Am I just being horrible and selfish?

[user1490817986]

I'm In a LDR with a guy that I've been with for a year, we were making plans for the future about him moving in to live with me but 2 months ago his brother was involved in a serious accident which caused severe brain injury. Luckily, he survived and is now in rehab to regain certain skills. He has anger outbursts and mild cognitive problems as a result of the injury.

My BF lives with his mum and brother and is still off work due to all of this and visiting his brother in hospital. I have been chatting to him daily and always ask how his brother is and I try to support him.

His brother is making great progress and is stable, but BF spends all day (8 hours) everyday with his brother, along with his mum in rehab hospital. I don't hear from him much anymore and when I do, he says he forgot about me because he's busy with visiting his brother.

I'm prepared to be told im an awful selfish human being, but I was hoping since his brother has been stable for over a month now, that he would have more time for our relationship. AIBU?

Sorry to say, OP, but this doesn't sound exceptionally promising. It's one thing being worried and stressed about his brother, but you don't just 'forget' about the people you love.

The accident may well be true, but there's something else going on here.

I don't think it was fair of you to ask about 6 months time, that's a tough one for many people in the best of circumstances but he'd be wanting you close, not pushing you away if you were important to him.

Sorry but I think you're being lied to... I think he's using his brother's accident as an excuse to not contact you as he doesn't have the balls to end it.

Is it definitely even true about his brother?

I'm sorry but NOBODY other than spouses/partners spend EIGHT HOURS a day in a rehab hospital, and certainly not long term. And no employer would ever grant two months compassionate leave even if his brother died...

Sorry OP but I think you've been had x

He may well be caught up in supporting his mother as well as his brother. And as they all lived together it's not the same set up as if they all had their own independent lives before the accident,

However I imagine if he is spending 8 hours a day visiting in hospital there would be a lot of hanging around in which case he could send you the odd text.

I would start backing off if I were you and reduce your expectations.
What else can you do?

I know several people who've been signed off sick long term with "stress due to family illness" Justdontgetit, so that bit's not completely unbelievable, although usually for a child or spouse. My Dsis had 6mths off sick while her DS was treated for cancer and a colleague is currently signed off and with her dying dh.

This is a life-changing event for everyone in his family, so I can believe that he has put his plans with you on the back-burner OP. He probably doesn't know how all this will pan out yet. I know when the child of friend of mine had a severe head injury, the doctors always gave the worst-case scenario to the parents. They don't like to get people's hopes up. Also that child made an amazing recovery partly because the parents stayed there talking to her endlessly.

I think you should back off for a couple of weeks and see how you feel after a bit of space.

Not sure how useful this example is
I was in a major accident that could have been "life changing" (oh how i hate that phrase) but wasn't. In relative terms I recovered well and quickly but for my people, everyone's life revolved round me for weeks.

My sister still saw her best mate in that time. She'd have seen a close boyfriend I'm sure. And she had to go back to work? Unless you live a really long way away, I think it's normal to see your closest ones for support, not just the injured party and others linked to them.

I can only guess he's too shaken up to know how he feels for the future but also, unless he lives far, I'm surprised he hasn't asked for support. I don't think it bodes well. I'm sorry, it really sucks all round.

Sadly it's telling that in this extreme stress he's separated himself from you rather than sought your support. I agree with a pp: don't say anything about it but stop contacting him, let this go which he is signalling that he wants you to do, and let him make contact with you if he wants to. I'm sorry but I also think he won't.

I do wonder though, OP, that you haven't been by his side at the hospital some of the time.

I'm also thinking don't be in touch but I think the trouble is he might wonder why she's not asking after his brother.

it's a tough one.

Perhaps it would be best to text him and say something like "I'm aware you need space for this situation, so let me know if you need anything but otherwise I'll leave it to you to be in touch" or something?

I've just remembered, a fairly casual boyfriend came to the hospital - this was years ago - when my mother was very ill. he doesn't live near my mum either, different for me of course, but I was pleased to have him pop in for an hour. Well, I say "casual" but that's because it takes me a decade to actually use the word boyfriend. But yes, he wasn't even someone others knew about, but I still wanted to see him.

also if his brother is left with permanent health issues he may wish for them to live together. I know if it was my sister, I would want to do that.

which caused severe brain injury. Luckily, he survived and is now in rehab to regain certain skills. He has anger outbursts and mild cognitive problems as a result of the injury

I suspect either you don't know the extent of his injuries or you are underplaying it. If he's in rehab to this extent I think he has more than mild cognitive problems and anger issues and your first statement is correct that this man has a serious brain injury and his family are supporting him and that's why your partner has been off work for two months.

Yeah I think it's unlikely there's anything "mild" about his injuries.

I suspect there's limited Physio happening right now and if your BF is there that much its as much to keep the Brother calm as much as anything else.

I know a family whose son had a severe brain injury and who have literally been sitting beside him for the past four years in residential care. Horrendous. Their lives have just stopped.

I think your relationship simply will not have enough oxygen to continue. He has no headspace for you at all.

Sorry to say this, OP, but he is clearly distancing himself from you. If you love someone and you want to be with them, you make it happen. You don't 'forget' about them.

Just "I'm sorry but NOBODY other than spouses/partners spend EIGHT HOURS a day in a rehab hospital, and certainly not long term."

forgot to say, really surprised by this comment. I absolutely would do this for my sister, my mother, my best friend. Presumably partner if I had one. I don't find it odd. I am only guessing that OP BF freelances or temps or something which is fair enough too. My sister is freelancing now, she was in a permanent job when I had my accident, so she did have to go back, but certainly if she had been freelancing and could afford to take the time off - which the OP BF can I guess, if he lives with his mum anyway - then she would.