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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I just being horrible and selfish?

42 replies

user1490817986 · 21/05/2017 12:54

I'm In a LDR with a guy that I've been with for a year, we were making plans for the future about him moving in to live with me but 2 months ago his brother was involved in a serious accident which caused severe brain injury. Luckily, he survived and is now in rehab to regain certain skills. He has anger outbursts and mild cognitive problems as a result of the injury.

My BF lives with his mum and brother and is still off work due to all of this and visiting his brother in hospital. I have been chatting to him daily and always ask how his brother is and I try to support him.

His brother is making great progress and is stable, but BF spends all day (8 hours) everyday with his brother, along with his mum in rehab hospital. I don't hear from him much anymore and when I do, he says he forgot about me because he's busy with visiting his brother.

I'm prepared to be told im an awful selfish human being, but I was hoping since his brother has been stable for over a month now, that he would have more time for our relationship. AIBU?

OP posts:

JustMumNowNotMe · 21/05/2017 13:00

He's been off work for 2 months?!
Blimey who does he work for?

Its a tricky one- If he's really close to his brother I can see him wanting to be with him as much as possible, but if he cares for you he wouldn't do this at the expense of his relationship- there would be a balance.

How often do you normally see each other?

As horrible as this sounds, are you certain there is a brother and he did have an accident?!

robinia · 21/05/2017 13:00

I don't think you're being horrible or selfish but I do think you're underestimating the impact this has had on your bf and his mum. Right now he needs to be there to support his brother and mum. It may take some time for your bf to be in the right place to prioritise his relationship with you again. I guess it depends how much he means to you as to how long you are prepared to wait it out.
Have you not seen him since the accident?

Casmama · 21/05/2017 13:01

I think it would be reasonable to ask if this change in circumstances affects your plans for the future and/or if he needs to take a break from your relationship for a while

LittleBooInABox · 21/05/2017 13:02

The thing that would stick with me is he 'forgot' about you. You don't forget the people you love. You can be busy. And not text as much as you'd like, But you don't forget them.

Wheelerdeeler · 21/05/2017 13:05

No rehab facility would allow 2 visitors for 8 hours a day as they would have all the physio slt etc to be doing

Original poster

user1490817986 · 21/05/2017 13:06

I haven't seen him since the accident, but we have been skyping and talking over the phone. It was his birthday yesterday and he said not to get him anything as he didn't want to celebrate.

I just asked him where he sees us in 6 months time, and he said he doesn't know and he cant do much right now because his family needs him.

OP posts:

ALittleBiPolarSunshine · 21/05/2017 13:06

You're not being selfish. His brother needs his family but you have not ceased to exist as a result. Your life continues and if he no longer has time for you then I'd tell him you are moving on. Life is too short to hang about waiting for people to decide when you matter or not.

FeckinCrutches · 21/05/2017 13:08

Something sounds really fishy to me!

Whocansay · 21/05/2017 13:09

Something else is going on here. That story does not ring true. I think he's lost interest and possibly has someone else. I suspect he's keeping you on the back burner. Whatever the truth of the situation, you are clearly not a priority to him. You don't treat someone you love like this.

Original poster

user1490817986 · 21/05/2017 13:10

Without outing myself, it is true because it was on the local news.

OP posts:

WannaBe · 21/05/2017 13:11

I think that a serious family issue like this can put one's whole life into perspective. You say that the brother luckily survived, but for him to still be in a rehab hospital his injuries were clearly extremely severe and his life has undoubtedly changed for ever as a result.

I'd say that if your bf has been able to be off work for two months in order to spend time with his brother in rehab then his injuries are far more severe than you have been led to believe.

I think you would be unreasonable to expect your BF to now give more priority to your relationship but you wouldn't be unreasonable to suggest that this has changed things between you and that as such you perhaps need to step back from the relationship and let him be there for his brother.

ambereeree · 21/05/2017 13:12

Sounds very fishy to me. Have you ever not been in a ldr with him?

