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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have said her kids can walk home?

78 replies

Despairbunny · 22/05/2017 08:50

Quick background. V good friend of mine has dd's, her youngest is in same year as my dd (year 3) & her eldest is year 6 (my ds is year 5). She messaged me at 6am today (waking me up) saying she's stuck at her boyfriend's in South London, pls can I have the girls after school?

I say no bother (which it isn't, at all), but they'll need to walk with my two home as I'm working today. I'll be home either just before or just after they get there so they wouldn't be left alone for any large length of time.

Well, that wasn't okay, she asked if I could pick them up from their house (literally two streets away from mine). I said no, if you want me to look after your dd's after school that's fine, but they'll have to make their own way there.

I haven't had a reply yet, so I've told my two they might be walking home with my friends dd's but they don't actually know. Ds not allowed his phone in school (obviously) so I've no way of telling him if he's walking home with just his sister or with the other two girls as well!

Aibu? I'm feeling quite miffed tbh (tho that might be the 6am wake up!)

OP posts:

Movingin2017 · 22/05/2017 09:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BattleaxeGalactica · 22/05/2017 09:17

If she's stuck she either sucks up the emergency arrangements or gets someone else.

harderandharder2breathe · 22/05/2017 09:17

Sorry cross posted with why she was stuck

Chattymummyhere · 22/05/2017 09:17

Why can't their dad have them after school.

Madwoman5 · 22/05/2017 09:17

Send a text to say that if you do not hear from her by x time, you will assume she has made alternative arrangements for her kids. If she wants you to have them then contact the school secretary and ask her to ensure your eldest is aware there will be four walking home to yours tonight. I am gobsmacked she would even consider not telling her kids what evening arrangements they have.
Is she expecting you to believe that she cannot get back from london in the nine hours from her text to pickup? Hmmmmm

diddl · 22/05/2017 09:18

I wouldn't like it either if they aren't used to it.

But then she'll just have to arrange something else, won't she?

If she phoned you at 6, she must be very ill to know that she won't be able to collect them at 3/4.

But she will be home from her boyfriends by then, so can't they walk home?

Could your kids take them home & them come home?

Original poster

Despairbunny · 22/05/2017 09:19

Well, good to know that I'm not BU on saying they could all walk home together.

Just messaged to say I'm still happy to have them, & if she wants me to then to call the school & ask them to let all the dc know what's going on so they can wait for each other after school.

OP posts:

SaorAlbaGuBrath · 22/05/2017 09:19

If someone is doing you a favour you smile and say thank you, you don't dictate terms which massively inconvenience them! I know you said she's poorly, but if she can't organise the childcare that suits her she shouldn't go somewhere that she going to get stuck!

Original poster

Despairbunny · 22/05/2017 09:20

Also I need to know what's going on with them so I know whether I'm feeding them or not. 🙄

It's not that I'm not happy to do it, just need to know!

OP posts:

Littlefrogletx · 22/05/2017 09:24

I dont understand how she cant get back before 3, and what time is she going to come and get them?
What if you had said no

CricketRuntAndRashers · 22/05/2017 09:24

Well... I understand that she may be concerned.

But you are doing her a favour. She wrote at 6 in the morning and is now wondering whether you could adjust your day? No.

CricketRuntAndRashers · 22/05/2017 09:25

And yes, of course you need to know.

I mean, I imagine she must have a plan B, right?

Or what would she have done if you had said "no"? Yanbu.

rightwhine · 22/05/2017 09:32

Stick to your guns.

Colacolaaddict · 22/05/2017 09:34

Put your phone on a "do not disturb" timer setting. I think it'sreasonable to assume people do that these days.

Actually I think it was ok for her to ask this, once, nicely, of a good friend, especially with a y3 who may not know the way or have been allowed to walk anywhere but school and back before. Asking nicely, once, and politely taking no for an answer is not "dictating terms", and asking you to go 2 streets away is not "massively inconveniencing" you as PPs said - presumably they could just wait at their's until you get there. The silent treatment, if that's what it is, is not polite obviously, but I imagine may be due to some sort of crisis?

YANBU to set your terms but is it really so awful of her to ask?

dustarr73 · 22/05/2017 09:39

Why can't her bf collect them.Id give her till 11 and if you haven't heard from her just ring the school and tell your 2 not too wait.Youre doing her a favour,she should be grateful.

Colacolaaddict · 22/05/2017 09:39

Good that you've texted back but I think you should also do what Madwoman suggests - say you'll assume she has made other arrangements if you don't hear back by (generous) x time. It's not just feeding them, it's knowing whether they are missing or safe elsewhere if they don't turn up.

gleam · 22/05/2017 09:52

How convenient that she's stuck at her boyfriend's.
When will she become unstuck - in time for bedtime or are you doing a sleepover as well?

woodfornuts · 22/05/2017 09:59

well the fact is, you can't pick them up. I get she is ill and I get that you're happy to help but she needs to be more organised or get paid childcare.

You've given her an option let her sort it out.

if it was me I would not be happy telling my kids they may or may not have to walk with other children. They have to concentrate on getting themselves home not worry if so and so is walking with them, so in future tell her she needs to make the plans in the evening.

DotForShort · 22/05/2017 10:11

YANBU. If she isn't happy with this setup, she's free to make other arrangements.

Birdsgottaf1y · 22/05/2017 10:13

""in future tell her she needs to make the plans in the evening.""

With certain conditions/illnesses you can't do that.

OP, you wasn't unreasonable in saying that they have to fit in with your plans. If her illness is genuine then she needs to teach her children different strategies, like walking home, crossing roads and the School be happy to pass on messages, which they are in these situations.

Whenever a disabled Mum post about how she wil manage, there's lots of replies saying that people will help if it's genuine, but whenever the person helping posts, they're told not to help!

AuntieUrsula · 22/05/2017 10:32

It's very annoying when people want something urgently and then don't keep in communication with you, but is there a reason you couldn't just pick them up from their house as she asks? As they live so close?

theymademejoin · 22/05/2017 10:39

Originally, I thought you were being perfectly reasonable. However, after your update regarding the busy road, I think you are being a bit unreasonable, unless there is some major reason you couldn't nip over two roads to pick them up. I presume that would take about 5 minutes each way?

That said, she should have explained why she wanted you to pick up and should certainly have replied to you.

diddl · 22/05/2017 10:45

She'll be looking for an altenative atm I would think & will come back to Op at the last minute asking her to do it.

Perhaps with evening meal thrown in!

Hindsight is great, but when what you offered didn't work, best (imo) to say "OK then" & leave them to it!

If she knew at 6am that she wouldn't be well enough to collect after school-will she even be able to get home to look after them tonight?

KoalaDownUnder · 22/05/2017 10:51

She's being a pain, but if it's literally two streets away I would just pick them up, this once.

Maybe she's worried about potential messing about near a busy road, if 4 children walk together instead of the usual 2.

dustarr73 · 22/05/2017 11:06

The op works so can't pick them up.She should have the decency to let you know either way.

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