To try to parent my stepson?

[AfraidOfMyShadow]

I'm a long time lurker on this forum but always been too afraid to post.

Recently my partner's 12 year old son has come to live with us. He lived with his maternal grandparents in the US as my partner and his gf at the time were so young when he was born.

There was peace for around a month or so as we all tried to adjust especially dss to a new country, school etc but for the past few months my partner and dss have been at each others throats. He is a sweet child but also manages to get into trouble far too often - skipping school, swearing, trying a cigarette and now I'm worried he's seeing a much older teen/man (Basically I saw them kiss) and I'm not sure whether to tackle this myself or tell my partner.

My partner is really taking dss's behaviour to heart. He told me dss is manipulative, vacuous and every interaction they have ends with an argument. So far we've tried grounding, taking away personal belongings and my partner thinks he's not too old to get a smack. I feel if I tell him what I saw he may go through with it. I really don't want it to get that far but my partner doesn't really listen to my advice wrt to dss because dss is his son. None of us have any parenting experience and we are struggling, I feel we'd do so much better if we worked together on this. I'm thinking of confronting dss by myself as I think I'd get the truth from him and then know what next steps to take (of course involving my partner then).

Sorry for the essay. What do you think?

It sounds as if there is difficulty in them both communicating with each other if every conversation ends in an argument. I think your partner needs to stop talking and start watching and listening, he may find out how his son is feeling then and be able to help him more effectively. Kids need to be seen and heard by their parents to feel safe and loved. If your dss doesn't feel as if he's being listened to then he won't feel accepted as a person. That in turn will create a lack of trust and respect.

As for hitting him - really? After everything he's been through and potentially going through now, his father just thinks hitting him will make him do what he says? No. It never does and it causes anger and resentment.

I think honestly you need a family therapist to help navigate your situation before your DH makes things even worse for this young lad.

If you've no parenting experience at all, and you're suddenly landed with an adolescent, you really need some proper help. "Real" parents struggle in the beginning, but by now would have had 12 years of getting to know the child by this stage - you're going into the firing line cold, so to speak, which would be hard enough on its own without any issues like being a step-parent, absent mum and a change of continent to flavour the mix!
Your Social Services should have an "Informal Family Care" team - they look after situations like this, it's more common that you'd think! Your school should be able to put you in touch with them, if not ask your local Social Services team. I know that many people are nervous of involving Social Services - rest assured that they are there to help as much as they can. I am looking after my teenage granddaughter for a while, and that's not been without trauma :) - I could not have survived without the support I've had from my local Informal Family Care worker. Just being able to recognise what is actually normal, everyday teen angst has been a blessing, and I really couldn't at first.
Reach out for help - there is some there, budgets and resources are stretched but it's there if you need it - and it sounds like you do.
Stay strong and don't beat yourself up.

Family therapist.

Your DSS is in a strange country
Different school system
No family/new family
No friends

• He may be gay - and experiencing his own problems with your Conservative Christian beliefs/his US family's CC beliefs.

• He may be lonely/isolated/having problems or experiementing with his sexuality and be a very easy target for grooming.

You sound understanding.
Your DH doesn't.

Thank you all for your help. I've invited our pastor round to give us some guidance and have a meeting set up at dss's school. DH is open to the idea of family counselling/therapy

Your pastor might be fine. But if your DSS is gay you'd better be bloody sure the pastor is from this century. Some are. Some aren't.

And you don't just need family therapy. You need parenting classes as well. Because your DH is starting from a terrible position and needs as much help as possible.

Parenting a 12 year old with no prior experience must be bloody difficult OP! Having to move across the world with parents you hardly know must be incredibly hard for the 12 year old. It's no surprise at all that you're all having a hard time.

I do think you and your DP need to be on the same team and working together on this (as is vital in parenting). However I think the needs of a very vulnerable child need to come before the ego of an adult, so please don't hesitate to put the child first or talk to him privately (and confidentially) if he is able to trust you.