Naicehamshop · 21/05/2017 13:13

As a previous poster has said, it's understandable that he is too stressed and busy to contact you as much as before, but to openly say that he has "forgotten" about you?

Something is not right here.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 21/05/2017 13:15

Tbf if one of my dc had been in such an accident I would assume a sibling would be in the same frame of mind as your bf. Unless you have dc together its natural for him to be focused elsewhere. . As it's a ldr he hasn't had to consider the relationship in the same way as if you had lived together. He has emotionally checked out at present. Maybe decide if you want that to be a permanent arrangement. .

Dancingdaphne · 21/05/2017 13:21

How often were you seeing him prior to the accident?

CotswoldStrife · 21/05/2017 13:28

How often have you met up with him over the 10 months before the accident?

Original poster

user1490817986 · 21/05/2017 13:29

Every other week. He is definitely being truthful as it was on news and everything rings true. I can't give anymore detail because it will out me.

OP posts:

KurriKurri · 21/05/2017 13:33

His brother's accident might well be causing him to rethink his whole future - he doesn't know yet how much care his DB may need and he may be thinking that he needs to help his mother provide that care.
I doubt he wants to commit to anything when he doesn't know what his circumstances will be in six months or a year.

Which is tough for you to deal with I know, but you have to decide whether you want to wait it out, support him and accept there may be no future together at the end of it, or whether you want to give the relationship a break and see where things are in a year or so, but meanwhile get on with your life separately.

TheStoic · 21/05/2017 13:37

I would back right off, give him space, and wait for him to start reaching out to you.

I don't think he will.

Jux · 21/05/2017 13:42

I can quite see that he is going to be putting his brother and mum before you for quite some time to come.

His whole family dynamic has changed massively and your bf probably has no idea yet how it will settle down and what the long-term future holds for his brother, his mum and therefore himself. It is to his credit that he is prepared to work so hard and sacrifice so much for his brother and mum.

Emphasise · 21/05/2017 13:44

I'm sure the accident is genuine but I don't think he's being honest about his reasons for not being in touch. He's not working and he's spending 8 hours a day with DB. So he still has all the spare time he had when working. In his situation, Id expect him to be needing your support and company/chat if he's bothered about you, not distancing himself.

Agree, tell him you're there if he needs.yiu but that you're going to back off and leave him to get in touch when he's ready. My guess is you won't hear anything

Jux · 21/05/2017 13:44

Have you met them? Could you help in any way? Could you maybe run errands, pick up harder to get items or treats for them? Have you offered?

youarenotkiddingme · 21/05/2017 13:48

Clearly right now your bf has other priorities in his life.

That's not to say he doesn't still care about you but he doesn't have the emotional headspace to be in a relationship with you.

I agree with not texting. Allow him the time to work out what he needs and wants.
Right now you are 'there'. He doesn't have to make any effort because you are doing it for the both of you.

MatildaTheCat · 21/05/2017 13:49

It's a shame that he can't seem to give enough space to your relationship to include giving you some time, even if it's much less than usual. In effect he's put you on ice. I think it's up to you how long you are prepared to stay in that position.

Put a time limit on it for yourself because although it's laudable to be so dedicated to your family it's a big sign that you aren't as important to him as you thought.

Head injuries take months and years to recover from and even then there may be longer term impacts so this may well feature in your lives should you carry on.

Tell him you are really impressed by his commitment but he needs to decide if he wants to continue with this relationship and have a life of his own. Be prepared for him to choose his family. Sorry but good luck.

Cel982 · 21/05/2017 13:55

Neither of you is being unreasonable, really. It's just a shitty situation. Having a loved one suffer a brain injury is incredibly traumatic, it can be comparable to a death in that the person who existed before may be gone forever. It's no wonder he's all at sea. But you wouldn't be unreasonable to want to cool things off either.

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