changed drastically and the mother told me that they were having a very small party for their next child who is making her communion this week. She said that she would only be having close family at it and she hoped I wouldn't mind. Of course I don't and I understand completely.
I would like to give this child the same as her sister the year before but I am worried that they might think it's over the top or out of pity. It isn't - I'd just hate to make a difference between them and give this child less than her sister. What do you think?

She was wrong to tell you this. Personally I think she was wrong not to invite you either but I guess she was trying to spare her parents feelings. In actual fact it may have backfired and made them feel even worse if you still gifted the same amount without attending the ceremony. She may not have told her parents, her daughter might have. It is not uncommon for family/friends to ask children what they received for xmas/birthdays/occasions.

She told me this before Christmas. She texts me every now and again to say that we should meet up but I just text back to say I'm busy with work etc.
I was so surprised when she brought it up and I had to justify why we gave that amount. I'm not one for grudges usually but this one has me stumped.

It's her parents problem if they felt 'inadequate', surely?

She could have just explained it away - maybe made you sound like rich, slightly bonkers friends who threw money around like water. But she didn't, so she's not really a proper friend.

I'm also assuming Ireland - I have happy memories of running around with a little frilly white handbag stuffed with notes, and that was back in the 80s.

I think €100 is a lot (more than I or any of my friends would give), but instead of telling you she was only having a small party and then telling you afterwards that she was trying to avoid your over-generosity, she should have just invited you and said "please keep it to €10/€20". This way she has made you feel bad about it, when you did nothing wrong. Don't fall out with her, she just bungled it, which we all do sometimes.

Don't fall out with her, she just bungled it, which we all do sometimes.

I think she was just mean, and it would be the end of a friendship for me. I wouldn't even bother saying why, just do what the OP is doing,. Always too busy, and allow the non-friendship to wither gently on the vine.

Your friend sounds unhinged, you did well to distance yourself. She'd do well to bear in mind that her parents only know what amount you gave because she told them Lying about it was just weird.
100€ is generous but perfectly reasonable in the situation you describe if you can afford it.

Some people are so strange over money. It is your money and you wouldnt give what you cant afford. My best friend is a doctor at consultant level and her partner is an accountant. Childless couple with lots of disposable income. I'm a single mum working part time and very tight budget. She often spoils DS with little gifts, I'd never be embarrassed about it as she wants to do it for us both. She should have just put it in a savings account for her DD if she thought it was too much.

Wow ... I think I would've told her to just give the money back if they really didn't want it 😐

I won't be doing communion but if I was and a friend gave my DS €100 I'd probably approach them nicely tell them it was too much and ask them to take half back. When you would refuse to take it back and after we'd done the back and forth 'than you but it's too much,' 'oh no I want him to have it,' dance for a few minutes, I'd have just said a big thank you. Then once the dust settles I'd have talked to DS about either making a donation to a charity you like out of his haul of money (not specifically letting him know he was giving away half of your money) or I'd have suggested he pay for a special treat to share with your kids if you have them.

If I had a second child I'd tell you how much we appreciated your generosity for first child but that half of that would still be very generous this time around. And that would be that. Not inviting you to the second event and telling you about how little your generosity was appreciated was appalling behaviour from your friend.

3 years ago, DH had a significant birthday and we had a few friends over for a party. These friends gave him a very, very nice gift- it was extravagant and would have been expensive. He loved it and still does. I couldn't imagine having the same conversation with them over this gift. Everyone else brought a bottle of wine or spirits. All appreciated greatly

Gosh very odd behaviour from her, very nice of you and I'd be distancing myself too otherwise you're at risk of "doing wrong" again and I wouldn't like that.

at risk of "doing wrong" again and I wouldn't like that.

Yes, it's controlling behaviour, isn't it? Do something nice, and the recipient turns it into a stick to beat you with.

Under the circumstances I wouldn't give money this time. I'd give something like a prayer book to the first poster.

