To try to parent my stepson?

[AfraidOfMyShadow]

I'm a long time lurker on this forum but always been too afraid to post.

Recently my partner's 12 year old son has come to live with us. He lived with his maternal grandparents in the US as my partner and his gf at the time were so young when he was born.

There was peace for around a month or so as we all tried to adjust especially dss to a new country, school etc but for the past few months my partner and dss have been at each others throats. He is a sweet child but also manages to get into trouble far too often - skipping school, swearing, trying a cigarette and now I'm worried he's seeing a much older teen/man (Basically I saw them kiss) and I'm not sure whether to tackle this myself or tell my partner.

My partner is really taking dss's behaviour to heart. He told me dss is manipulative, vacuous and every interaction they have ends with an argument. So far we've tried grounding, taking away personal belongings and my partner thinks he's not too old to get a smack. I feel if I tell him what I saw he may go through with it. I really don't want it to get that far but my partner doesn't really listen to my advice wrt to dss because dss is his son. None of us have any parenting experience and we are struggling, I feel we'd do so much better if we worked together on this. I'm thinking of confronting dss by myself as I think I'd get the truth from him and then know what next steps to take (of course involving my partner then).

Sorry for the essay. What do you think?

Afraid

Could you talk to DH in advance?

May I ask why he came to live with you?

DSS's grandparents are now not in the best of health. The grandfather already has a degenerative illnesss but was fine with the grandmothers help but she found out she had cancer last year. They initially asked for their daughter to come back and help which she couldn't or wouldn't. She asked DH to help by taking DSS. GPs were initially against it from what I know but thought DSS might be better off with us. They message all the time - to us and DSS, have actually asked for him back but the grandmother is not getting better.

Also DH always wanted a relationship with his son. He admits he wasn't good at keeping contact when he was with them.

On some level you earn the right to discipline. DD trusts me, knows I have her best interests at heart, knows I don't insist on things just because. She knows that I, for example, respect her choices about her body. So if I grab her without asking, there's probably danger. I earned that.

Your DH hasn't earned respect, trust or love. In fact, he hasn't even tried from the sounds of it. Now he wants 'good' behaviour and respect when he hasn't even bothered to do the bare minimum to earn it.

He needs to go right back to first principles. Listen, respect, learn about his son. Come from a position that his son's choices and interests belong to him and are important, even if they aren't what your DH would choose. He needs to empathize, be gentle and nurture. Do you think he is capable of this? Because your OP and PPs don't sound like it.

MrsTerryPratchett

So well said.

OP, you sound lovely and with the best of intentions. This child is going to require a lot of work, thought and love on your part to help him through this difficult time, but it will be well worth it.