To think whatever you done as a teenager will come back to haunt you when your own kids are that age

[greenkite0]

I believe this but my fianceé says no that's not the case and you should teach your children not to make the same mistakes
?

Christ, I hope not. I'm with your fiancé on this one.

Going my your argument, what if one parent was a good teenager and the other parent was a nightnare teen?

Crispy that's what I'm worried about, I was a nightmare teen. Alcohol at 13, sex at 14, drugs at 17. Dropped out of school, stole all the time. Doing even heavier drugs by 21. All things I'm scared of coming back to haunt me
But how can I tell my daughter not to do all that when I done it all? Is it a case of I've done it it's not cool or just let her get on with it? I'm so scared

You tell her how shit it was and give her other options

you also, to some extent, hope you raised her with lots of resilience and common sense and cross your fingers

You also make sure your 13 year old isn't given the opportunity to get pissed!

OP I had very similar teenage years to you. I don't have any kids yet but I'm honestly terrified of having a DD because of what I was like as a teenager in case history repeats itself.

Sorry, don't have any answers, just wanted to say I sympathise!!

Bloody hell. A cold shiver just went down my spine

How was your parents with you Op ?

My DD is only 10 months but I did wonder the other day what I should do/say if she ever asks me what age I lost my virginity at or if I've ever taken drugs.

I think when I was a teen if my parents had told me that they had taken drugs when they were younger I would probably have used it as a justification to take even more. So, I'm not sure if honesty is the best policy. I have a while to think about it yet but please God that my DD isn't like me as a teen.

Dd is now 18 and so far hasn't got up to my tricks
Erm I'm 36 now

My parents were very strict with me though and we did have quite an emotionally distant relationship so I'm not sure if it was a rebellion thing or if I'd have been like that regardless.

I'm more strict than my mum was. But I'm also more clued up. My teen tries it on a bit, but always gets caught because l know all the tricks in the book.
So a bit in the middle of you and OH.

Well my mum was (is) controlling and judgemental. I did a lot behimd her back in a deliberate attempt to 'rebel'.

Though I can't say I'd be too haunted is my dc did what I did as I wasn't a very good rebel though as I was older (16) and not that bad really (comparatively that is). I would be sad to think they did anything because of how I was as a parent though.

All the "issues" I've had with my DSs are because they are exactly the same as their Dad at the same age. If they were boring teens like me all would be simple [Grin]

Dh really has tried to show them how not to make his mistakes, but they have behaved exactly as he did. Not terrible by any means but not enough school work etc.

I think teardrop makes a good point. Having been a nightmare teenager yourself at least means you're wise to all the tricks in the book...

Can you think back to what you think the reasons were for that behaviour? Would a similar situation hold true for your own kids? What about the influence of your dp?

To an extent, i believe history repeats itself - but only if its left unchecked. Only you know how easy it can be to get caught down a path and how hard it can be to come back from itand how some people never get out of it.

Personally, im hoping mine know their own mind, have resilience to bounce back and arent beholden to anyone but themselves - i can help by being proud of their talents and showing by example, but there is a heck of alot which is in the lap of the gods.

I was the most boring teenager ever put on this earth.

Firstly, your children are not you, they are different individuals, who have inevitably are having a different upbringing.They will follow their own path, which may be very different for each of them.

Secondly, experience of life, even the bits I wish with hindsight I'd done differently, all helps to put me in a position to guide my children, with awareness and empathy. (I hope)

Thirdly, there's no hypocrisy in not choosing to reveal to DC things I have done. Not steering them away from ' sex,drugs, rock and roll' would simply be bad parenting.

To give a minor example, by the age of 15 I had worked out multiple ways of truanting and not getting caught. Did I let my DC know that ? Hell no. With one of them, I used to deliver to school, watch them enter, and contemplated sitting outside in my car all day long, if that was what it took to sort out their brief school reluctance.

My DC think they know lots of stuff from my wild youth, but in reality, they don't know the half of it.
I think it' s made me a tougher but less judgy parent, if that makes sense.

Dh and I were both hideous teens, our DD's are the polar opposites of us, I think because my dm has regaled them with all the stories and " who wants to be like their mother?"

I work with errant teens. All of them have really sad stories. Some of those wouldn't be obvious to outsiders, nice home, educated parents etc, some are very obvious, some are completely unavoidable but there is always a reason when children go badly wrong (not talking about a bit of boundary pushing).

The hardest part for parents is it's really difficult to break the cycle, almost all of us parent in exactly the same way our own parents did. Many of the parents I see believe they did nothing to harm their child because what theyve done is so normal to them

That's interesting emphasise - I'm so keen to be the polar opposite to my DD compared to how my mother was to me. Though DD is still too young for me to have but this into practice yet.

I think I did all those things to purposely rebel, my mum was strict but I just lied about where I was and who I was with.
I would hate for my daughter to be like me
But it got me thinking because my mum for pregnant from having an affair and I've done the same thing and she said "you don't want your kids to make the mistakes that you did" and now I just feel sad about it all

My parents always raised me to make the right choice and there were consequences for bad ones. I had boundaries but wasn't stifled. My parents had expectations but I rarely felt they weren't achievable.

It's only now I'm in my 30's I'm discovering things about my parents I never knew!

Even my mum an outstanding teacher with over 40 years experience only admitted yesterday she passed 5 O levels and not that well! As academic children she never told us that (none of us are geniuses but all capable of passing the gcse we did) / so we always worked hard to pass.
However she said it yesterday as my ds with Sen and SN isn't likely to get more than 5 (at a push!) and wanted him to see it isn't the be all or end all.

So I think you raise children to be good people but can empathise with them and if needed mention your past to support them through difficult times.

As someone else said it's more likely they will do those things if they have the opportunity.
It was only when mine reached teens that I realised how little "parenting" my parents did. They didn't know where I was or what I was doing they were too wrapped up in their own lives.
In contrast we live in a tiny village and if DC w went anywhere they were dropped off and picked up by me.

I'm confident dd won't be at all like me because I've parented in a very different way to my parents and she has an emotional intelligence and resilience I was entirely lacking as a result of what my parents did to me. She'll have issues I'm sure and possibly challenging ones but I'm satisfied I'm doing what I can to help her navigate troubled waters.

My teenage dd was way worse than me!