Agree that family counselling/therapy could be a good idea. As a Christian I know that support from your church can be very helpful, but as PP have mentioned, please tread very carefully. Some churches are very heavy-handed on this issue and could do more harm than good.

There might be some good parenting courses out there that might help too? I've done one called "Incredible Years" which I thought was quite good, but I'm not in the UK, so I don't know if they run it near you.

And, as PP have said, do speak to the school about the potential grooming issue. They may have support systems in place to help with this and could be especially helpful if the 12 year old doesn't feel like he can talk to his Dad.

All the best OP! What a tough situation for all involved.

giving the benefit of the doubt - but also questioning if genuine as you didnt intervene if you saw a kiss.

your pastor may, or may not, have any experience of parenting - what makes you think they will help here? I hope you will not speak about a possible kiss but concentrate on the disruption caused to this poor childs life - taken away from family and friends to live with a parent who rejected them. They may be gay but they certainly desperately need some love and stability and may be respondng to the only one showing some care for them.

Parenting classes and some books for you both
www.amazon.co.uk/Raising-Boys-Different-Become-Well-Balanced/dp/0008128030?tag=mumsnetforum-21

www.amazon.co.uk/Teenage-Brain-Neuroscientists-Survival-Adolescents/dp/0062067842?tag=mumsnetforum-21

Right.

Yes, family counselling is a good idea!

This boy was ripped from his "parental people", his friends, home, teachers etc... This will make him extremely vulnerable.

Your DH may take his behaviour to heart, yes. But I fear that it may be really cutting for your son.

It sounds as if an adult man has also made use of his vulnerability and is exploiting him. "Smacking" him will not help. I suspect that it may do the opposite.

I don't know whar your religious... stances are/what church you go to. But please remember, this is NOT about your DSS being gay, having pre-marital relations etc. This is the issue of your DSS being groomed.

And although I usually don't think step-parents should parent (especially not if both birth parents are in the picture and actively parenting). Well, your situation is somewhat unusual and anyhow, your opinion certainly shouldn't be disregarded.

Call me biased and I say that as a Christian but pastors/spiral guides/priests/etc will not help on the actual issues. You need proper family therapy and not someone to tell your DSS to love Jesus.
You need to be taught how to parent. When your whole life has been a cluster of disasters going to church and learning to bottle things up is not a solution. I've seen it with my own eyes, it doesn't have help.

If I had a child/stepchild that I thought was gay and/or was being groomed, the absolute last person I'd seek guidance from is a religious "leader". I'd be looking for someone useful, such as a qualified counsellor.

we dont know if the pastor is being invited round to talk to the child or the parents. There is no mother in the picture so in this case the step-parent needs to step up. They need to act like a mother. So invite a pastor to talk to the father about the need to provide love and stability - yes, invite them to talk to the child about homosexuality - no.

OP who made the decision to move your DSS? Were the grandparents for some reason unable to cope or did your partner decide he wanted his son to come live with you? How much contact did your DSS have with his father before the move?

It all sounds very difficult, and must have been a huge wrench for quite a young boy. We moved the other way with our children, the language may be the same but very little else is, I would expect your DSS is homesick and has culture shock too. Plus he may well be grieving the loss of the only parents he knows.

Oh and it takes about two years to adjust to a new country (with your family with you), a month is nothing!

In the nicest possible way you'd be much better off selling help from a qualified professional rather than your pastor. This sounds very tricky for all concerned. I also recommend you find a family therapist. Search AFT to find someone appropriately qualified www.aft.org.uk/consider/view/family-therapist-directory.html?tzcheck=1

Selling I meant getting help!

If DSS trusts you then I would go around your partner yes. This child's needs someone. Someone to confide in. Someone who will not judge him or punish him. Tell the kid what you saw and ask if it is a relationship. Get details in a gentle manner and ask him if he needs anything from you.
Your partner sounds like he is struggling so I think you need to step in.