And as for the gift of £100 the person was very rude and insensitive even to mention it to you and she should have kept it quiet from her mother too. I wouldn't even consider giving money for a communion. But I realise it's the done thing in some places.

And if somebody is generous enough to give a large sum of money I think it's wrong to suggest a donation to charity or tell them to take it back as it's too much.

She sounds really rude and ungrateful. I’m not surprised you’re hurt

We've finished Communions but the only people who gave €50 which grandparents, aunts and uncles and Godparents.

I would have been embarrassed if anyone else gave more, mainly because I would feel I had to reciprocate and to me it's about the ceremony first and foremost. I would never have told you though.

If this person is a really good friend talk to them about how you're feeling otherwise do an Elsa!

Skinnymalinkmalojin - you did nothing wrong and your friend has acted unreasonably. Sounds like she needs to learn how to receive a gift graciously. It was for a one-off occasion too - if you spent the same money for each DC birthday, then perhaps she could say that she felt they always receive plenty and a token gift would be plenty - but even then, there are ways and means of doing so.

Hopefully, you have many other friends who appreciate your friendship and generosity x

And if somebody is generous enough to give a large sum of money I think it's wrong to suggest a donation to charity or tell them to take it back as it's too much.

So when given something far in excess of anything you need, you think it's wrong to give some of your excess to those who do need it. That is the most fucked up thing I've ever, ever read!!!!!!!

Bit of an over reaction to something that wasn't actually said, @Tringley.

No good deed goes unpunished OP.

Sometimes people handle things poorly. Do you miss your friend? If not, then you can keep your distance. If you do then this is a forgive and forget situation.

Ok, I think this is what happened:

DC1's communion- somehow your card gets opened when DF's parents are around and they are annoyed that you have given the same amount as them, make a big fuss about it and it spoils part of an otherwise lovely day. They also develop a grudge against you because of it; completely unreasonable, but people can be very odd.
Communion 2 - DF is afraid that her parents will make a fuss and spoil the day over you being there and what you may or may not have put in a card, and deals with it poorly by caving in to her parents and not inviting you, telling you what she probably sees as a white lie about the reason.
Later she feels bad about it, particularly when you are so generous to her DC2 so decides to come clean to you, probably to clear her conscience and so as not to have the mistruth about 'financial problems' between you.
It sounds like she needs to stop pandering to her DPs but I wouldn't write off the friendship over it if it were me.

Wow, my sister and her Dh are much better off than me. They regularly gift my children €100 Euro ( Christmas, Easter, birthdays). They know I pass on about £20 a time, which is plenty imo, and save the rest to be able to treat the kids to holiday
Money etc. I'm extremely grateful as it takes quite a bit of pressure off me and they can afford it.

Your friend is weird.

I'm going v to go against the grain here. I'm Irish too, and I would be absolutely mortified if a friend gave my child a cash gift of that amount. To feel that you have to pay your way for attending a party invited you to by giving my child an extravagant amount of money would make me deeply uncomfortable, and really upset me. Its not anyone's business how I choose to host, or how much I spend, and you certainly shouldn't compensate my child if I choose to buy you lunch.

If you felt that you'd like to contribute in some way by bringing a generous hostess gift, I'd feel there was no need but would understand. But to give my child that much money for nothing more than a religious ceremony would not sit right with me.

I would probably try a similar tactic to your friend and not invite you next time. Which would be such a shame if we are close friends. In your friend's situation, I'd also try to (clumsily, I'm sure) broach the subject and ask you to take a different approach to gifts for my children so I could feel comfortable inviting you to events in the future.

As to your point about the generous gift to your dh, you're not comparing like with like. I would consider buying a thoughtful gift for a close friend's special birthday a completely different situation.

Thanks for all the replies. I wouldn't talk any of my friends about this as I'd hate to be seen as bitching but it doesn't count on mumsnet .

I'm going with my gut and I'll let this friendship 'wither on the vine' as Juell put it.