Your pastor? Ppfffff great idea

Why don't you actually get some decent family therapy from a reputable organisation?

Seriously what the hell are you and your DH thinking? This 12 year old has been removed from everything he knows, and has come to live with total strangers, and your DH sounds like a nasty immature bully. And your best suggestion of moving things forward is to get your pastor round? Mind. Boggles.

you need to be taught how to parent

Exactly.

I know some of you have asked why I didn't intervene. That's been worrying me too. I know I should have now but then... I wasn't expecting it and it happened so quickly. Dss didn't see me - I usually spend an hour longer at the gym. I saw them through our window facing the back garden - which is secluded from the neighbours. By the time I'd made my way out dss was back inside and the guy was gone. I'd had time to doubt myself and it was too late. I'm sorry.

I think I do have reason to worry about this though. I spoke to dss last night and he admitted he thought he was "in love" with someone. I told him what I saw and told him I was worried this person didn't seem like another 12 year old to me. He wouldn't speak to me anymore once I'd asked.

How much freedom are you giving this 12 year old that he can sneak about meeting a much older man??

I think you need to gain this boys trust so he had someone on his side. Be his advocate when it comes to his father who sounds like he hasn't got the faintest idea. Is your stepson religious? Or will inviting the pastor round just alienate him?

I find this all so disturbing

You need some serious parenting help otherwise you risk pushing this poor child away forever. His world has been turned upside down.he doesn't need punishing or a smack?!
Why is an older teen/man kissing a 12 year old?
He thinks he's in love because this person has shown him some love and affection .

Sorry, but I don't think a pastor who preaches about discipline is going to be the best way forward for a gay 12 year old who has just had his life turned upside down. I am not anti-religious in any way but I just feel in this case straight to family counselling would be more beneficial.

Right... I don't think you should tell his father.

His father doesn't seem to have the compassion and maturity to deal with this and this boy needs somebody he can trust.

It seems to me personally that he may believe to have found that person. Who unfortunately happens to be somebody that doesn't have his best interest at heart.

Punshiment will do nothing good in this situation.

Family counselling is imo a great idea. However, I think he may also benefit from additional counselling. This must be very difficult for him.

Why did he come to live with his father?

Don't be scared OP. It sounds really hard!

How much freedom are you giving this 12 year old that he can sneak about meeting a much older man??

This ^^

I usually spend an hour longer at the gym.

Why weren't you with your DSC?

Did he have a strong or frequent relationship with his father before moving here?

He needs to bond with his new family and I would be expecting to spend as much time with him as possible outside of work etc... If you adopted a child, I think you'd probably be doing that. In doing so, it would help you to build a framework for life going forwards in terms of routine, expectations, and boundaries.

I don't know why he has come to live with you, but thinking about it from his perspective it must be so scary and unsettling. He has a mum who has rejected him, a pair of grandparents who acted as parents but have now given up that role (in his eyes perhaps that's abandoning him, even if the reason is beyond their control) and now he's here in a new country with people whose lives have also been turned upside down and who don't have any experience of this.

It must feel terribly confusing and unstable, especially as he is at an age where he is beginning to go through bodily/hormonal changes. He needs firm boundaries in terms of what is expected of him, what he is allowed to do (e.g. staying out, cigarettes, truanting) and lots of quality time doing things with you and his dad. The swearing, truancy, cigarette, kissing an older guy sound a mixture of normal teen behaviour mixed with a child that is crying out for attention. He is quite young still for all the teen stuff, but I'm sure school is quite influential in the absence of other influences. You'll have to consistently try to counteract that. That's why it's vital you get your OH on board so that you are both on the same page regards how you are going to do that.

I've asked my pastor to help me and DH - dss won't be in that conversation as I don't think that'd help. I'm sure he will suggest the same things you all have but there is a greater chance of DH taking him seriously. Thank you for the links - I'm looking at the books and the therapist directory!